


Chapter 1: I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then

by Firebog



Series: The Only Thing We Have Left [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Accidental overdose, Alternate Universe - Croatoan/Endverse, Anal Sex, Canon-Typical Violence, Excessive Alcohol Consumption, Explicit Sexual Content, I can't think of anymore terrible things to tag but I'm sure I'll yell them out later, Non-Canonical Violence, Oral Sex, Rough Sex, Seemingly random bouts of violence but trust me they are a part of a larger story, Sexual Content, There's not as much sex in this as the tags imply, Wall Sex, a couple of really bad jokes about dicks, angry dysfunctional sex, but the apocalypse will do that to a person, coping with emotions Winchester style, dysfunctional relationships galore, dysfunctional sex, general abuse of prescription drugs, occasionally smut, these are not happy well adjusted people, turn back now if you don't like angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-04
Updated: 2014-08-22
Packaged: 2018-01-21 20:41:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 69
Words: 64,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1563353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Firebog/pseuds/Firebog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Welcome to Cas's emotional rollercoaster. Now with smut.</p><p>A series of memories/events from 2010 to 2014 that generally highlight the miscommunication you get between a hunter that verbally denies all existence of feelings and thinks everything is his fault and an angel that goes mortal and never quite gets that when you're human no one tells you what to do next.</p><p>Where is the smut you ask?<br/>Chapter 15: 2 000 words of sex, some biology, and a surprise.<br/>Chapter 25: 3 500 words of some rather angry sex<br/>Chapter 36: 2 300 words of sex and terrible jokes<br/>Chapter 47: 2 000 words of sex and a couple of song references</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. No dose recommendations for ex-angels

**Author's Note:**

> This fic and the other fics in this series run in tandem with the series [But Instead, We Become This.](http://archiveofourown.org/series/97775) This series isn't in order of how they happened, they're in the order that Cas thinks of them/remembers them/denies all existence of them. If you would like to read them in order there is (will be) a list in the appendix. Yes there is (will be) an appendix. However until the appendix is posted this series will be rather hard to read as a coherent story. If you'd like to read them disjointed and in seemingly random order without reading the other fic, you're welcome to it.
> 
> Beyond explaining how Cas came to be what he is, this series also looks at why Dean did the things he did in a slightly more honest way. Cas's opinion of Dean throughout the series "But Instead, We Become This." is wildly biased because he never learned the motivations behind half of what Dean did. By the time Cas shows up in 2005!Dean's motel room in he's of the opinion that 2014!Dean is a raging asshole who's obsessed with finding the Colt and nothing else but as you'll notice that isn't exactly true.
> 
> The title is from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It doesn't take a genius to know mistakes can happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Bacchus manoeuvre: it saves lives.
> 
> ***Warning for accidental overdose***
> 
> This Chapter is related to [ No one of consequence](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3316136)

"Jesus christ." Dean has just walked in the door of Cas's cabin. He stares at Cas. Cas has managed to crawl half onto his bed before...Dean goes over, he's terrified by what he's going to find. Cas looks pale. Cas looks so pale he might be blue. Cas looks really fucking bad. _This isn't happening._ Dean thinks, _Croats are going to get us in the end not..._ He reaches out one trembling hand to Cas's neck to feel for a pulse.

Cas heaves his head towards the hand touching him, "Dean?"

"Thank fuck." Dean grabs him and turns him around so that Cas is leaning against the bed instead of half on it. "What did you take? How much? When?"

"Dean?" Cas asks again, he sluggishly tries to reach out and pull Dean closer.

"What'd you take Cas?" Dean asks again.

"Dean." Cas repeats satisfied.

Dean looks over to the side table. There's an array of bottles. There's no way he'll know what Cas took unless Cas tells him. _Jesus fucking christ Cas!_ Dean thinks, _What did you do?_ He grabs Cas by the shoulders and gives him a quick shake. "What'd you take and when?"

"Dean." Cas laughs a little this time.

Dean looks around in a near panic. He can face croats any day but he can't face this. He does the only thing he can do at this very second. He grabs the trash bin and wedges it between Cas's legs. He pushes Cas forward to lean over it, head in the bin. He crouches down next to Cas, "Don't bite my fingers off."

Dean shoves his fingers down Cas's throat hoping he still has a gag reflex. Cas heaves the contents of his stomach into the trash bin. Dean can hear the splash of bile and the muted patter of half digested pills. _It couldn't have been too long_. Dean thinks, _Oh fucking hell, shit, fuck, christ! Don't let it have been too long!_ He does it a second time to be sure. Nothing really comes up. He eases Cas back so that he won't fall face first into the trash bin. Dean glances into the bin as he does so. His face goes cold. _That is a fuck of a lot of pills._

Dean glances up at the door. There's always a ton of people coming and going from Cas's place. _Why isn't anyone coming in!?_ Dean screams in his head, _Why didn't anyone find him earlier!? Fuck!_ Dean debates on whether he should wait for someone to come or if he can chance running to the HQ. He had picked up some activated charcoal a while ago, once Cas started taking all the pills- just as insurance. There's no dose recommendations for ex-angels. Cas always has to guess. It doesn't take a genius to know mistakes can happen.

There's no guarantee anyone will come in soon and after a few minutes of shouting it turns out there's no one around the cabin either. He isn't surprised, it's fucking cold out. He decides to take a chance. He runs to the HQ. He rips out the loose floorboard he hides important things under. He grabs the bottle and races back. He meets no one on the snowy path.

He crashes into the cabin and goes straight to Cas. Cas is very still. He checks for a pulse again, whole hand on his neck, but Dean can't feel Cas's heartbeat over his own heart's pounding.

Cas rolls his head a little trying to rub his face against Dean's hand. "Dean?"

"Yeah, Cas. I'm right here." Dean says, relief flooding through him. He reads the label on the bottle. That relief he felt is gone. _One gram per kilogram body weight.... You have got to be fucking kidding! Grams!? Kilograms!?_ Dean's head feels like it's going to explode, _How did I pick up the only bottle in the whole fucking state that only gives dosage in fucking grams to kilograms!?_

Dean reads over the rest of the label. The rest he can do. He looks around for a glass of liquid. The first two cups he picks up and smells are full of liquor. Eventually he comes across one that doesn't smell funny. He holds the glass up to the light of the window. It doesn't look like there's been anything crushed up into it. He takes a sip. It tastes like water. That's good enough for him.

He pours in... _a_ _bunch_ of the powdered activated charcoal and mixes it with a pen. He hopes it's enough. He isn't sure if it's possible to overdose on activated charcoal so he's worried about putting in more. He heads back over to Cas. He grabs Cas's head and holds it still, "Cas? You still with me?'

"Dean."

"Yeah. That's me. Drink this for me." Dean pushes the glass against Cas's lips. _Just drink this._ Dean thinks, _Everything will be okay if you just drink it._

Cas pulls away at the first sip.

"Cas. You gotta drink this." Dean says pushing it at Cas's mouth again. _Please! I can't-_

"Stay." Cas says with the same conviction he's been saying Dean's name.

"Only if you drink this. Can you do that for me?" Dean says. He brings the glass back up to Cas's lips.

"Always." Cas says. His hands drift up towards the glass, instead they cling feebly to Dean's arm.

Dean gets him to drink the whole glass then picks him up and lays him down on his bed. He rolls him over and pulls one of his knees up to keep him from rolling onto his back. He lifts his head up and puts Cas's hand underneath it. Cas is mumbling something to him. He leans in closer to hear.

"Stay. Just stay. Dean. Please. I won't say it. Just stay." Cas is saying over and over in various combinations but it always has the same intent behind the words. Stay. Don't go. Stay.

"Yeah. I'm here. Don't worry. I'm staying." Dean says and for a moment none of it happened. None of the bullshit Dean's been putting them through the last few months has happened. For a moment he's just sitting quietly running his hand through Cas's hair because Cas slept in again and Dean likes to watch him sleep– it's only fair considering how often Cas watched him sleep. _I didn't think I'd be the one to give you the pills._ Dean thinks while stroking Cas's hair, _I wish I could have figured out a better way to keep you from dying....at least we got each other for a little while._

Dean goes out once to get more firewood to keep the woodstove going. Cas looks too pale to be allowed to get cold so he'll keep the woodstove burning hot. He wakes Cas up a few hours after to get him to drink more of the activated charcoal. Cas is groggy and doesn't really understand what's going on but he doesn't look as blue. Cas drinks without complaint but only if Dean promises to stay. It breaks Dean's fucking heart to lie to him.

\---

It's early morning. Dean has his eyes closed but he isn't asleep. He's listening to Cas breathe. He hears Cas start to move around. He opens his eyes to see Cas sitting up in bed looking haggard and confused. "Hey Cas."

Cas feels like some one beat him raw and maybe stabbed him in the head a few times considering how hard its throbbing and having Dean here makes it that much **worse**. He glances over at him but says nothing. _What is **he** doing here? Does he think he can just come in here whenever he wants?_ Cas thinks, his internal voice is scathing, _I already feel like shit. Why does he keep coming back? Why doe he keep doing this to me?_

"You were ODing." Dean explains. He's knows that face, it's Cas's trademarked confusion. Dean points over to the bottle on the nightstand, "Don't know what you took but I got some of that in you and made sure you weren't going to choke on your own puke."

Cas picks up the bottle. He looks it over. Activated charcoal. He knows their medical supplies well. They don't have this on hand. They probably should but they don't. Dean must have– "Where'd you get this?"

_That's what you're worried about?_ Dean thinks angry now, _I tell you that you almost OD'd and **that's** what you ask? _ Dean shrugs, "Just had it lying around."

"You just had it lying around?" Cas sets the bottle down. He can feel a cold anger in the pit of his stomach. _You don't just have things like this lying around. You have things like this because you expect to use them._ Cas thinks and in this brief moment he thinks over his life these past few months too. He doesn't like what he remembers, _You watched me do all that and you didn't once try to stop me?_

"Yeah." Dean says.

Cas glares at him. _You **thought** this would happen to me eventually and you never tried to stop me? You watched me do this!?_ Cas would like to scream at him but the cold anger he feels is keeping him quiet, _You care so little for me that you wouldn't even call me out on my bullshit? You're supposed to be the **one** person that doesn't take my crap!_ Cas is still glaring, he can't look away from him.

"Figured it might be handy to have." Dean says not knowing why Cas is suddenly giving him the I will smite you look. _Did you do it on purpose? Are you pissed that I didn't let you die?_ Dean wonders, guilt washes over him, _Is that why no one came in the whole night? You sent them away?_

"You figured it might be handy." Cas repeats flatly. _Right, because you don't care unless I'm about to die. Is that it? It is, isn't?_

"Yeah." Dean says. He watches Cas's face harden and doesn't know why. That one word and Cas is closed off and cold and angry.

"Get out."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a friend who had a less life threatening freak out about the metric thing, evidently it's often printed as mg to lbs or ml to lbs while mg to kg is printed in brackets beside. But that was awhile ago so maybe it's changed since then. I just felt like slipping in the metric references. Also, I really can't see Dean giving a shit about learning to convert things to and from metric measurements so I kind of doubt that would be knowledge he's acquired over the years. 
> 
> Know you imperial/metric conversions!  
> 2.2 lbs to a kilogram (more or less)  
> 1 ounce to 28 grams (more or less)
> 
> A few hours later [It comes to a head](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1563353/chapters/3332021) happens.


	2. The angel's dirty trench coat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He looks over the charred remains of the suit then tosses it back on the fire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This Chapter is related to [ No one of consequence](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3316136)

Dean finds Cas's clothes in the burn pile two days later when he's cleaning out cabins. He wasn't looking for them. He had just assumed that Cas had- disintegrated them or something, whatever it is angels do when they destroy something. Which is why he's already set the pile on fire when he sees them.

He snatches the clothing out. The suit's ruined but he's managed to save the trench coat and tie. He looks over the charred remains of the suit then tosses it back on the fire. He stuffs the tie in the pocket of the trench coat, folds the coat up, and heads back to his cabin. He'll hold onto them for now. _You don't think you want this anymore_ , Dean thinks, _But one day you will. We'll get the world back on track eventually. We'll beat the apocalypse. And then we'll be real boys again_.

Dean is putting the trench coat into the bottom drawer of his dresser when Cas walks in. It's still a bit of a shock to see Cas walking around in jeans and a t-shirt. The walking is a bit shocking too. Cas walks a lot now. Dean isn't sure if it has something to do with being newly mortal or if he's just discovered he likes walking. Dean quickly slams the drawer shut.

Dean takes a few steps away, putting himself between the dresser and Cas, "Hey Cas, what's up?"

Castiel watches Dean's odd behaviour but refrains from mentioning it. _I want to know 'what's up' with us._ Castiel thinks, _What is this between us?_ Castiel tilts his head a little, "Bobby says you're fired from burning duty."

"Huh?" Dean says.

"You left the fire unattended." Castiel explains.

"Shit." Dean says, he kicks at the floor. He turns a little to see if he closed the drawer all the way; it is. "Something caught fire?"

"No. But Bobby says it could have." Castiel says still watching Dean. Dean's eyes are darting towards the bottom drawer of his dresser Castiel notes. "Though I would have been aware if something had."

Dean scoffs, "Yeah, and as if you wouldn't have put it out."

"I told him that." Castiel agrees.

Dean scratches at the back of his neck. He doesn't really want to start getting into arguments with Bobby just now. _Pretty sure he knows something is up with me and Cas._ Dean thinks, _Don't need him anymore pissed at me than he already will be._ He nods towards the door, "Come on lets set the old dude straight. Angels trump fire."

"As long as it's not holy fire." Castiel amends. He leaves with Dean dismissing thoughts about the drawer. He'll ask Dean later.


	3. When things go wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas thinks about grabbing the nearest solid object and throwing it at Dean's head but he doesn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You are not imagining things I renamed the chapter: The title is from Foghat's It hurts me too. 
> 
> ****Warning for some mentions of past suicide attempts.****
> 
> This Chapter is related to [ No one of consequence](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3316136)

Dean walks in early in the morning, his face covered in sweat and blood. It's goddamned hot out and he's sick of it. _What the hell happened to the freakishly cold weather?_ Dean wonders as he drops his guns down on the table, _I could really go for an early fall_. He grabs a rag from their laundry pile and wipes his face off. He looks at the bloody smear on cloth. It hadn't even been croats to come at them last night. Just honest to goodness fellow psychotic human survivors. _Guess they didn't hear the news that we're in charge now_. Dean laughs to himself, _Does that make it a presidential assassination attempt?_ He looks up and sees Cas fuming at him. _And I was having a pretty okay day there too_.

Cas can't take it anymore. Dean was supposed to be home last night at the latest. _And when you finally waltz in you come home covered in blood._ Cas would very much like to... _I don't know what I want to do but you can't keep scaring me like this._ He scowls at Dean and grabs the rag out of his hand and shakes it at him, "Are you _trying_ to kill yourself?"

 _I already know how that goes_. Dean doesn't say because than he'd have to explain to Cas how this really is all his fault, _But if I told him he'd stop worrying. He'd know that doesn't happen for at least another year_. Dean grabs the rag back and finishes wiping his face. He tosses it aside and looks back to Cas. Cas is _actually_ waiting for him to answer. "You know among _us humans_ that question is generally rhetorical."

Cas's fingernails dig into his palms as his hands clench into fists. _Why do you do that when you know I'm just scared?_ Cas wonders and it makes him angry and melancholy all at the same time, _I try so very hard to be human for you_. Cas unclenches his jaw before snapping back at him, "I'm well aware what it normally means among _you humans_ but with **_you_** I mean it. So answer the fucking question."

Dean studies his face for a moment but it turns into one of their long soulful stares. _I don't know why you're so angry about this today._ Dean thinks while trying to search out an answer in Cas's eyes _, Every day is like this when we go out. Hell, some days in camp are like this._ He glances away, "No."

"Well it looks like it to me." Cas spits the words out. They hurt more than he expected them to. _I can't always be there to stop you. What am I supposed to do when you finally manage it?_ Cas has run these thoughts over in his head so many times now they're indistinguishable splatter on the highway of his mind, _Why do you want to die alone so badly? Why won't you let me come with you? What else am I supposed to do? You have to tell me._

"What does it matter anyway?" Dean says before he can stop himself. _Fuck, don't talk like that. Cas is just starting to get better._ Dean berates himself but he doesn't stop, "You think this is going to end well?"

"No." Cas says. He's not delusional _. I've been living the same apocalypse as you have._ Cas thinks and he also thinks about grabbing the nearest solid object and throwing it at Dean's head but he doesn't, "I think we both know how this is all going to end."

"So why do you care _when_ it ends? Why does it fucking matter?" Dean says because he's apparently lost control of his big stupid mouth. _You're going to fuck him up worse than he already is! Shut up Dean! Shut the fuck up!_ Dean screams at himself. _Just shut the fuck up and don't tell him it happens in a year because it's not going to happen to him. Not this time._ But Dean's lost control of his mouth and he knows that the next words out of him are going to be exactly that. "It's only–"

"Because I love you, okay!? I _fucking_ **love** you!" Cas shouts at him. _There. I said it. How much more human can I be for you?_ Cas thinks with a mix of pride and fear. _I said it. You don't want me to say it but there it is. I don't know why you think it's different if I don't say it._ Cas can feel himself shaking a little. He's just broke the only rule they have. He looks away from Dean and in a quieter voice adds, "That's why it fucking matters to me."

"Cas..." Dean says. His face goes blank and he's sure he's gone pale but his heart is pounding and more than anything he'd like to say, _Oh fuck I **know**. Love you so much too. Always have. You're a stupid angelic bastard but you're **mine** and I **love** you so goddamned much is **hurts**._ But there's a reason why it hurts so much and that reason is a large brick building filled with gunfire and croats. He shakes his head and does something that hurts even more, "...I gotta go."

"Dean. Wait." Cas reaches out to grab his arm but Dean slides away before he can. Cas watches dumbstruck as Dean walks out the door and doesn't look back. _Oh God, what did I do?_


	4. What happened to me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas looks between them. Even to human eyes it has to be obvious this isn't the same man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This Chapter is related to [ No one of consequence](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3316136)

Younger Dean looks taken aback, "What _happened_ to you?"

Cas gives him the only answer he can, "Life."

"Life?" Younger Dean repeats staring at Cas.

Cas lets out a breathy laugh. He shakes his head smiling at the absurdity that are his brothers. He thought he had felt Zachariah briefly a couple of days ago. He goes over to his bed and sits down. He gives Younger Dean a wide toothy grin and pats the bed beside him.

Younger Dean edges in closer but sits on the bed as far from Cas as possible.

"So two thousand and nine." Cas says. He thinks about reaching out to run his hand through Younger Dean's hair, maybe brush the back of his hand along Younger Dean's face because this man sitting here is why it hurts to look at Dean. But if memory serves him correctly- and it always does- Younger Dean would probably jump out of his skin at just the _idea_ that Castiel Angel of the Lord might be trying to put the moves on him at this point. Cas taps his fingers on his leg. "I was kind of a tight ass then, aren't I?"

"...yeah." Younger Dean looks Cas over. "Yeah you look like you've mellowed out since."

The way Younger Dean is looking at him does something to Cas's chest. It feels like he's being crushed. Younger Dean looks... **sad**. _Don't pity me_. Cas thinks, _Pity yourself and what you'll become_. He stares at Younger Dean the way he used to stare at Dean, well he tries to. He can't see beyond the flesh and into the soul but he feels his head tilting off to the side while he tries to search for it anyway.

"Cas...can I ask you something?" Younger Dean looks like he more than anything would like to **_not_** ask Cas anything. At all. Ever.

"You just did." Cas laughs. He wishes he wasn't so fucking high at the moment. _If I had known you were coming I'd have–_ Cas cuts off his own thought, _Who am I kidding? I'd probably be drunk too if I had know you were coming. It hurts so fucking much to see you again_.

"What's wrong with him- me- us?" Younger Dean asks like it hurts. He looks anywhere but at Cas, "Why am I so- such...I dunno."

"Why are you such an asshole?" Cas offers. He laughs when Younger Dean nods in agreement. _Even Dean thinks Dean is an asshole_. Cas thinks, it makes him laugh aloud.

"Yeah, the dude is just....not **_me_** anymore." Younger Dean tries to explain.

"Oh, he's you alright." Cas says and he wonders if his voice sounds as bitter as he feels. "He might not pass the Voight-Kampff test but he's you."

A twitch of a smile threatens Younger Dean's uneasy look. He shrugs and lets the conversation fall.

"If you had more than a couple days here I **_might_** be able to explain it." Cas says and then realizes that it's not that he's too high for this, it that he's not high enough. _I liked you more then but I love you now._ Cas thinks, _And I think you liked me more then too but now...well asshole fits pretty well for what you are now_. He puts his hand into his pocket and takes out the first bottle his fingers touch.

Younger Dean reaches over and snatches the bottle out of Cas's hands. "What the hell Cas?"

Cas grins and takes out a different bottle.

Younger Dean grabs that too.

Cas puts his hands into his pockets again.

"Jesus christ. How many bottles do you have hidden in there?" Younger Dean eyes Cas's jeans.

Cas laughs, "Not enough."

Dean walks into the cabin. The already strained moment becomes neigh unbearable.

Cas takes the chance to pluck his bottles of pills from Younger Dean's hands while the Deans stare each other down. Cas looks between them. Even to human eyes it has to be obvious this isn't the same man. Younger Dean looks mildly revolted by Dean and Dean looks like he thinks Younger Dean is a security threat. Cas finds himself grinning at how ridiculous they look. They're like dogs sizing each other up. _Funny that Dean doesn't even trust himself._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place directly before [One Last Mission](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1545155)


	5. The Cold War

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I think that's the most I've heard you talk in one go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is related to [No one should know too much about their destiny.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3332249)

Dean turns the radio off. He doesn't need to hear about humans being shit to other humans when there are demons, infected people, and Lucifer on the loose. The newest thing all the radio stations are all going on about is a terrorist bombing in Detroit. There's rumours that it was a dirty bomb but the government types are denying it.

"That's all we need." Dean motions at the radio. "Whack jobs with nukes. Where the hell would someone even get one?"

"A great deal of radioactive weaponry went missing during the preceding decades after a rather long- for a human _-_ period of accumulation of weapons. I've never understood the intricacies of human political motivation but it appeared to be for deterrence." Castiel says and goes on to further explain. He stops when he turns to see a strange look on Dean's face. _I'm still terrible at this._ Castiel thinks, _He was just humouring me before_. He wraps up his thoughts, "Conceivably it would not take very many people to arrange such a thing."

"Dude, you don't get Batman but you just full out lectured me on the Cold War?" Dean says. He knows Cas has been around for awhile but some days it's more obvious than others. _The last couple of years must be a blink of the eye for him._ Dean muses over the strangeness that is his friend, _You'd think he'd get bored sitting in a car with me listening to music that's decades out of style._

"Sorry." Castiel says immediately.

"Nah, it's okay." Dean says. He gives Cas a friendly pat on the shoulder which turns into a friendly squeeze on the shoulder. He leaves his hand there. "I think that's the most I've heard you talk in one go."

"Oh." Castiel says. He glances at Dean's hand on his vessel's shoulder. His vessel's eyes play across Dean's arm, to his shoulder, up his neck, and finally to his face, "I didn't mean to go on in such length."

"It's cool man." Dean says letting his hand fall down Cas's arm. "It's better than what's on the radio."

Castiel relaxes under Dean's touch. He had thought he had upset Dean again by doing something thoroughly inhuman but if he's reading Dean's actions correctly Dean is not upset. Dean doesn't touch people like this when he's angry. Dean has let his hand fall to his vessel's leg. It's a warm and friendly weight against him. He doesn't want to anger Dean by lecturing him about a topic he doesn't care for but he wishes to continue speaking. He's just.... ** _lonely_**. It's lonely being the only angel left– well other than Lucifer who is presumably somewhere on the planet still but Castiel is not about to reach out to the Devil himself. "Would you like me to continue?"

"About the Cold War?" Dean asks laughing a little.

"Yes." Castiel says. Some of the ease he had felt from Dean's touch evaporates with Dean's laughter.

"No." Dean says quickly because he really doesn't want to hear about something else depressing. The world is depressing enough as it is.

Castiel's grace goes cold. He feels small and useless. _All because of one word._ Castiel thinks, _Not long ago nothing short of near death would make me feel this way. How far I have fallen_.

"How about Egypt?" Dean says noticing Cas deflate beside him. He gives Cas's leg a squeeze then he realizes he's left his hand on Cas's leg. He takes it away and returns it to the steering wheel, "You watch the pyramids go up?"

"No." Castiel says and notices Dean's shoulders slump. _Even Dean seems to feel that word strongly these days._ Castiel thinks, _How strange we are._ He searches for a reasonable alternative. "I did however watch Teotihuacan being built."

"Great." Dean says, he has no idea what Teo-whatever is. He reaches out again to give Cas another encouraging squeeze but instead his hand reaches out to Cas's arm and just stays there, "Tell me about it."


	6. A Perfect World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean isn't even sure where he's going. He's just driving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is related to [No one should know too much about their destiny.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3332249)

"Zep Two again?" Dean says laughing. He takes the tape from Cas and puts it in. Dean is surprised that Cas has stayed with him for the last week but he isn't complaining about having company. The roads are terrible. They've barely made any headway. Everyone is trying to get somewhere so no one is going anywhere. Dean isn't even sure where he's going. He's just driving.

"I like this one." Castiel says and it's true. In the past week he's listened to all of the tapes Dean keeps in the shoebox and this one is his favourite.

"Me too." Dean says turning the volume up. He taps along to the song as he manoeuvres through traffic. A half hour of boring slow driving goes by. As Moby Dick comes on over the stereo the road gods see fit to favour him, the traffic falls away and there's open road in front of him. Dean floors it.

For a short while Dean thinks of nothing. He lives in the moment enjoying his car, his music, and his friend's company. The drum solo comes on and it's like the beat of his heart. He glances over at Cas, who for once is clearly enjoying something human. A smile plays over his face. For a short while the world is perfect.


	7. We could dig our own graves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chuck has for some reason gotten it in his head that interrupting Dean while he beats the crap out of his car is a good idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is related to [No one should know too much about their destiny.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3332249)

Cas sits and watches from behind the screen of trees. Dean has been beating the impala with a shovel for the last ten minutes. _What do **you** have to be so upset about?_ Cas wonders, _You did this. This is what you wanted_. Cas rolls a bottle of vodka between his hands as he watches Dean thrash the car.

Cas tips the bottle of vodka up to his mouth. He nearly chokes on vodka and laughter when he sees what's about to happen. Chuck has for some reason gotten it in his head that interrupting Dean while he beats the crap out of his car is a good idea. He watches as Chuck creeps forward trying to get Dean's attention.

"What!?" Dean yells.

Cas can't hear what Chuck says but he can see Chuck trying to shrink into nothingness as Dean glares at him holding the shovel.

"Do I look like I'm fucking okay!?" Dean yells.

Now Cas _has_ to laugh at that. Chuck just asked him that question yesterday and he gave Chuck a very similar answer. Cas drains the bottle of vodka. He reaches down and picks up- Curaçao? Why not? He certainly can't think of any reasons why not. He unscrews the cap and takes a long slug of it.

"Well then maybe you should go talk to Cas!" Dean yells.

Cas looks up. He's obviously missed something. He watches Chuck jump when Dean turns around and goes back to beating the impala with the shovel. _You're going to wreck a perfectly good shovel._ Cas thinks, _We could use it to dig our own graves._


	8. It comes to a head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean can have his Neanderthal moment if he wants. Cas doesn't care anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is related to [No one should know too much about their destiny.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3332249)

Cas would have liked to sleep the headache off but instead he's laying awake in bed listening to– _What the ever loving fuck **is** that!?_ Cas thinks as he finally drags himself out of bed, _Whoever had the smart idea to start- whatever the fuck they're doing- is going to be fucking sorry in two minutes_. He rams his feet into his shoes and heads outside into the cold intent on showing some asshole what divine wrath means.

That asshole turns out to be Dean.

Dean takes another swing at the car with the pry bar and another and another and another. Snow bounces and jumps on the car with each hit. He stops. He brushes the snow away and surveys the damage. It's not enough. He's about to let loose another series of blows when he catches movement out of the corner of his eye. He turns and sees Cas looking like a mockery of what he once was. He's got the badass angel look in his eyes but he's still wearing the clothes he passed out in and his hair is all matted down on one side. _He should really have a jacket on. He's going to get sick one of these days_. Dean thinks despite how mad he is with Cas, _That's a joke. He already is sick and I did it to him. Fuck. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was only—_ Dean turns his back on him and starts wailing on the car again. He tries to focus on a brick building and the sound of gunfire, that's why he's doing this, putting them through so much pain. _It's not gonna happen that way. Not again._

"What the fuck is _wrong_ with you?" Cas says in his commanding angel voice that he reserves now for people doing dumb fucking things too early in the fucking morning.

That Cas would have the gall to ask him that makes Dean's shoulder pinch together in anger. He bites his lip trying to keep quiet. If he keeps quiet Cas will go away. He lifts the pry bar again but before he can swing it down it's snatched right out of his hands. He spins around, he can feel his face go red with anger. He puts his hand out, "Give it back."

"So you can go back to your I'm such a tough guy look at me brood display?" Cas snips. He jerks the pry bar away when Dean makes a grab for it. He glares at Dean, " _Some_ people are trying to sleep."

"It's the middle of the afternoon." Dean snaps. He won't make another grab for the pry bar unless he thinks he can get it. He won't play keep away with a drugged out Cas. "If you weren't such a fucking screw up you wouldn't be passed out all day."

Cas narrows his eyes at Dean. He turns on his heel and leaves with the pry bar. _If I'm a screw up it's entirely your fault._ Cas thinks, _Where do you think I learned it from?_

"Hey!" Dean shouts. He clenches his fists tight, "You don't get to just go! Not after last night! Get back here, Cas!"

Cas keeps walking, though he flinches when Dean mentions last night. He can only remember bits and pieces of it but he knows it was bad. He keeps walking because if he turns around now— well it just wouldn't be a good idea.

"I said get back here!" Dean yells and when it's clear that Cas isn't going to stop walking away Dean lets out an enraged guttural sound. He marches over to Cas and grabs a fist full of shirt and yanks back. It makes Cas trip backwards. Cas has lost enough of his angel strength that Dean can shove him around a bit now. Any other day and Dean wouldn't take advantage of that but– _You tried to kill yourself! You said we were in this together!_ Dean yells in prayer since he can't say it out loud, _You said always! How is it together or always if you fucking die without me!?_

Cas regains his footing and starts to leave again. Dean yanks him backward again. Cas widens his stance and plants his feet to stop from falling into the snow. He keeps his back to Dean. He can't look at Dean right now. He's just— so very angry with him right now.

"Did you think you'd just give it up finally? Oh, I'll just take some fucking mystery pills and then who cares?" Dean yells at Cas's back. Cas doesn't say anything but he sees Cas twitch and he knows he hit the nail on the head.

Cas breathes in sharply. _You think I did it on purpose_. Cas realizes, _You think I'd do that? Leave you here. Alone. After everything, you think I'd do that to you?_ His breath comes in shaky gasps. He has never been this angry with anyone before.

Dean grabs Cas's arm and pulls him around. He stabs a finger at Cas's face, "You don't get to just _leave me_ Cas. You don't—"

 _That is quite enough of that_. Cas thinks then backhands Dean hard.

Dean finds himself laying in the snow not really sure how he got there. A shadow falls over him. It's Cas.

"You do **_not_** get to tell me not to leave." Cas hisses. He drops the pry bar beside Dean in the snow. Dean can have his Neanderthal moment if he wants. Cas doesn't care anymore. He isn't going to get back to sleep after this, maybe he'll help Chuck with– Cas turns around to see they've drawn an audience. Half the camp is standing there. He doesn't care what they saw. He can't be bothered with group morale when the feeble remnants of his grace are burning with so much **_anger_**. He strides towards them and they part like the red sea. _Well I set out to show some asshole what divine wrath means_. Cas thinks coolly, _Guess the whole camp gets to see what that looks like_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter happens a couple hours after [No dose recommendations for ex-angels](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1563353/chapters/3315779).


	9. Zep Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone looks calm. Well as calm as they can be during an evacuation. He's really got to get off the highway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happens directly after [The Great Silence](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1563353/chapters/3370133)
> 
> This chapter is related to [No one should know too much about their destiny.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3332249)

Dean doesn't jump anymore when Cas just pops in unannounced. It's a good thing too since he's driving nearly bumper to bumper on the highway. Yet another city is being evacuated.

"I can't hear them anymore Dean." Castiel says from the passenger seat.

"Huh?" Dean looks around to see if any of the neighbouring vehicles noticed Cas just appearing. _That's all I need today._ Dean thinks, _A riot on the highway and demons behind us._ Everyone looks calm. Well as calm as they can be during an evacuation. He's really got to get off the highway.

"The other angels." Castiel explains.

Dean snaps his head around, "What? Are they...?"

"Gone." Castiel says simply.

"They're dead?" Dean asks not knowing if he wants to hear the answer. _They're dicks and they screwed us all over,_ Dean thinks, _But if Lucifer killed them all we haven't got a chance._

Castiel stares out at the cars in front of them. "No. They left. I don't know where they went. I've looked but they're just..."

"Gone." Dean finishes. Dean knows what that feels like.

"Yes." Castiel says.

"Looks like we both got ditched by our brothers." Dean picks a point ahead of him and stares hard. _Sam I hope you know what you're doing out there on your own._ Dean thinks, _This has been one hell of a week._ He takes another worried glance at Cas. He knows he's been running on empty for awhile now but it worries him that Cas is starting to get the same look. He points down to the shoebox on the floor. "Grab one of those would ya?"

Castiel looks down at the floor. He knows what Dean is referring to. He's seen Dean do this many times. He spies the shoebox on the floor, picks it up, and places it in his vessel's lap. He picks a tape out at random and passes it to Dean.

Dean looks it over and smiles, "Zep two. Good choice."


	10. A Place to Call Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby: secret lair consultant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is related to [No one should know too much about their destiny.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3332249)

Zep Two is playing again- the Lemon Song of all things- when Dean drives up the long driveway to Camp Chitaqua. It's lonely and desolate looking. No one's been here for awhile it looks like. Dean parks the car in the middle of the grounds. There's no one around to tell him not to.

Castiel scans the area, as far as he can tell they are alone here, "As I said previously, this place is empty." 

"Weird." Dean comments, a place like this should be full of people- or monsters. _Bobby picks his secret lairs good._ Dean thinks, _He should have been Batman's Batcave consultant._ He gets out of the car, trusting Cas's declaration of emptiness, and starts checking the place out. 

There's at least three separate wells and they all work. The camp has those over built concrete outhouses that parks like to call vaulted toilets– whatever that means. There are a bunch of little one and two room cabins and a couple of long ward style cabins. There's a mess hall and utility shed. They're going to have to get a couple of generators or solar panels or something for the mess hall at the very least but over all the place looks decent. It just needs a few perimeter fences. Dean has to admit that the camp isn't half bad. He heads back to the car. Cas is waiting for him there.

"Is it satisfactory?" Castiel asks, he hopes it is. He knows that it was Bobby that suggested they come to this place but it was his earlier description of the location that caused Dean to make this journey. It's an irrational reason to hope for something but Castiel hopes that this place meets Dean's standards. 

"Yeah. Think it's time to phone Bobby with the report." Dean says. He starts to open the door of the impala but there's the whooshing sound of wings in action. Cas disappears and reappears so fast Dean almost misses it. Except now the radio's back on and Cas is holding out Dean's phone. He takes it, "Thanks Cas."

"You're welcome Dean." Castiel says. He watches intently as Dean dials the number then leans against the car waiting for Bobby to pick up. Castiel steps over and turns his back to the car. He leans back as well. 

"Hi Bobby." Dean says. He shifts the phone to his other hand and spreads his feet a little to better lean back against the impala. It sets him too low down so he shifts his weight to one leg and stands up a bit straighter. It just so happens to make him lean to the side a bit, "Made it to Camp Chitaqua. Yeah looks good."

The warmth of Dean's body radiates off him, Castiel is close enough to feel it. Slowly that warmth comes closer to his side as Dean moves, trying to find a comfortable way to lean against the car. Dean's free hand falls to his side. Dean's fingers brush Castiel's for a brief second and then quickly pull away. Dean shifts on his feet again and suddenly Castiel feels the weight of Dean leaning against him instead of the car. Clearly this makes the most sense, the car is not a comfortable thing to lean on after all. 

Zep two plays on in the background.


	11. I couldn't make (him) stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He didn't think Dean would really do it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Foghat - [I couldn't make her stay](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5veFYJwsFU)
> 
> This chapter is related to [Dr. Weir would make a good demon](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3370013)

Cas watches as Dean turns and goes. This isn't how it's supposed to happen. Dean was supposed to cool off and then come back and they'd talk and everything would be fine. Instead Dean came back and they talked but...this isn't the way it's supposed to go. _I didn't think you'd really do it. I tell you **that** \- I say it and by lunch time..._ Cas's thoughts slow to a halt. He sits quietly on their bed and contemplates what it all means. He sits there for what a human may perceive to be a very long time.

An hour later he stands. He's come to a rather miserable conclusion, _I don't have anything left._

He looks down to the bottle in his hand. He wonders if it would kill him if he took them all but it's just a stray thought. He doesn't mean it. He reads the label. The bottle says to take one. He takes three. He can feel his chest caving in, hell the whole cabin might as well be crumbling down around him. He wishes Dean were here to stop it. He can face down anything with Dean. If Dean were- he laughs, tears in his eyes. "Maybe I _am_ to clingy for this shit to work."

He forces down the sadness that threatens to eat him alive. He stands in the middle of— _Well I guess it's just **my** cabin now_. Cas thinks. He glances at the clock. He's been standing there for half an hour. It's all very angelic, this losing track of time, but he isn't recoiling from this very human hurt into his angelic nature. No he's just standing in the middle of their– **_his_** cabin looking like a sad fuck.

The pills aren't working. Well he thinks they aren't working. He doesn't know what they're supposed to do. He takes another one. He isn't sure if it's not enough or too much. It's hard to guess dosages for a mortal angel. He stands there and loses another half hour before he heads over to the storage hall to help Chuck.

Chuck glances up from his clipboard then looks back down when he's sees that it's Cas darkening his doorway. His head snaps up when his brain has processed just what he saw. "Whoa, Cas....you okay?"

"I'm fine." Cas says staring at the rows of shelves.

"You and Dean fighting again?" Chuck asks cautiously. Everyone at the camp knows you don't talk about Dean and Cas Fight Club.

"No." Cas says coldly. _We're really not._ Cas thinks as he runs his eyes down the list on his clipboard, _We're not fighting because there are no more fights to have._

"Alright...you sure you're okay?" Chuck asks because despite the rules he's never seen Cas look like this before and he's worried. "I mean...you really don't look good."

"I'm fine!" Cas snaps. He grabs one of the inventory clipboards and starts looking for the correct row of shelves.

"Sorry." Chuck mutters. He hunches his shoulders and tries to concentrate on work.

Time passes. Cas isn't sure how much time has passed. He asks Chuck what time it is and thinks it over. The pills aren't working. Dean said they were for depression and if ever he was feeling depressed it's now. He thinks it over. He takes two more pills.

"What're you taking?" Chuck asks coming up beside him.

Cas shoves the bottle into his pocket. "Don't worry about it."

Chuck watches Cas closely. Cas looks worse than when he came in. Chuck opens his mouth expecting to get his head bitten off but he has to ask again, "You sure you're okay?"

"Do I _look_ okay Chuck?" Cas asks. He doesn't feel okay and he's pretty sure that he's going to fall apart any second now, especially if Chuck keeps pestering him. _When humans talk about falling to pieces they really mean it_. Cas thinks, _Why does everything human hurt so much?_

Chuck stares for a moment, because no, Cas looks anything but okay. He goes back to inventory. Chuck's not suicidal.

Inventory with Chuck takes the rest of the day. Cas is dusty, hungry, and exhausted– and he _still_ feels like shit. He reads the label of the bottle over. There's nothing saying how long it should take for the effects to kick in. _What if they don't work?_ Cas thinks in fear _, What if human medication for things like this don't work on me and I'm going to feel like this for the rest of my short sad life?_

He goes back to their— **_his_** cabin. Barely anything is different. Dean's weapons are gone. He supposes if he went to the dresser Dean's clothes will be gone. That's really all Dean has. Clothes and weapons. Everything else is kept in common with the camp. He lays down. The bed smells like Dean. He tears the sheets off and lays on the mattress. He tries to sleep. He can't. He lays there and stares at the wood grain on his ceiling, _I don't have anything left._


	12. The Great Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not entirely true. There is one thing he has left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is related to [Dr. Weir would make a good demon](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3370013)

Castiel is looking for Pestilence when it happens. The world goes quiet. It's the kind of quiet that strikes one down. Castiel staggers when it hits him. He had no forewarning. There was no talk to be overheard. His brothers were arguing, yelling orders, giving reports, and then it was _quiet_.

A thorough search through all planes of existence takes a week and a half. They're gone. All of his brothers. Every one of them. Gone.

They left and they didn't tell him where they were going. They didn't even hint at it. They're gone. They're gone and he's all alone. The silence claws at his grace.

 _What do I do? They're **gone**. What do I do?_ Castiel strives to find an answer to this question but can think of none, _I'm all that's left._

Castiel has never felt alone this way before. He's alone in a way he never thought possible. He may not have been on good terms with his brothers lately but they were always _there_. Always chattering away in the background. He finds a quiet place to sit and contemplate what it means to be left behind by his brothers. He sits there for what a human may perceive to be a very long time.

Days later he stands. He's come to a rather miserable conclusion, _I don't have anything left._

It's not entirely true. There is _one_ thing he has left.

 _What if he tells me to leave?_ Castiel fears, _Where will I go then?_

He flies away to the only thing he has left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This occurs shortly before [Zep two](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1563353/chapters/3332147)


	13. Seatbelt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas didn't want to make choices anymore. He didn't want free will. He didn't want to be almost human. Not if it hurt this much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Warning for sad dysfunctional aborted smut of a dubious nature***
> 
> This chapter is related to [Trapped in a car with a drunk](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3393017)

"Jesus christ! Put your seat belt on at least!" Dean yells as he puts his arms out to brace himself against the dashboard as Cas drives his foot down on the brakes and slams the car into reverse. He regrets this whole thing _. I should never have let him learn to drive in the first place._ Dean thinks as Cas takes a rather sharp corner going far too fast, _He's going to flip the car._

"Make me." Cas retorts not really paying all that much attention to Dean. Dean has been arguing with him about driving since he started to teach himself and Dean's favourite thing to argue about is wearing a seat belt but Cas doesn't care about seatbelts right now. He gets the car turned around and shifts into drive. He makes for the highway. Dean moves like he's going to take Cas up on the make me challenge so Cas slams on the brakes again sending Dean forward sharply.

"Fuck! If you hurt my baby! I'll..." Dean yells clutching at his chest. The seatbelt had locked when he was flung forward and now he is uncomfortably strapped to the seat. He wants to undo the seatbelt, let it back up to unlock it, and then get it back on but he doesn't think he can do it fast enough. He'd rather be pinned to the seat than a smear on the road when Cas inevitably flips them.

"You'll what?" Cas snaps. _He's more concerned about his precious baby than he is about me._ Cas thinks, he's been stewing over that for a few days now as the hole in his chest grows wider, it's better to think about that than why he's feeling this way, _How can they all be gone? How could I make that choice and— **You** weren't even there for me. You promised! In this together!_ He swerves the car just to unsettle Dean that much more, "Come on, you'll what? _Say it, Dean. **Tell me**_ **.** What could you possibly do that's worse than what's already happened?"

"You're going to fucking roll us!" Dean shouts. He'd like more than anything to take a swing at Cas right now but Cas is doing ninety miles an hour down the empty highway and it's only clear for a few more miles, soon they're going to hit the stretches of road they haven't cleared. Cas speeds up. _Holy fucking christ Cas, I know you're hurting but don't take us out with them_ , Dean prays and as the car lurches forward with another burst of speed, Dean wishes that Cas could still hear prayers, _Jesus fucking christ, you're going to get us killed._

"You have no faith Dean Winchester." Cas chastises in his old Angel of the Lord voice. He rarely says things with such conviction anymore. _How am I supposed to live with this? Why weren't you there to tell me what to do? Why didn't you stay?_ Cas thinks as he speeds up, _What will it take to make you stay? Tell me Dean, I need to know. You have to tell me what to do with this- this **feeling**._ He presses down on the gas pedal again, it's almost to the floor. The car is shaking now.

Dean glances ahead, the maze of stranded cars is fast approaching. Cas isn't slowing down. Cas isn't **going** to slow down. _Sweet Mary mother of Jesus, he's not going to stop._ Dean realizes, anger and fear settle into his bones. _Dear fucking god, Cas what is wrong with you? How did you get like this? I wasn't gone **that** long._ Dean draws his gun. Shooting the driver at this speed will be just as fatal as hitting those cars down the road but at least Dean can control the gun. He points the gun at the man sitting beside him, whoever it is it's not Cas, "Take your foot off the gas and slow the fuck down."

Cas's eyes dart over to look at Dean. He sees the glint of Dean's gun. **_Finally_**. Cas thinks with relief as all the tension drains from his body, _Tell me what to do Dean. I need someone to tell me what to do. I don't want to make choices anymore. I don't want free will. I don't want to be almost human. Not if it hurts this much._ He lets his foot off the gas pedal and very slowly starts to brake.

It's not Cas who stops the car and calmly gets out, it's Castiel. It's Castiel that is confused and hurt and doesn't understand anything about these humans or why they're so fragile or why they keep _leaving_. It's Castiel that doesn't understand why he feels the way he does. He's seen death a thousand times over, more than any human could ever imagine. So why does it hurt this time? It's Castiel that doesn't understand what to do next. It's Castiel that stands there and just lets Dean punch him in the face. Castiel doesn't feel pain, so why does this hurt?

"You stupid son of a bitch!" Dean yells as he massages his hand. Cas may not be powered up anymore but it's still like hitting a rock when it comes down to blows. "What the hell were you thinking!?"

Castiel stares at him and tilts his head far to the side, confused as to why any of this matters still.

Something about the way Cas's head is cocked and the look in his eyes worries Dean. He hasn't seen this look in years. It's like when Cas first came down to Earth. "Just going to stand there and fucking stare?"

That's exactly what Castiel does.

"Answer me Cas!" Dean yells. Dean watches as Cas's express becomes even more closed off. Dean's heart starts to race in fear. _Oh fucking hell. Cas where are you going?_ Dean is panicking on the inside, _Oh fuck. What happened? You weren't this bad when I left_. Dean only knows of two ways to ground Cas in reality these days; fighting and fucking- and with Cas fucking is almost the same thing. He's already bruised his hand on the side of Cas's face. If he does anymore of that he's probably going to break something and since Cas can't heal those broken bones that leaves just the one option. He grabs Cas's arm and pulls. Cas doesn't budge. He yanks harder and this time Cas takes a few steps forward. By the time he's pushing Cas towards the impala Cas is starting to come back from wherever it was he went. He shoves Cas at the back door of the impala, "Get in."

 _Thank you, thank you thank you thank you._ Cas chants in his head, _Just tell me what to do. Don't ever take my bullshit. Don't ever leave me like the others. Not like the others._ Cas plants his feet. He wants this so very badly but it never goes anywhere if he just _lets_ Dean take control. Dean always wants it to be halfway to fighting. _A fight for free will, nobody controls your destiny._ So he shoots him a mocking look, "What? Did you finally think of what you'll do if I hurt your baby?"

Dean opens the backdoor of the impala and stabs his finger at it. " _Get in_."

Cas thinks it over for a second and decides he has a much better idea. He grabs Dean and pushes him in first. He slides in, pushing Dean over a bit, and closes the door. Dean doesn't waste any time, he shoves Cas with the intent of flattening him against the door of the impala. Cas goes with it. He needs this. He needs to know that someone else is just as angry and hurt and lost as he is and he needs that someone to tell him what to do. _Free will comes at terrible price._ Cas thinks as he shoves his hands under Dean's shirt, _How do humans live with it for their entire lives? How do they make choices not knowing if it's the right one?_

There's no gentle touches or playful discarding of clothes. There never is anymore– not since people started dying. Shirts are yanked over heads catching on ears, shoes are kicked off with no heed as to where they go, and jeans are pulled down unceremoniously. Dean's boxers join the assorted clothing that's being tossed aside. Cas's boxers are in his cabin where he left them.

Dean starts to drag Cas down under him but Cas lurches forward and shoves Dean across the backseat until he's sitting down on the other side. Cas straddles Dean's legs. He draws the seatbelt across Dean, with a soft click he has it in place. He gets a glare from Dean in response. He runs a finger down the strap cutting across Dean's chest then without warning grabs it and yanks it forward. It locks into place.

Dean is not impressed. He doesn't understand why Cas always wants it like this with him now. As far as he can tell Cas isn't like this with anyone else. _It's because it's my fault. Isn't it?_ Dean has wondered this more than once, _I dragged you down with me and you're too- whatever you are- to say it to my face...too polite._ He starts to undo the seatbelt but Cas grabs his hands and pins them down to the seat.

"No. Stay right there." Cas says sternly. _I need you to stay with me._ Cas pleads internally, he hopes Dean can see it in his eyes, _I need you. I **always** need you. Don't go away again. Don't leave me on my own to **decide**._

"If you crawl up into the drivers seat, so help me god Cas..." Dean threatens because he really isn't sure what that look in Cas's eyes means. It looks wild and desperate, like Cas might do anything in the next few seconds. It scares Dean. _How that hell do I make this better?_ Dean wants to ask, _I just want to help you and somehow I'm fucking that up too._

"Open ended threats aren't that useful in this day and age." Cas says, his voice low. He starts to grind his hips against Dean. "There's not much you humans will imagine that you're not already living through. How do you threaten someone when this is what our lives are?"

Dean starts to surge forward but comes up short, caught by the locked seatbelt. He falls back into the seat, Cas pushes him back further. The seatbelt tightens across his chest. Now he really can't move. He wants to grab Cas and ram his tongue into his mouth until he stops talking like that, _You humans_. Dean thinks, _That's never a good sign_. When Cas starts disassociating himself with humanity it usually leads to a quiet spell and then Cas disappearing to wherever the fuck it is he goes for a couple of days. Dean always worries that he won't come back. He starts fumbling with seatbelt again. If this is how Cas wants it fine. He's going to launch himself at Cas when he gets this damn seatbelt off and try to tear some answers out of him.

Cas snatches Dean's hands up and pins his wrists to the back of the seat. He hasn't stopped grinding against Dean. "I said no."

Dean flexes his hands and strains against Cas's grip as if it will do him any good, Cas is a freakin' angel after all. Cas is grinding into him furiously now. There's an angry desperation behind it that Dean doesn't understand. Something's happened while he was away but Cas isn't telling him. Cas's hands push his wrists back harder. Cas still forgets just how strong he is sometimes, failing grace or not. Dean sucks in a sharp breath as pain shoots through his arms, " _Cas_."

The pressure on Dean's wrists doesn't lessen. Cas grinds harder and starts trailing harsh biting kisses along Dean's neck and down his shoulder. Dean squirms in the seat trying to work his hands free. This would be great and all except Cas's fingers keep digging into his wrists, " ** _Cas_**."

Dean catches Cas's eye for a second. There's something there that looks all too human and it makes Dean shiver. Everyone likes to think that croats are wildly different from the rest of humanity. They're not. Dean knew it long before now but it's times like these that he's reminded. Humans aren't as domesticated as everyone would like to believe. Just scratch away the surface and a wild fucking animal comes out. Seeing that in Cas, seeing _that_ part of humanity in Cas, is startling. _What **happened**?_ Dean thinks through the pain, _What the fuck **happened** while I was gone?_ Cas clenches his fingers tighter around Dean's wrists. Dean's sure he can feel his bones starting to bend, " _Cas! **Stop!**_ "

Cas freezes. He's gotten caught up in all these physical sensations again, forgetting what he actually is. _Not human, not really an angel._ Cas thinks, _Not really anything anymore, just this horrible feeling and terrible decisions._ He pulls back and stares at Dean. He lets go of Dean's wrists and flies to the front seat. "I'm sorry."

Dean rubs the blood back into his hands. _Great, this is just great. I try to make you stay and I wuss out over a little pain and now you're going to fucking leave me again_. Dean thinks still rubbing at his hands, _What was all that talk last year about being in this together?_ He tries to will Cas to turn around and look at him but of course it doesn't work, "Cas, get back here."

"No." Cas says quietly. _I just wanted you to stay with me. Now look at what I've done._ Cas thinks, the hole in his chest starts widening, _I can't even heal you. I'm so fucking useless now. I can't heal you and I couldn't save them. I couldn't save **any** of them. And I won't be able to save **you**._

Dean leans forward as much as the seatbelt will let him. He reaches out to touch Cas's shoulder but Cas leans away. "Cas. Come on. It's fine- I'm fine."

"No Dean." Cas turns around quickly. He bends over the front seat and grabs his clothes off the floor in the back. He sits back down clutching his clothes in his hands. _I made another choice._ Cas thinks as he twists his hands into his jeans, _I made another choice and I hurt Dean._ He doesn't know how humans do this all the time, "None of this is fine."

It doesn't surprise Dean at all that Cas zaps away on angel airways. Dean throws his head back. It bounces off the top of the seat. He's seatbelted into the back seat of his car, naked, with a wicked hard on, and Cas just took off again probably to have a complete fucking melt down somewhere all alone. _And it's all my fault_. Dean thinks, _Whatever it is, it's my fault. It always is. I should have just said yes._ Dean lifts his head and knocks it against the seat again, "Fuck my fucking life."

Dean gets dressed and scouts out the neighbourhood they were supposed to be checking before he screwed things up with Cas. They're probably going to scavenge the area tomorrow, it looks safe enough.

When he gets back to camp Cas isn't there. No one's seen him. It doesn't really surprise Dean, considering how bad he screwed up that whole fiasco in the car. Cas will probably be gone for the rest of the week. So it's from the others that Dean finds out that Bethany died last week in a botched mission that Cas had planned while Dean was out running away from his feelings. Dean runs his hands through his hair. _Oh christ, I'm sorry Cas. I shouldn't have made you come with me today. Not after that._ Dean prays out of habit even though he knows Cas can't hear him anymore, _I didn't know. How could I know if you don't tell me these things?_ Dean slinks back to his cabin to drink on his own because once again it's his fault. He should have been here.


	14. Sometimes prayers are answered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why would Sam do that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is related to [Trapped in a car with a drunk](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3393017)

Dean wakes up alone and he's glad of it. He half remembers grabbing Cas and acting like an idiot. It's already embarrassing enough, it would have been unbearable if he woke up and Cas was still here. He rubs his face a few times. He sits up in the driver's seat and waits. Cas flies in a couple of minutes later. Cas sets a paper bag on the dashboard. It's probably a hamburger. Dean can smell the grease and meat.

"I went back and talked to the hunter you spoke to." Castiel says. He can understand now why Dean was in such a state of shock. It's shocking to him too. _Why would Sam do that?_ Castiel is still stuck on this thought, _Why would Sam **do** that?_ Castiel points to the paper bag he set on the dashboard. It is one of the few things he knows brings Dean comfort, "I brought food. In case you were hungry."

Dean snatches the paper bag off the dashboard as if he was waiting for permission to take it. There are two foil wrapped hamburgers inside and a paper cup full of fries. He takes out one of the burgers and passes it to Cas.

"I don't need to eat." Castiel says looking down at the hamburger. _Why would Sam do that?_

"Just take one. Okay?" Dean says, it's nearly a plea. _I'm not asking you to eat. I'm asking you to stay. I just need someone to stay with me for once_. Dean thinks and wonders if he's praying too, _I need you to sit there in that seat and I need it to be okay for a few minutes. **Please!** I don't want to be alone._

Castiel studies Dean's face. _Why would Sam do that?_ He knows human facial expressions well enough now- Dean's in particular- to know that Dean is not just asking him to eat with him but he doesn't know what the question really is. _Why would Sam do that?_ A single word blasts out from Dean in prayer, **_Please!_** Castiel carefully reaches over and takes the food Dean is offering. Their fingers touch for a second before Dean pulls away. Castiel unwraps the hamburger and begins eating. He's careful not to notice the tears running down Dean's face.

_Why would Sam do that?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is preceded by [ If I could come in](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1563353/chapters/3725942)


	15. The Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Plan has Parts A through C and Cas thinks they're all equally entertaining.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is about 2 000 words of smut.
> 
> This chapter is related to [Trapped in a car with a drunk](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3393017)

Without any kind of goddamned warning at all his bed sinks down and there's lips around his dick. Dean gives a strangled yelp because as nice as it is to have someone's mouth on your cock, it's also kind of nice to know _whose_. Dean flicks the covers back. He's not surprised by what he sees, Cas naked with his mouth wrapped around his cock. He can feel Cas smile around his hardening dick and he's got the I-might-eat-you-alive look and that just– fucking _does_ things to him.

Cas doesn't let Dean relax into it. He isn't here to blow him and take off. No. He has a Plan, Parts A through C. And he landed in Dean's bed well supplied for the Plan. He continues sucking while he tries to quietly open a bottle of lube, careful to keep it hidden from Dean's view. He debates on letting the lube warm up first but decides against it. _He'll make some very interesting noises._ Cas thinks smiling back up at Dean deviously.

That smile Cas is giving him at least warns Dean that Cas is up to no good– or a lot of good depending on how you look at it. Without warning him, _again_ , Cas sinks a finger into him. Just shoves the whole damn thing in. Dean's hips jolt up and if it's too much for Cas well that's his own damn fault. _He should have taken it slower, if he didn't want a half-hard cock rammed down his throat._ Dean thinks as he rocks his hips down onto that finger.

As predicted, Cas gets a myriad of shocked gasps and, his favourite noise, a squeak– which Dean denies he does but oh, he _does_ and it always just about undoes Cas every time. He works his finger in and out still sucking away at Dean's dick. When Dean groans he starts to add a second finger. That's all he needs to do really. Two fingers should be enough.

Dean decides this is a pretty fucking great way to start the morning and that he wouldn't object to Cas doing this every morning if he felt like it. Then just as he's settling back to enjoy an A+ blowjob Cas pulls his fingers out and startles him out of his pleasant morning a few seconds later by pressing something foreign against his hole.

Another little gasp flows from Dean when Cas starts pressing the-whole-fun-reason-why-he's-here-this-morning into Dean. _You make the best noises when you're surprised by something._ Cas thinks as he works it in. He looks up to watch Dean as he pushes it in all the way and adjusts it to exactly how he wants it.

Cas presses the... _something_ inside of him until all that's left of whatever it is, is what feels like a string with maybe a handle or something attached to it. _So...what? Anal beads or some shit like that?_ Dean wonders. He knows Cas has developed a few kinks since he first started having sex. Weird sex toys aren't really Dean's thing but– _Whatever, it's pressing into a nice spot and Cas seems into it._

Part A of the Plan accomplished, Cas gives Dean one last suck on the head of his cock before he grabs what he needs for Part C of the Plan, keeping it hidden in a closed fist. He crawls up Dean and straddles him. Dean's hands go to his sides and roam until one hand finds his dick and the other works it's way to his ass. Dean makes a surprised noise when his fingers run through lube. Cas has come prepared for Part B of the Plan.

Dean grins when his fingers hit an already well lubed hole. _Cas isn't fucking around today._ Dean thinks as he sinks two fingers in with ease and starts on a third, _Fuck that's hot._ It doesn't take long before he's guiding Cas down on his dick— and Cas fucking _sighs_ when he gets all the way down. _Fuck, that's even hotter_.

Cas falls into the easy rhythm they set, enjoying the stretch and slide of Dean's cock and the firm strokes of Dean's hand. Part B of the Plan is a rather enjoyable way to get to Part C of the Plan. Cas draws it out for as long as he can. _The longer it takes the better the next part will be._ Cas thinks as he rocks back into Dean's thrust. _What sort of noises will you make then?_

 _This is way better than an A + blowjob._ Dean thinks as he watches Cas throw his head back and moan. He starts pumping his hand faster around Cas's dick when it starts getting slick with pre-come. He adjusts his hips a little and lets out a moan of his own when the, whatever it was Cas shoved up his butt, hits _that_ spot. _Okay, maybe I'm into weird sex toys after all._ Dean thinks as he shifts again so that now every downward stroke of his hips presses it into- _Fuck, prostate gland sounds stupid even when I **think** it. Cas says it so much better. He says all that biology shit like a fucking high grade phone-sex worker_. That puts a thought in his head. "Cas. Say **it**."

Cas grins down at him. _Oh Dean, you have no idea what you just signed up for_. Cas thinks slyly as he leans in and in the lowest roughest voice he can manage whispers six words against Dean's ear, "Phenylethylamine, dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin, vasopressin."

 _That's it. That's fucking **it**._ Dean thinks in nigh incoherence as the words send shivers down his spine and hit him in all the right places, _So fucking it_. His hips thrash up wildly as Cas starts saying them again. He's fucking losing it. Whatever **_it_** is. It's so fucking _going_. Right the fuck _now_ , "Oh _fuck_."

"Phenylethyla **mine**." Cas growls against his ear.

"Oh, fuck yes, fucking love phenyl- phen- fuck, just say it." Dean has never been able to get a handle on these six fucking words and he doesn't plan on stopping to learn them right now. Not when he can feel that sweet pressure building and building. _So fucking close_.

"Dopa _mine_." Cas says as he bites at Dean's ear.

"Uh huh." Dean agrees because _Fucking christ, **dopamine**_. Dean doesn't think he's heard anything hotter in his life. _The way Cas says it would make little old ladies blush_.

"Norepin **eph** rine." Cas says as he drags his teeth along Dean's skin down to his neck.

Dean thrusts up faster. _Nope, **that** is the hottest fucking thing I've ever heard._ Dean thinks as he snakes one hand up into Cas's hair and grabs a hand full. "Keep fucking talking."

Cas smiles into Dean's neck. It's no secret that Dean is very, very close. He breathes out the next word, " _Seroton **in**_."

Dean grabs Cas's hips to shove him down harder because, **_In_** _, yeah, got to get more **in**. Right the fuck **now**._

"Oxy-" Cas gets cut off by a particularly enthusiastic jerk of Dean's hips. He moves his head to kiss him and says the next word against Dean's lips, "Oxytocin."

Dean can feel it. _Oh fuck. So fucking- fuck! Fuck—_

Cas sits back. He grins at the bewildered look on Dean's face. Dean's been letting loose a stream of incomprehensible swears interjected with the best fucking noises imaginable whether Dean knows it or not. Cas is still rocking his hips against Dean's but he's slowed the pace down a bit. It's time for Part C of the Plan. He brings his closed fist up in front of Dean's face and slowly opens it to show what he's been hiding from him all this time.

Dean looks down his nose at Cas's hand. He's not sure what the hell Cas is playing at. He's so fucking close and now Cas is...doing whatever the hell this is. Dean frowns when he sees that he's being presented with a small purple oval with two silver buttons on it. _What the fuck is_ — His mind dissolves into incoherency as Cas pushes one of the buttons.

"Vaso ** _press_** _in_." Cas adds for good measure.

And Dean fucking _loses_ **it**. His back arches off the bed and he figures he might as well go with it so he pushes himself up the rest of the way which makes Cas sink down further on him and wraps an arm around Cas which gets Cas all pressed in tight and Cas's cock is leaking against his stomach and Cas is saying those fucking magic words again and _oh shit hell fuck!_ There's a **_higher_** fucking setting on that fucking vibrator and _fuck! Fuck! FUCK!_

The noises Dean makes when he comes are the best fucking noises Cas has ever heard. Dean's desperate writhing and trill of swears and moans sends Cas over the edge. He grinds his dick against Dean's stomach as he comes and as lost as he is in his own orgasm he still takes a deep satisfaction out of the way Dean is still twitching and shaking, under and in and against him.

"Cas. Cas, turn it off. Oh fuck. I can't. _Cas_. Oh fuck, turn it off." Dean whimpers against his neck. It's just too much. He can't handle this. He can't come down from the sex high with that fucking _vibrator_ still _vibrating_ and— _It's too fucking **much**._

Cas turns the vibrator up to the highest setting just to see what Dean will do– Dean's hips buck up and he shakes and Cas amends that _these_ are the best fucking noises he's ever heard– before he turns it off. Dean's body relaxes against him.

Dean wraps both his arms around Cas and buries his head in Cas's neck, eyes closed, and just...just fucking _breathes_ for a solid two minutes. His insides feel like jelly and he isn't sure if it's because of the goddamned awesome orgasm or the fucking _vibrator_ Cas shoved up his ass and didn't fucking _tell_ him about. _Fuck_. He breathes in deeply and lets it out. His eyes snap open. He can feel Cas fiddling around with the remote control. He cringes. His body goes tense against Cas, preparing for the worst, "Don't you fucking dare."

Cas laughs but he drops the control to the bed. Dean relaxes against him again. "Enjoy yourself?"

"Fuck you." Dean murmurs affectionately against Cas's neck. He squeezes Cas tighter against his chest.

"You just did." Cas says because he can't resist saying it.

Dean groans softly at what Cas probably thinks is a great comeback– _Heh, **come**_ – before he falls backward onto the bed pulling Cas with him. He breathes deep. "Where the fuck did you even find that?"

"The last mission we went on." Cas says letting his legs spread further apart so he can rest his head against Dean's shoulder. _Best fucking noises ever._ He thinks as he lazily rubs a finger over Dean's nipple.

"You held us up looking for a vibrator?" Dean says as he grabs Cas's hand to stop him. That is way too much for him to handle at the moment.

Cas cranes his hand back to look up at Dean. He grins slyly at him, "Going to complain about it?"

"Nope."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phenylethylamine, dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin, vasopressin are all chemicals/hormones associated with sex and love. And as a sort of weird sceincey romantic part the word Dean gets off to, vasopressin, is sometimes called the monogamy hormone. Evidently it activates the same areas of your brain that cocaine activates to create an addiction. So when people say addicted to love now you can say, yes, that is true quite literally.


	16. Team Free Will

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I like it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is related to [Trapped in a car with a drunk](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3393017)

Dean tucks his phone into his jacket. "Bobby wants us to check out a place called Camp Chitaqua; see if we can use it to run things out of."

Castiel disappears without a word. A few moments later he reappears. "It appears to be intact, though worn down."

"Yeah?" Dean says. It doesn't faze him in the least anymore when Cas does stuff like this. It's just who and what Cas is. "Any demons? Infected people?"

"No. No people at all." Castiel says. It looked like a rather lonely place. He wonders why Bobby is interested in it. There must be numerous places across the country that would serve Bobby's needs better, "Do you want me to take you there?"

"Nah, we'll drive. Good job though." Dean says. He gives Cas a good-job slap on the back. He let's his hand slide down Cas's back before taking it away, "Sounds like as good a place as any to park my baby for awhile."

Castiel stands a little straighter when Dean slaps his back. He knows it's ridiculous to care that he has accomplished this small task for a human. He's an angel, even if he's Falling. _Dean is not just a human. Dean is the righteous man who will end the apocalypse_. Castiel scolds himself. _I should be willing to accomplish any task he sets. And he is my friend._

Dean gets in the car. Cas is already sitting quietly in the passenger seat. In that moment, his casual acceptance of Cas just zapping into the car, something about this whole situation strikes him as absurdly funny. He breaks out laughing. He thinks he might be going a little hysterical. From the look on Cas's face he might be. But it's all so.... ** _insane_**. The apocalypse? Angels? The Devil? He's so far down the rabbit hole he's stopped noticing how absolutely bat-shit crazy the world around him has become.

"Why are you laughing?" Castiel asks worried. He doesn't think he did anything to merit this but angel and human cultural differences are great. _Maybe I did something unknowingly once again._ Castiel thinks sadly, _I keep trying but failing_.

Dean lets out a few long breathes to try and calm down. When he's got himself under control again he explains, "I was just thinking. Here we are in an old impala driving around with nowhere to go and Bobby's back in South Dakota in a wheelchair and we're it. We're Team Free Will. And we're going to go check out a Christian summer camp in Illinois to see if we can make it our secret liar. And when I finally hunt Sam down and give him the beating of his life for not phoning back we'll haze him and he can be the junior member."

"Team Free Will?" Castiel says trying out the name.

"Yeah. Go team." Dean says still laughing quietly under his breath. He starts the car. _Sam, you are going to have one hell of a hazing to join the team._ Dean thinks, _I'm going to buy the stupidest hat I can find after and make you wear it for a month. Dean out._

"I like it." Castiel declares.

"Yeah. Now I just need to find one of those dumb singing trout hats or something." Dean says thinking out loud.

"What?" Castiel isn't sure how Dean's previous speech has anything to do with hats, singing, or trout.

Dean bursts out laughing again. He reaches over and messes up Cas's already messy hair. "Don't worry about it, it's for Sam. We're the cool members of the team."

"The cool members?" Castiel asks.

"Yeah. You and me." Dean says. He glances over at Cas, his hair is sticking nearly straight up. There's a hint of a smile on Cas's face but for the angel it might as well be a teeth showing grin. Cas is giving him a look and Dean doesn't know what it means but it makes him smile back before turning his eyes back to the road.


	17. Alcohol is an important social bonding mechanism

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's all kind of weird, but what the hell, they're weird anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is related to [Trapped in a car with a drunk](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3393017)

"Dean."

"Hey Cas." Dean says then takes a sip of beer. He grins when he sees Cas glance over to the open window of the impala. What is and What Should Never Be is playing. _On any one else that'd be a scowl._ Dean thinks but he knows Cas well enough to know what it is, _Don't smile too hard, you might break something_. Dean has no idea what it is about Led Zeppelin II that has attracted Cas to it but he's not complaining. _Now I can tell people Zep's endorsed by angels_. He chuckles to himself while he bends down and grabs the second beer at his feet. He holds it out to Cas. "So? What's the road like?"

"It would be best if we turn around here and go around the town." Castiel says. He takes the beer that Dean is offering to him. He's come to realize among hunters alcohol is an important social bonding mechanism. He takes a long sip. He's not worried about becoming inebriated, he would have to drink significantly more to overwhelm his grace.

"They're being evacuated?" Dean asks as he leans against the hood of the impala. He crosses his arms and looks back at the congested road. They had stopped in this empty lot outside of town because traffic looked worse further on.

Castiel moves around to the front of the car and leans against the hood beside Dean. He enjoys these moments of easy camaraderie with Dean. He takes another sip of beer to show his solidarity. He's never experienced moments of such simplicity among angels. With his brothers there was always a hierarchy everyone was well aware of, with Dean he can simply be. It's unusually liberating, "I don't believe so. It appears that a large quantity of people are immigrating to this town."

"So we're behind the herd again?" Dean says. They've had to work around towns like this a couple of times now when they fall behind the wave of refugees. He turns to look at Cas and realizes just how close Cas has sat to him. He's tried for the last two years to get Cas acquainted with the idea of personal space; at this point it's probably a lost cause. He shrugs to himself and looks back over to the road. _Might as well just get used to it_. Dean thinks as he watches the other cars crawl by, _I've got more important things to be doing than giving angels lessons on comfort zones_.

"Yes. It appears so." Castiel says as he eyes the hand that Dean's holding his beer in. There's a scrap of green cloth tied around it that was previously hidden by the sleeve of his jacket. He narrows his vessel's eyes at what looks like bloodstains on the green cloth, "What happened?"

Dean looks back to Cas confused for a moment before he realizes what Cas is looking at. He turns his hand a little- not enough to spill his beer of course- to show him, "Just caught myself on one of the knives in the stash. No big deal."

Castiel squints his vessel's eyes at the offending blood once more. He plucks Dean's beer out of his wounded hand and sets his beer and Dean's down on the ground– not on the impala as he has been told before. He seizes Dean's injured hand and unties the green cloth. He looks the wound over. It's not deep. He looks up at Dean, "I can heal this."

The intensity in the way Cas looks up at him startles Dean for a second so his words come out jumbled, "Heal? Ah, yeah. It's- I mean...thought you couldn't heal anymore?"

"Complicated injuries such as Bobby's no, but I can still heal most minor wounds." Castiel explains. He is still holding Dean's hand and wrist. "Would you like me to heal it?"

"Go for it dude." Dean says pushing his hand towards Cas despite the fact that Cas is kind of _holding_ it at the moment. _Dude doesn't get personal space at **all**_. Dean thinks and almost laughs, _Maybe I **should** make some time to explain it again. He's going to freak someone out one of these days_.

Castiel covers the wound with his vessel's hands and focuses his grace on the torn flesh. He can feel it knitting back together. A moment more and he releases Dean's hand. He reaches back down and gets their beers. He holds Dean's out to him.

Dean takes a second to curl and flex his hand to test it out. Cas's healing has left a scar this time. It's the first time he's ever had a scar after Cas healed him. He takes his beer back from Cas and doesn't say anything about the scar.

Castiel settles back against the impala content with the tasks he's accomplished today. In the last few days he's begun to feel less alone. The silence his brothers left behind isn't as all consuming as it once felt. The next song on the tape starts playing. _I like this one_. Castiel thinks as he takes another sip of beer, _It's...heartening_.

Thank You comes on inside the impala. Dean thinks about getting up to change the tape or fast forward through it because it's a little weird to listen to that song while sitting on the front of the car with an angel who doesn't get personal space and was just holding your hand while drinking beer. But he stays where he is. _Ah what the hell, we're a little weird anyway_. Dean thinks and shrugs, _'sides it's a good song_.


	18. It's better than the apocalypse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They frequently seem to forget that he has many years their senior. He's not a child. He's not a civilian. He's not even human. He can make decisions on his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is related to [You don't have co-workers](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3442277).

They're out of whiskey. They're out of beer. They're even out of that shit Cas likes to drink. They're out of anything alcoholic. Dean catches a whiff of something familiar, if not a little skunky. _Well it's better than nothing_. Dean thinks, _And definitely better than the shit that's going on outside of camp._ Dean isn't surprised by what he's smelling, most of the camp is self medicating some how.

Dean follows his nose to behind one of the cabins. He finds Bronson, Andrew, and Bethany huddled close together against the cold. It's been a long winter. It's the end of April and there's still snow on the ground. Bobby thinks it has something to do with all flights being grounded for the last eight months, something about the weather working itself out again. Dean doesn't care why as long as it warms up soon.

Andrew glances up when Dean comes around the corner. He offers the joint.

"Where'd you find this?" Dean takes it. He inhales and holds it. It burns. He hasn't done this in awhile but it's kind of like riding a bike. He passes the joint to Bethany.

"In that suburb we raided." Bronson says, shivering a little. Bronson is new, he came in a few months back with nothing, not even a coat.

"Huh." Dean says exhaling a little puff of smoke with it.

"It's not very good but beggars can't be choosers." Bethany comments.

They all turn to look as they hear feet crunching in the snow coming towards them.

"There you are." Castiel says coming around the corner spotting Dean. He sniffs the air and looks them over. They aren't smoking cigarettes. They can't be. According to James the camp collectively ran out two months ago. The whole camp has been a jittery mess of nicotine withdrawal ever since, "What're you smoking?"

"Want some?" Bethany offers.

Cas looks at Bethany. Dean has said multiple times now that having sex with someone does not mean you can trust them. _But we have to trust someone Dean._ Cas thinks, _We go out into the mayhem with these people. We have to trust them at some point._ He glances over at Dean and gets a cool dispassionate look from him. He looks back to Bethany, "What is it?"

"A joint. Pot." Bethany says in a singsong manner, "The marijuana."

Castiel glances again at Dean.

Dean says nothing. 

Cas takes the joint. "How do I do it?"

Andrew and Bethany explain the mechanics of it. Laughing a little, in a friendly manner, at yet another thing Cas doesn't know about. Dean shoots them a sharp look but no one notices.

Cas breathes in sharply. He can feel his body wanting to cough violently. He suppresses the urge. He lets the breath out. "Now what?"

"Now wait a bit, you'll probably need a few more hits before you feel it." Andrew says taking the joint from Cas.

Cas waits. They pass the joint around. Cas watches Dean hesitate when it comes to him but Dean takes it. Dean stays silent. _Why are you angry?_ Cas wonders, _Is this one of those things you do that you think I shouldn't be doing?_

"Feeling it yet?" Bronson asks, teeth chattering between words.

"No. I have a rather high tolerance for things that are supposed to inebriate you." Castiel says. He hadn't bothered to partake in much of the drinking that went on in camp for that very reason. It's why people offered him cigarettes when they still had them, they knew he wouldn't take them. They just didn't do anything to him so he didn't see the point. It was only a few weeks ago that alcohol began being something worth while to drink.

"Yeah. I've seen you pound back the shots before." Andrew comments.

Bethany giggles at the word pound and winks at Cas. For a brief second Dean glares at her but it goes unnoticed.

They pass the joint around a bit longer until eventually it comes to Cas and no one else wants it. Bethany, Andrew, and Bronson break away from the group one by one leaving just Cas and Dean standing behind the cabin in the snow.

Cas continues to puff away until it's done. He rolls his shoulders. He feels very relaxed. He stomps the butt into the snow when it's done the way he's seen the various smokers at camp do when they still had cigarettes. "This is...very pleasant."

"Yeah. Sure." Dean says dismissively. _I should have taken it off you._ Dean thinks, _I can't watch— that won't happen this time. It won't. I won't let it._

"What're you angry about?" Castiel asks because it'd be evident to anyone Dean is angry even if they didn't spend nearly every waking hour staring at him.

"I'm not angry." Dean says, maybe just a little more sharply than he means to.

"Good." Cas says a little sarcastic, only a little because he's still not sure if he's using it right half the time.

Dean changes the subject, "Why were you looking for me?"

Cas pauses to think. His thoughts feel a little slower than usual. "I wanted to go over the plans for tomorrow."

"Sure." Dean starts over to the HQ, Cas in tow. It's a quiet walk over but he feels better as they get away from the scene of the crime. Dean pulls the doors open to the cabin that is the brains of this half starved twitchy operation.

Bobby glares at them from his desk and wrinkles his nose. "Jeezus. What have you been smoking? Road kill?"

"Yeah- was kind of rank." Dean chuckles. His picks at his shirt and sniffs at it. "Bronson found it on the last run."

"Don't know how you kids like the stuff." Bobby grumbles as he goes back to the book he's reading.

"I found it enjoyable." Castiel offers. It makes Bobby's head snap up. Bobby glares at Dean. Cas watches them. They've been acting oddly since he discovered he could feel the effects of alcohol more readily. _You both drink to excess all the time._ Cas thinks, _I'm not reliant on it the way either of you are._  

"What?" Dean says meeting Bobby's eyes. _I know. I know better than you could ever fucking guess._ Dean thinks trying to keep his face impassive, _But it's fine. I'll watch him this time. It won't be like that._ He shrugs. "I'm not his babysitter."

"Nor would I tolerate it." Cas says trying to hint that he has seen the looks pass between the two hunters. They frequently seem to forget that he has many years their senior. He's not a civilian. He's not a child. He's not even human. He can make decisions on his own.


	19. It comes to me when I try to be my father's daughter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean isn't getting closer until Cas talks to him– not with the blade out, "You have a nightmare?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is related to [You don't have co-workers](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3442277).

Cas flies to Bobby's basement looking for Dean. He finds Dean packing shotgun shells. With Sam. They're packing the shotgun shells full of raw meat. Cas frowns at the press clogged with raw meet, "That won't work."

"What? Of course it will." Sam says cheerfully pushing the lever of the press.

"Hey Cas? Can you pass me that heart?" Dean points at a heart the size of his fist by Cas's shoe.

Cas bends to pick it up. It's still beating. He passes it to Dean. "I don't think it's appropriate to use live hearts."

"No, no. They're the best. Here." Dean takes the heart and starts smashing it with can of tomato soup. The can bursts open and soup and bits of heart start going everywhere.

"Yeah. It's great." Sam adds as he joins in smashing organs with soup cans and then scooping up the pulp and pouring it into shotgun shells.

Cas backs away. Soup and chunks of flesh spray across the room. He goes upstairs to find Bobby. Bobby will be able to reason with them. Make them realize that raw meat won't work. It has to be cooked first.

He finds Bobby in the den at his desk but when Bobby looks up Cas recoils. Bobby's face is green like a dead fish under water and his body is covered in bleeding tooth fungus. Cas backs up as Bobby rolls his wheelchair forward. The fungus starts to creep up Bobby's face. Cas backs up further. Bobby's entirely covered in bleeding tooth fungus now- except for his mouth which is full of obsidian and silver teeth.

The Bobby Monster rolls closer reaching out to him, opening and closing his mouth making horrible sounds. Cas snaps his wings out and tries to shove the Bobby Monster away. It grabs onto one wing and yanks him closer. It grabs the other and twists. Cas drops to his knees in pain. The Bobby Monster keeps twisting until it twists and tears his wings right off.

Through the pain Cas manages to get free. He grabs his severed wings and pulls them away from the Bobby Monster and hauls them downstairs. Dean will know what to do about this.

"Dean..." Cas says sadly holding his severed wings out to Dean.

"Thanks Cas!" Dean says brightly.

"Yeah, we were running out." Sam says coming forward. He takes the wings from Cas and sets them on the work table covered in raw meat. He starts tearing feathers out.

"What're you doing!?" Cas jumps forward to protect his severed wings.

Dean pushes Cas aside with a few assurances and starts cutting the severed wings apart, "This will work great!"

Cas tries to pull them away from them, explaining that they're mistaken, he doesn't want them to chop them up. He wants them to put them back on him. But he can't budge them. He can't make them stop no matter what he says.

Thumping from the stairs makes him look over. The Bobby Monster is with them now. Cas backs away in horror. The wheel chair has been consumed by the bleeding tooth fungus now. All Cas can see is that horrible mouth. Dean and Sam don't seem to notice the Bobby Monster; not even when it started tearing them apart and eating them. Not even when it mauls Dean horribly, taking huge bites from Dean's sides.

The Bobby Monster chops down on Sam's hand. Sam looks down and smiles widely. He picks up one of his severed fingers and happily starts packing it into a shotgun shell, along with some of the internal organs spilling out of the holes in Dean's sides.

Cas would like to disappear but all he can do is stand and watch as Dean tears pieces of himself off and packs them into shells.

The Bobby Monster notices him and starts wheeling forward. Cas begs Dean and Sam for help but they're busy packing shotgun shells with his severed wings and pieces of their own flesh. All the while Dean and Sam are discussing how fortunate it is that they suddenly have all this raw meat.

The Bobby Monster comes closer. Cas can—

"Cas!"

Cas lurches in his seat. He opens his eyes to see– Bobby!

Cas scrambles away, a look of terror in his eyes as he inspects Bobby for any sign of fungal growths.

Bobby looks Cas up and down, as Cas back further away. He rolls his chair over to the door and opens it, "Dean! Get in here!"

Dean stomps through the door a few moments later. "You know I'm not _pretending_ to be busy."

Bobby points over his shoulder with his thumb.

Dean looks over to see Cas hyperventilating in the corner. He's never seen Cas look this wide eyed terrified before. _What the hell?_ He looks back to Bobby for an explanation, "What the hell?"

"He was making noises. Woke him up and now..." Bobby waves to Cas as explanation, it makes Cas flinch. Bobby keeps his hands still. "Didn't really believe the whole sleeping thing, but now.... My guess is he had his first nightmare."

Dean approaches cautiously. Cas has his blade out. Dean's only half sure Cas isn't going to take a swipe at him with it. He steps close but not within arms reach, "Cas?"

Cas moves his head and shoulders towards Dean but his eyes stay locked on Bobby.

Dean looks between them for a moment, "Bobby, can you wheel your ass out for a second?"

"Great, over grown pigeon gets a nightmare and I get kicked out." Bobby grumbles as he goes but go he does. The door bangs shut behind him.

Dean waits for Bobby to get out the door before he turns back to Cas. Cas's chest is still heaving but he doesn't have that terrified look in his eyes. Dean puts his hands up. It's half a gesture meant to calm and half meant to protect himself in case Cas freaks out. _Jesus christ, I gotta sit you down one day and explain all this being human stuff before you take out someone's eye with that._ Dean thinks as he takes a slow step forward. Cas doesn't move but he's close enough. Dean isn't getting closer until Cas talks to him– not with the blade out, "You have a nightmare?"

Cas stares at the door until he notices that someone is talking to him. He blinks. He turns and looks at Dean. _Dean!_ He puts his blade away and darts towards Dean. He seizes Dean's hands and checks to make sure each one has four fingers and a thumb before pushing up the sleeves of Dean's jacket checking to make sure there are no pieces missing. He rucks up Dean's shirt to check for bites or holes in his flesh.

Dean backs up against the counter as Cas keeps manhandling him, pushing him around, turning him over, pulling his jacket partly off. He reaches up to catch Cas's hands and hold him still but Cas just motors on. Dean grabs a hold of Cas's arms and squeezes. Cas keeps on running his hands roughly over him. Dean clenches his fingers into Cas's arms but Cas doesn't even notice. Cas grabs his arm- way too hard- and flips him around. _He always fucking forgets_. Dean thinks as he tries to ignore the pain. It's nothing he can't handle but it'd be nice if Cas remembered that he might be mortal but he's still angel strong, _Going to have to sit him down and explain what the word gentle means too_. He gets flipped back around– it's not gentle. _Fuck, Cas. Seriously, we're having a talk about the word gentle_. The frantic probing stops. Cas stares at him like he's taking inventory of every skin cell. Dean's caught off guard when Cas suddenly grabs him and yanks him forward. He's crushed against Cas's chest, trapped in Cas's arms. _Must have been one hell of a nightmare_. Dean thinks before he notices that Cas isn't letting up. He starts pawing at Cas's arms again, "Cas- Cas, I can't breathe."

Cas drops his arms and steps back. He looks down. He can't meet Dean's eyes. He knows it was only a dream but it was– _It was so **real**. I felt it. I felt my wings....and Dean...._ He shivers at the thought– it's a new reaction he's developed. Fear didn't make him shiver before.

Dean pulls his shirt back into place and gets his jacket fixed. He frowns at Cas's dejected head hanging. He reaches out and does the back rubbing thing that Cas does to him sometimes when he's worked up. "Got that out of your system?"

Cas nods.

"So what was it?" Dean asks guiding Cas over to the chairs around the planning table.

Cas sits down. He still can't look at Dean _,_ not without seeing him packing his own flesh into— Cas shivers again. _I won't let that happen to you, you're not just a hammer either._ He tries to look at Dean. He can't. He looks at the table instead, "It was horrible, Dean."

"Yeah, nightmares can get pretty bad." Dean agrees, _And we're practically living one of mine, at least you get to wake up._ Dean grabs the bottle of whiskey that Bobby attempts to hide under the table. He picks up the first two empty glasses he sees on the table. He pours them each a drink. Cas gets a triple shot. He offers it to Cas, "Here, it'll take the edge off."

"Off what?" Cas asks and immediately realizes he's taken something at literal face value again. He's been getting better at the nuances of human speech but sometimes they still slip past him. He gets this one now that he's heard it. He looks down into the glass of whiskey. There are a lot of things he'd like to take the edge off, _But a glass of alcohol isn't going to do it._ Cas thinks but he brings the cup to his lips anyway.

"The apocalypse." Dean says. He sips at his whiskey. "Nightmares. Fear. You name it. It–"

"Takes the edge off." Cas finishes for him. _It doesn't_. He sits and drinks with Dean anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title comes from Parable of the Sower. I recommend it. It's a good book. For those who don't want to read it I'll explain, the title comes from a re-occurring dream about flying, falling, fire, and city lights going out.


	20. There's no time for sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not Cas's fault that Sam is being an idiot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is related to [Pit Stop](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3499889)

"Sam! Answer you're damned phone!" Dean shouts into his own phone. _Dude is worse than Cas was,_ Dean thinks as he angrily throws his phone down on the bench seat, _Even Cas phones back eventually. God damn it Sam! If you can hear me you are in so much shit when I find you!_

"Perhaps his phone is broken." Castiel offers. He knows this isn't a likely scenario but he dislikes it when Dean is upset like this. "They are rather delicate things."

"Yeah. Right. Thanks for the ever so useful suggestions there Cas. Got any other great insights today?" Dean snaps. He shifts his shoulders trying to get them comfortable but his anger is bunching them up tightly. It doesn't help that he knows Cas is staring at him _. Probably wondering what he did wrong._ Dean thinks, he breathes deeply, _It's not Cas's fault that Sam is being an idiot. I should really apologize._

Castiel sits quietly as he normally does. He knows he did nothing to anger Dean so he's not sure why Dean is angry with him. _I have nowhere else to go._ Castiel worries, _If I keep upsetting him like this...where else will I go?_ He searches his mind for something that could be a peace offering, "Are you hungry? I could go and procure food for you so that you don't have to stop."

"Yeah, I could eat." Dean says. He shifts in his seat and pulls his wallet out. He digs out a credit card and passes it to Cas. "Just keep it for all your angel needs."

Castiel takes the offered card, thankful that his peace offering has been accepted and that he's been given one in return. "What would you like?"

Dean lets out a low bitter laugh. _I'd like Sammy to fucking phone me back_. He thinks bitterly, _I'd like the fucking apocalypse to stop_. He grips the steering wheel tight. "Just a burger and fries- and a milkshake. I could totally go for a milkshake right now."

A ruffle of feathers and Cas is gone. Dean looks over to the empty passenger seat and thinks about the people who have occupied it. He nearly drives off the road.

Since he's already almost there, Dean pulls off the rest of the way and stops the car. He phones Sam a few more times interchanging between yelling at him and telling him there's no hard feelings between them. When he's let it all out he sits and waits for Cas to phone asking where he is. He realizes then that he never said sorry before Cas left.


	21. Four at a time. Twice a day.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean stares. He knows Cas isn't human, that it will probably take a hell of a lot more for him to overdose, but it scares the ever loving shit out of him how nonchalant Cas is about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is related to [Forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3584702)

Dean has to jog to catch up to him, "You taking the prozac I gave you?"

Cas ignores him and keeps walking. He tries not to think about Dean but he does anyway, _Why do you keep coming back? Why do you keep following me around? You left. Why can't you just leave if you left? How am I supposed to do anything if you keep doing this?_

"It can take a while to start working." Dean says in the silence that Cas leaves. He wants to grab Cas and make him stop and talk but he knows he can't. If he does he might tell Cas everything, _And then that stupid angelic bastard would just hop right back on the runaway train_. Dean thinks and he's half tempted to tell Cas anyway, _But I'm not going to be a selfish bastard again. He's not going to die with me this time. We're going to make it...well Cas is at least_.

Cas stays quiet.

Dean grabs him despite knowing it's a bad idea. Cas whirls around and stares at him with those too blue eyes and he nearly spills it all, nearly tells Cas the whole damn story of how they got like this and how it's all his fault. He clenches his jaw for a moment to let the urge pass. He realizes they've been staring at each other this whole time. He glances down to Cas's shoes, "Dude, I gotta know if you're going to be okay to go out again any time soon. So?"

"Yes. I'm still taking it." Cas growls out. _Of course that's what you're concerned about_. Cas thinks with loathing, _How many fighters and soldiers can you field?_ Cas turns his head away. He can't look at Dean, not without his chest caving in all over again, "It's not working. I increased the dose and it's still not working."

"How much?" Dean asks suspiciously.

"Four at a time. Twice a day." Cas tells him.

Dean stares. He knows Cas isn't human, that it will probably take a hell of a lot more for him to overdose, but it scares the ever loving shit out of him how nonchalant Cas is about taking that much prozac. He had given Cas the pills with the highest dosage he could find, if something happens it'll be his fault. _He'll start taking more if he thinks it's not working_. Dean realizes, _He'll take more and if he finds it on his own he'll take anything. This is how it happens. He gets depressed and just takes anything to make it stop_. Dean collects his nerves and resolves to be the source of medication for Cas. At least that way he can regulate how much and what Cas is taking. "We'll find some valium or something while we're out this time. It helps faster."

"Well won't that be wonderful. Thank you for your precious time Fearless Leader." Cas snarls out what used to be an annoying nickname. _It helps faster. Right. Who cares how you feel just get your shit back together as fast as possibe. Dean fucking Winchester needs more warm bodies for a mission._ Cas is seething and barely keeps it under control, _Why can't you just leave me alone? Haven't I done enough for you?_

Dean frowns at the name. Cas used to tease him with it but now it's a swear. "And you shouldn't be taking that much prozac at once, let alone twice a day."

"How would _you_ know how much I should be taking?" Cas snaps back.

Dean ignores it. Cas has every right to be mad at him, "When we find some valium you should take less."

Cas curls his lip in disgust, "I'll take exactly the amount I _need_."


	22. I feel it.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He can wait. He's an angel after all, half of being an angel is just waiting around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is related to [Forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3584702)  
> Title is a Peggy Lee song.  
> Previously titled: There's only one rule.

Cas watches Dean bent over the map. He watches the way Dean's hands move, the way his fingers pause on certain locations and tap, the way he frowns and chews at his lips as he thinks. Cas feels warm all over. He wants to smile for no reason at all— _No that's a lie, I want to smile for one reason: Dean._ His heart beats faster when Dean casually shifts his legs and his foot brushes along Cas's calf. The warmth throughout his body intensifies and he becomes pleasantly light-headed, it's the best high he's ever had. _This has to be it._ Cas thinks calmly, _This has to be what love feels like._ He takes a deep breath, he had forgotten to breathe for a few moments there. "Dean..."

Dean glances up from the map. Cas is looking at him like he's terrified and over the moon all at the same time. For a moment he experiences the odd sensation of both bursting with happiness at what he knows Cas wants to say and absolutely dreading what Cas wants to say. He knows he's right, he can see it in Cas's eyes. "No."

Cas starts again, "Dean, I—"

" ** _No_**. Don't say it. You're not aloud to say it." Dean says but what he thinks is, _Say it anyway! Say it because I'm a stupid fuck and can't let myself be happy._ He knows he can't say that though. If he does, if he lets Cas say the big L word, he knows Cas will follow him right down to the end. He knows he'd never be able to talk Cas out of not going on that last mission. He pulls his face into something cold and stern, "I can't keep doing this if you say it. If you want to keep doing this that's the only rule. You don't say it."

Cas stares at him. Dean's face is a wall of stone. _He really means it._ Cas thinks sadly, _He really can't hear it out loud._ This realization hurts Cas in a way he never thought possible. _He wants me to be human, to show human feelings but I can't say it?_ He runs his hands over the maps on the table. He can wait. He's an angel after all, half of being an angel is just waiting around. _Dean will come to terms with it eventually. I just have to wait long enough to say it._ He takes in a deep breath, he had forgotten to breathe for a few moments there. "Chuck says we're low on penicillin. We should probably start scouting out some sources."


	23. It tastes like ash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas can only meet Dean's eyes for a second before he looks down to the table, "I ate....some of them."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is related to [Forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3584702)

Dean comes in; two plates piled high with food. He feels guilty about it, the camp's running low on everything, but... _but it's **Cas** and he needs to goddamned **eat** something!_ He finds Cas sitting at the table reading the book like he told him to. The sticky notes he left behind in the book are stuck neatly in rows beside a bowl of sunflower seeds. Dean sets the plates down. He glances at the bowl. It's practically full. He points at it sternly. "That better be a refill."

Cas looks up mournfully from the book. He can only meet Dean's eyes for a second before he looks down to the table, "I ate.... _some_ of them."

Dean sighs and shakes his head. He knows it's going to take awhile for Cas to get over this. _I'm sorry I can't fix this._ Dean prays, but only because he knows Cas can't hear him anymore, _I'm sorry I can't fix anything. Just eat. I can't fix this but I can try to take care of you. Just let me take care of you for once._ He sits down beside Cas. He pushes one of the plates over to him. He gives Cas another stern look.

Cas looks at the plate of food before him. It just strikes home how much he's lost. _I shouldn't have to eat._ He lets out a long painful sigh. The crushing weight of what he's lost threatens to grind him into nothingness. He glances up at Dean.

"Oh no, you're not getting out of it." Dean says when he sees the look on Cas's face. Somewhere along the way Cas got far too good at manipulating people with those big sad eyes. He's not falling for it. Dean pushes the plate a little closer to Cas, "You wanted me to tell you what to do? Well today? You're eating."

Cas lets out a long sad breath. He doesn't touch the plate. He can't. If he touches the plate then it's all real. He can feel another great gaping black hole start to open in his chest. It won't take much to consume him, there's already so many little cracks and fissures that have never healed. The nothing keeps creeping in. He can't help it. He's tried to stop it but ever since— He sighs. He can't.

"I mean it Cas." Dean nudges the plate closer. _Why won't you just eat?_ Dean begs internally, _I can't watch you keep doing this. Just eat something_. Dean glances at the plate. He knows it's not the most appetizing but he tried to pick out things Cas likes. _See? I'm trying, why aren't you?_ He nudges the plate again, "You're always saying tell me, so I'm telling. Eat."

Cas sighs again. Dean is looking at him in such a way that it's making it clear that he's hurting Dean too. He touches the plate and shivers. It makes it that much more real. He picks at some of the canned peach. Dean watches him like a hawk. Cas eats it. It tastes like ash in his mouth. _I shouldn't have to do this. I'm not like them. I'm not human_.

Dean relaxes. _Thank you! God damn Cas, thank you!_ He starts to dig into his own dinner. He motions at the book, "So, how far have you gotten?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a Never Ending Story reference. I don't know if I want to hint at the various references or just leave people to find them....
> 
> The chapter is preceded by [ Ease my troubled mind](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1563353/chapters/3754333)


	24. Healthy Young Adults

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas breathes out in relief. This has been the longest week of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is related to the chapter [Hellishly intense introspection nightmares](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3754431)
> 
> For those interested I generally post progress on this fanfic here: [Brains for Baby Jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/), as well as what sort of research is going on in relation to this (though be warned there is also a lot of nonsense that goes on there too).

The full moon is the only light in Dean's cabin but it's enough for Cas to see. He watches Dean and listens to him breathe in the dark. Dean's breath comes in rattling gasps. It may be the most terrifying noise Cas has ever heard because he can't do a damn thing about it. He has to sit here and do nothing like all the others. _Like all the humans._ Cas thinks bitterly, _How do they go on living like this? Never being in control of themselves. How am I supposed to live like this?_

Dean lets out a long choked breath. He stays still. There's no wheezing gasp in.

Cas lurches forward. _It's **silence. That's** the most terrifying thing I've heard._ _My brothers all went silent_. Cas thinks as he shakes Dean, _Don't leave me alone in silence too!_ He shakes Dean a second time- a little rougher- when he doesn't wake up. He can feel panic starting to creep in. He leans down and presses his ear to Dean's chest.

Dean groans. "Bwhuh...?"

Cas breathes out in relief. This has been the longest week of his life. He sits down on the bed. A few tremors of pent up crushing worry rip through him. "Nothing. Go back to sleep. You need to rest."

Dean looks up bleary eyed. His face is pale and his eyes are red; dark circles around them. There's that slimy sick-sweat coating him from head to toe and his hair is matted down with it. He looks awful. He opens his mouth to say something but instead goes into a coughing fit.

Cas reaches down and grabs the garbage pail for him. The coughing used to be dry but now he's coughing things up. Cas can feel the heat radiating off Dean.

Dean hacks up something green and flops back down. Everything hurts everywhere. _Feels like those Hellhound in slow motion_. Dean thinks through the fever. Dean squints in the dark at Cas moving around. Cas picks up a bottle off the nightstand. Dean can just make out what it is in the moonlight. He grimaces at it. "Had enough of that watered down gatorade crap."

"You haven't been eating and this is the best we can do." Cas says unscrewing the cap. _How is a watered down sports drink the best I can do?_ Cas thinks as he offers it to Dean, _How am I this useless in the face of something so trivially human?_ He presses it against Dean's lips until Dean acquiesces. He makes Dean take a few gulps before recapping the bottle.

"How's-" Dean stops to cough. The garbage pail is in front of him again without asking. He spits out more green goop. He reaches out blindly for tissues and they're suddenly placed in his hands. _Where the hell did these even come from?_ Dean wonders as he blows his nose until it hurts, _Who went out and got all this while everyone is sick?_ He drops the used tissues somewhere and can't be bothered to figure out where they went, "How's the camp doing? Anyone die?"

"A few. Chris last night." Cas says picking up the used tissues and throwing them in the garbage pail. He isn't about to tell Dean that of their forty-three residents nineteen are dead and of the twenty-four left there's just four of them up and moving. _At least we don't have to worry about starving for the moment._

"Son of a bitch." Dean shakes his head a little- not too much because his head will start spinning. He slumps down in the bed, just sitting up is exhausting. "How's Heather taking it?"

"She doesn't know." Cas says pulling the blankets back up over Dean, "She came down with it two days ago."

"Who's taking care of everybody?" Dean asks as his eyelids threaten to close. He tries to think if anyone else has a medical background in camp. _What the hell are we going to do if we lose **both** of our nurses?_ Dean worries through the exhaustion. _There's only so much I can stitch up._

"Ian, Lacy, and Bronson." Cas tells him. He excludes himself in that list because he rarely leaves Dean's cabin.

"You got _Lacy_ to help sick people?" Dean chuckles softly. His head feels heavy. He starts to drift off again.

"There hasn't been much choice." Cas says quietly as Dean falls asleep. He moves to get up but Dean's hand darts out and grabs the back of his shirt.

"No. Just...just sit there." Dean says, his eyes fluttering close as he says it. Sleep and exhaustion pull him back down into the darkness again.

Cas sits down. Dean's hand drops from his shirt as he falls back to sleep. He sits quietly and watches Dean breathe in the dark. He rests one hand on Dean's leg. _Please let him get better._ Cas prays to anyone that will listen, _Please_.

A tremor runs through Dean, it's enough to wake him up. He stares at the dark figure sitting on the bed. _Who the hell is that?_ Dean worries. The dark figure doesn't move. "Cas?"

"Yes?"

"Oh." Dean says as he gathers his thoughts back up. _It's just Cas._ Dean thinks, trying to reassure himself. _Who else would it be?_ Dean tries not to answer his own question, there's too many answers to that and they're all terrifying. Instead he tries to make out Cas sitting there so close to him. _You're always there watching over me while I sleep._ He frowns at himself. Cas is always trying to help him. "Cas, I'm...the thing at the hotel...I'm—" He breaks out into a hacking cough.

"It's okay. Rest. I know." Cas runs his hand down Dean's leg in a reassuring gesture, "Me too."

"We okay?" Dean asks as he snakes his hand back up to grab a fistful of Cas's shirt again. _It just...feels safer to know he's there._

"Of course." Cas says. _We're always okay_. Cas thinks fondly _, I don't know what you could do, my friend, to make us not okay._

Dean shifts on to his side, fist to curled into Cas's shirt, and pulls the blankets close around his face. His eyes pop open in panic, "You're...going to stay, right?"

"Always."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My mystery flu is based on the 1918 influenza (which devastated and spared very strange population brackets most deaths occurred in healthy people between 20 to 40 years old) and a little bit on the 2009 influenza outbreak.


	25. Dan Gallagher

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's pouring rain and frigid outside but he'd rather be out in this weather than listen to Dean obsess over that gun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ****Warning from some rather violent sex****  
> (Seriously, in my notes this is referred to as "the angry hotel fuck" there's a reason for that)
> 
> And I can't remember if it's been addressed yet or not (it's 4:15am I'm tired) but I will now since they don't really bring it up very often in this fic, Jimmy Novak ain't around anymore.
> 
> This is related to the chapter [Hellishly intense introspection nightmares](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3754431)
> 
> For those interested I generally post progress on this fanfic here: [Brains for Baby Jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/), as well as what sort of research is going on in relation to this (though be warned there is also a lot of nonsense that goes on there too).

"You think it's the Colt?"

Cas's whole body clenches tight in anger at those words. _We're starving to death and you're going to make us stop and look for that fucking gun._ Cas thinks angrily. He may not have to eat as much as everyone else but he does in fact have to eat at some point _. I'm doing better than all of you but that won't last much longer, especially if you keep wasting our time on that gun._

Emily and Derek share a quick look between each other. It causes the others to glance over at Cas, then to Dean, then back to Cas. Dean and Cas may be the unquestioned leaders of Camp Chitaqua but that doesn't mean the residents of the camp are blind to what's about to happen, it's been building for months.

A sharp huff leaves Cas as Dean continues grilling the transitory hunter they've run into. He's had enough of this. He can't be in this dingy abandoned motel room and hear another word about that gun. He grabs his own gun off the bed and heads for the door.

Dean is standing beside the door. He's momentarily distracted from his discussion with Gibson when Cas starts coming towards him. Dean doesn't realize he's heading for the door until he has it open. Dean pushes the door shut. "What're you doing?"

"What does it look like?" Cas says turning to glare at him. It makes Gibson flinch but Dean just stares back at him. "Going out."

"Ah, _no_. We're laying low. Remember?" Dean says hand still on the door. It's entirely symbolic. _Cas could probably tear the door right off the hinges if he felt like it_. Dean thinks while he stands his ground against that look Cas has on his face, _You know you're not as scary as you think you are....close but not quite._

Cas clenches his jaw. _You have been insufferable these last two weeks_. Cas thinks, as his glare intensifies at Dean before he flies from the room. He lands outside at the corner of the motel and starts walking. It's pouring rain and frigid outside but he'd rather be out in this weather than listen to Dean obsess over that gun.

"For fuck's sake." Dean flings the door open. It bangs against the wall. All thoughts about laying low are pushed from his head. _Cas has been acting like a goddamned child lately but this takes the cake._ Dean thinks in a rage, _How did he go from smug dick with wings to complete brat so quickly?_ He looks around but doesn't see him. He kicks a nearby chair that's rotting to pieces. It bursts into splitters. "Fucking _winged_ _dick_."

The others back up when Dean spins around looking for his own gun. They aren't about to get involved in this. Something's been simmering just beneath the surface between these two for the last three months and it looks like they might be the unlucky souls who get to witness it boiling over.

"Stay here. He won't go far." Dean snaps, not really addressing anyone in particular. He snatches his gun up from where it's leaning against the wall and heads out looking for Cas. The rain makes it impossible to track him and it's freezing Dean to the bone but he has a good idea of where Cas probably ran off to. _I've spent practically every waking hour with that bastard for the last two years if anyone knows Cas it's me._ He goes around to the back of the motel where there's an awning over the scummy outdoor pool. Cas is standing there like he's waiting for him. He stalks over, on the way he debates on whether he wants to try his luck with giving Cas a good punch to the jaw. He'll probably just end up breaking a couple of fingers. He stops when he's inches away from Cas, "What the hell is your problem today?"

"We're here to look for food." Cas says, his voice sounding colder than the rain. _Or did you forget? Do you think we can eat that gun?_

"Yeah, and if the Colt's around we're looking for it too." Dean snaps back. "You don't have to act like a goddamned child about it."

"Can you for _once_ stop obsessing about _that gun?"_ Cas growls out. He can feel his grace trying to flare up in angelic anger, it doesn't do much but his body picks up the slack. He can feel his blood pumping harder and the heat rising in his veins. He shoves Dean away. "What _good_ do you think it will do?"

Dean trips backward a few steps but he catches himself. That rage he was feeling moments before in the pit of his stomach starts to bubble back up to the surface. "Oh, I don't know? _Kill the Devil maybe?"_

"And then _what?"_ Cas demands striding closer like he's ready for battle. He's had enough. That gun? The cheap motels they _still_ frequent? Dean? All of it. He's had enough. His hand instinctively go to his blade at his hip. "What _then_ Dean? Tell me."

"Oh fuck, don't start that bullshit with me again." Dean says rolling his eyes. He's had enough of Cas and his Tell me's. _Cas can just tell himself_. Dean fumes, _He can go fuck himself while he's at it._

Cas's hand tightens on the handle of his blade. A little jolt zips through him as the tangible piece of his grace tries to connect to him. It fuels the smouldering fire his grace is trying to start. He glowers at Dean while he tries to keep that anger in check.

"Good. Go on and give me the smite you look because that's so fucking helpful." Dean says, his tone is caustic and biting. He watches Cas open his mouth and close it. He waits. He knows what Cas wants to say. He growls in impatience, "Go on. **_Say it._** I know you want to."

Cas doesn't budge except to flex his fingers around his blade. He hates that Dean knows him so well.

" **Fine**. _I'll_ say it. What now? _Tell me Dean_. I need to understand. I'm a stupid angelic bastard and I don't understand a goddamned thing!" Dean shouts at him. Abstractly he hopes the rain is loud enough that it won't attract croats but he doesn't stop shouting, " _Tell me Dean_ , because I can't make my own fucking decisions unless you hold my fucking hand!"

Cas lets him shout and gives him a few moments after to recover before asking the obvious, "So?"

" ** _Fuck_**." Dean spins around and takes a few short sharp steps away. He runs his hands through his hair. He feels like pulling out a few clumps. _Cas you are driving me fucking insane._ Dean thinks while he tries to calm down. _I'm going to lose my shit one of these days and I bet it's going to start with Tell me Dean._

Cas watches Dean have his overdramatic moment of growling and hair pulling. It makes his grace spark in anger and his blood boil. _And you think **I'm** the one acting like a child?_ He thinks changing his grip on his blade. Several other acidic thoughts cross his mind in that moment and as the words start to leave his mouth he knows he's going to regret them later but right now he wants to give in to the anger that's just below the surface, "You can't save him Dean. Sam is dead. That gun won't save him. That gun is probably useless. The world is going to be _eaten alive_ by croats and you're going to waste our last days looking for _that fucking gun!"_

Dean freezes at his brother's name. It's the first time anyone's said it in a long while. His eyes go wide for a moment, stunned that Cas of all people would say what he just said, before narrowing in rage. He spins around. " ** _What? What did you just say?_** _"_

"You heard me." Cas retorts standing his ground. An angry Dean Winchester is nothing new to him. _Dean's always angry about something._ Cas thinks, _Might as well be angry about me._ He marches a few steps closer and stabs a finger into Dean's chest, "We're _starving_ to death and you're looking for a gun you're never going to find."

Hands and weapons and feet move so fast Dean's barely aware of what's happening. All he knows is that it pisses him off even more that Cas's is _letting_ him push him up against the brick of the motel wall. Cas is still enough of an angel that Dean isn't going to move him otherwise. Dean realizes he's standing almost flush against Cas. They're both breathing hard. He twists the muzzle of his gun into Cas's chest. _Gun?...what?_ Dean tries to piece together when and how that happened. He shakes a little and he doesn't know if it's in anger or fear. "Shut the fuck up Cas."

Cas presses the point of his blade against Dean's stomach. _What is wrong with us Dean?_ Cas worries as his hand seems to twist the blade of it's own accord. _What're we doing?_ Cas presses the blade down harder, almost enough to draw blood. " **No**. We are trying to protect and feed forty-six people not including ourselves and you want to chase rumours while they starve."

Dean pulls back from Cas and starts to walk away. He can't do this right now. He's wound up, too on edge. Everything has just been one cluster fuck after another these past few weeks. Cas is right, they've been starving and everyone has been walking on razors these days because of it. Himself included.

"Do **not** walk away from **_me_** Dean Winchester! We are not done here!" Castiel says in his Angel of the Lord voice. He grabs Dean and spins him around. He's immediately greeted with a punch to the face. _Good. This I understand._ Cas thinks satisfied, _This I can do_. He elbows Dean in the stomach and gets a second strike to his face in response. He lets Dean shove him backwards and slam him against the wall. His blood is on fire with more than anger now. He stamps on Dean's foot, not hard enough to break it but hard enough that it'll hurt tomorrow.

Pain shoots through him from his toes up his spine. Dean glares at Cas before grabbing his arms and giving him a second good shove against the wall. He hears the crack of Cas's head off the brick but Cas doesn't even seem to notice. Dean digs his fingers into Cas's arms, it's hard enough that it's going to leave bruises. Cas has been staring at him the whole time. Dean stops to actually _look_ at him. He wants to yell in wordless frustration at what he sees. Cas is baiting him again. It pisses him off more, which is exactly what Cas wants. Ever since the others died this thing they do has just been getting worse and worse. _When the hell did you become such a sadomasochist?_ Dean thinks briefly, _And how the hell do I never notice you luring me into it?_ Dean is about to let go when Cas friggin' head-butts him. That anger that's been sloshing around in his stomach lashes out again. Before he knows what he's doing he gets a hand on Cas's throat and shoves him back against the wall again. His other hand balls into a fist and socks Cas in the jaw. He stops himself from doing it a second time but he's still pressing down on Cas's neck. His breath comes hard and laboured.

Cas studies Dean as he huffs in barely controlled anger. _We needed this. We don't have anyone else we can take our frustrations out on and the last week has been hell._ Cas thinks still watching Dean breathe, _We don't have anyone else but each other and if this is what you need—_

Dean is startled when Cas yanks him in close. He tries to pull back at first thinking he's going to get head-butted a second time but it's Cas's lips that crash against him instead. _Fine, if this is what you need let's go._ Dean thinks still pressing his hand down on Cas's throat. _You want to fight and fuck? Fine. Let's fight and fuck._ Dean leans down to unclip the thigh strap for Cas's blade. Cas follows him biting and tugging at his lips. He gets the sheath off and makes sure to jam the handle of the blade into Cas's side before dropping it to the ground. Cas jerks his leg up to knee him in the balls but it's slow enough that Dean can easily twist aside. He gets kneed in the thigh instead. _Not quite **that** stupid are you?_ Dean thinks, _Know you're not going to get what you want if you take it that far._

Cas is frantically trying to squirm out of his shoes while he undoes Dean's belt. Dean bites at his neck and ears while he unbuttons Dean's jeans and gets the zipper down. He reaches in, Dean's already hard, he pulls him out and gives him a few rough strokes. He manages to kick one shoe off while he does that. That's really all he needs. _This is **all** I really need._

Dean yanks Cas's belt off, it doesn't take much to get his jeans down, they've both lost a lot of weight the last two months but Cas even more so. Cas's jeans slide to the ground easily. _And of course you're out on a mission fucking commando again._ Dean thinks. He doesn't know how Cas doesn't chaff while they're out running for their lives. He shoves aside the little issues in favour for concentrating on the important one at hand. He lets Cas get one foot out his jeans before he presses him against the brick wall.

Cas brings his free leg up to Dean's hip, He wraps his arms around Dean's neck before hauling the other leg up. His jeans are still caught on his shoe but he can't be bothered to care. He wraps his legs around Dean leaning back against the wall. "Hurry the fuck up."

Dean licks his hand then runs it over his dick. He does it a second time before he starts positioning Cas. "That's all you're getting."

"It's all I ever get from you. The absolute least. Always last. Sam, that gun, Everyone Else, Dean, and then Cas." Cas snaps back even though he knows it's not true but it still hurts to know he comes in third. _I know I won't ever replace Sam but to come after that gun...._ "What makes you think I'd thought you had changed?"

" _Shut up_." Dean snarls at him. He gets everything lined up and starts to press Cas down but he hesitates. _I'm basically fucking him dry_. Dean realizes what he's about to do, _I should at least get a finger or two in there first..._

"Just fucking **_do_** _it."_ Cas digs his fingers into Dean's shoulders but Dean doesn't move. He can see Dean second guessing this. _Do it Dean. This is what we need_. Cas pleads internally, _We're going to get reckless with the others if we don't do this_. Cas claws his fingers into the brand he left behind what feels like a millennia ago, "Or are you too busy thinking about that fucking gun?"

Dean scowls at him and starts pushing him down. It burns and Dean doesn't give a fuck. This is what Cas wants so this is what Cas is going to get and if he gets off while Cas is getting off on whatever the fuck this is than it's just all for the better.

The pain races up through him. Cas cuts himself off from the worst of it with his grace but only just enough to make it bearable. It was Autumn that showed him how a little pain with pleasure can make it all the more intense but with Dean he tries to feel it all.

Dean drags his teeth along Cas's neck and bites at the bruise already forming on his jaw. He's going to have a couple of his own bruises but not as bad as the ones Cas will have. A life time of hunting has made Dean a bit more thick skinned. It makes him think about how the body Cas is wearing wasn't always his. It's not the body of a solider, it bruises easier. _Jimmy you lucked out dying the way you did._ Dean thinks enviously, _No pain, no fear, no croats. Just a shove up to Heaven._

Cas rubs the stubble on his jaw against the soft skin behind Dean's ear then turns to nip at it. Dean hisses in response so he does it again before pulling back to kiss him. It's harsh, there's too much teeth and too much pressure, but there's a frenzied need behind it so neither let up. _I didn't realize how much I needed this too_. Cas thinks as he drives his tongue into Dean's mouth, _Has our situation really been this desperate the last few weeks?_ Cas tries not to think too much about it. Instead he tries to focus on Dean's mouth and the steady rhythm of Dean's hips.

Slowly it starts getting easier to thrust into Cas. Everything is slicker and Dean knows it has to be blood but he doesn't care. Cas hasn't said stop. _We're going to drive right off the cliff together aren't we?_ Dean thinks while he picks up the pace, _And nose dive into the crazy at the bottom._

Cas eases his grace back as the pain lessens. There's still more behind the wall of his grace and he lets it trickle through until he feels it all. Every thrust burns again but he'd rather feel that then the burn of anger. He pulls Dean in closer with his legs trying to get every last inch. He can feel Dean tense up. Without warning Dean sinks his teeth into his neck and then there's a rush of warmth inside of him as Dean comes. Cas keeps his legs wrapped tightly around him as Dean gives him a few more sharp thrusts before sinking against him. Cas runs a hand up Dean's neck and through his hair. _I needed this, but I think you needed it more._ Cas thinks as he runs his hand up and down the back of Dean's head and neck.

Dean breathes hard against Cas, his face pressed into Cas's neck. The hot rage that's been building up for days dissipates to a dull anger. He keeps his eyes closed. He doesn't want to look at Cas just yet. He can still feel Cas's dick hard against him; his shirt is damp where it's been leaking pre-come. He breathes out long and loud then pulls out. He drops Cas down and backs away. His legs feel like rubber. He plunks down on the ground before they can give out on him. His brain feels like mush. He sits and breathes for a moment and tries to sort out what just happened but the only thing he can think is, _It's stopped raining._

Cas watches Dean for a moment before he gestures to his own dick. "Well?"

Dean doesn't look at him but he knows what it is Cas is getting at. One eye twitches as that anger threatens to boil back up. He can't do that again. That was too much as it was. _Everything's been going just a little too far lately._ Dean thinks, _One day we're going to blow way past the line and never be able to go back._ He keeps his eyes off Cas, "Do it yourself."

Cas glares at him but he can't be bothered to argue. He bends down and starts untying his shoe so he can get his jeans untangled. He notices the sticky warmth creeping down his legs. He pulls his socks off and stands on his jeans while he wipes himself down, he glances up to see Dean staring. He throws the other sock over to him.

Dean looks over. Cas is standing there, blood and come running down his thighs. He tosses one sock to Dean and wipes down his thighs with the other. _Christ, even after that and he's still trying to look out for me_. Dean catches the sock and wipes himself off because there's not much else he can do. He watches Cas silently clean himself up the best he can. _You're not going to complain about a damn thing that just happened, are you?_ He tucks his dick back into his pants and does his jeans up. Cas still hasn't said a word, "Jesus christ Cas, you're just going to take that kind of shit from me?"

Cas puts his sock back on and leans over to grab the other one from Dean. He pulls his jeans on and shoves his feet back into his shoes. Dean is staring at him waiting for an answer. He glares at him, " _Always_ Dean."

Dean flinches. When Cas starts in with his Always Dean moments it's usually sappy and chick flicky but what Cas said right there? That was swearing if he ever heard it. He watches Cas tie up his shoes like he's imaging tying a noose and Dean can guess who it's for.

Cas hikes his pants back up and does his belt up. He stalks away without a word.

Dean stares at his back until he disappears around the corner of the motel. _Jesus fucking christ. What the hell did I just do?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So unless you just flicked through this for smut you've read the previous chapter and know they sort of acknowledge that they're sorry this happened. I think I need to write the end notes when I'm less tired. I don't know I feel like I have to apologize for them not apologizing. They make me sad here.


	26. It isn't and it won't.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He can take the apocalypse but he can't take this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is related to the chapter [Hellishly intense introspection nightmares](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3754431)
> 
> For those interested I generally post progress on this fanfic here: [Brains for Baby Jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/), as well as what sort of research is going on in relation to this (though be warned there is also a lot of nonsense that goes on there too).

_I can take the apocalypse but I can't take this_.

The screen door to their cabin opens.

"Cas..?"

Cas curls into a ball under the blankets. The screen door closes. Cas listens to the soft tread of Dean's worn out boots on the floor. _Please don't try to talk to me. Please. I just want to be alone_.

"Cas you've been in here all week." Dean says to the lump of blankets on the bed. He looks over to the table to see if Cas has eaten anything from last night or this morning. Dean's face pulls into a look of worry, everything sits untouched. He wipes a hand over his face. He doesn't know how to deal with this but he's trying, "Cas I know you don't have to eat as much as everyone else but you **_do_** gotta eat some time."

 _I shouldn't have to._ Cas doesn't move. _I shouldn't be stuck here either_.

Dean studies the lump of blankets where he knows Cas has to be hiding out still. He gets it, he really does. _But starving yourself and locking yourself up isn't going to change anything._ Dean thinks sadly, _You're still you. You still watch over me. This doesn't change who you are_. He goes over and sits on the bed. He reaches around to rub Cas's back. "I know it sucks but..."

 _But what, Dean?_ Cas thinks and curls in on himself tighter, _But...?_

"Look, just...how about you come out with me for a bit today? It doesn't have to be long." Dean says gently. He keeps rubbing Cas's back the way Cas had done for him– _Christ was it only three years ago?_ He wishes he knew what to say to make this better but he doesn't, "We can go check out that gas station you were talking about if you want."

Cas tries to force himself to not take comfort from Dean's touch. He doesn't want to feel better. He just wants who he was back, _I don't want to go out. I don't want to go anywhere. I want to be me again._

Dean can feel Cas tense up under his hand. _Cas, what am I supposed to do?_ Dean thinks, _You have to tell me Cas._ But Cas doesn't tell him. Cas just curls in tighter like he's trying to disappear. Dean crawls over Cas and curls up around him. "It's okay. It'll be okay."

_It isn't and it won't._


	27. It's definitely not a crisis.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean looks up sharply then hurriedly looks away. He puts a hand to the back of his neck and rubs it, "Nothing. Everything's fine- well you know- fine for us."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is related to the chapter [Hellishly intense introspection nightmares](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3754431)
> 
> For those interested I generally post progress on this fanfic here: [Brains for Baby Jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/), as well as what sort of research is going on in relation to this (though be warned there is also a lot of nonsense that goes on there too).

Cas is enjoying his book, feet up on the table, when Dean stomps in. His eyes flick over Dean quickly. Something has him agitated. _I just wanted to read. Ten minutes without a crisis is all I ask for._ Cas thinks as he sets his book down. "What happened?"

Dean looks up sharply then hurriedly looks away. He puts a hand to the back of his neck and rubs it, "Nothing. Everything's fine- well you know- fine for us."

"And that's why you came stomping in here?" Cas says clearly not believing a word Dean has said. "What's happened?"

"Nothing...ah...I've got....umm...things....Chuck. Yeah. I have to go see Chuck." Dean stammers out before spinning around and fleeing out the door.

Cas stares at the door for a moment before going back to his book. Their arguments about the Colt have finally come to a mutual agreement of disappointment. Dean keeps looking for the Colt but Cas doesn't want to hear a word about it. _At least he knows better than to come into our home and start arguing about it again. It's what the HQ is for._

A few pages later and Dean is barging back into the cabin. He stands at the door and shifts back and forth on his feet.

"What?" Cas asks after putting up with Dean's fidgeting for a few minutes.

"Nothing." Dean says quickly and then just as quickly runs for the door again.

Cas shakes his head and goes back to his book. It happens three more times before Cas is fed up with it. Dean is just about to race out the door again when Cas slaps his book down on the table. "So help me Dean Winchester if you do not tell me what is going on you are not getting laid for the rest of the week."

The outburst is enough to make Dean stop. A laugh escapes him. He turns around, still chuckling to himself, "First off, yeah right. Like you'd withhold sex. Second, it's Saturday."

"Don't try me." Cas says putting his feet down. He sits up straight. "What is going on?"

Dean looks down at his feet and shifts around uncomfortably.

" _Dean_."

Dean takes a few hesitant steps forward before he stops and pulls something out of his jacket. It's wrapped up in old newspaper. He clutches it close then practically springs across the cabin. He shoves the small package at Cas.

Cas frowns at the package that's being pushed into his face. He glances up at Dean but Dean is looking anywhere that's not him. He takes the package and pulls the newspaper off. It's a flask.

"I just thought- you always steal mine. It's annoying. So. Yeah. There. Now you have your own." Dean says quickly. He takes a quick glance at Cas's face. Cas looks confused. _Fuck, I knew this was a bad idea._ He backs up a few steps and rubs at his neck, "I- uh....have to....guns?....I gotta.....get some stuff done."

Cas watches Dean flee the cabin again. He looks down at the flask. He looks at the door. A slow smile works its way onto his face. They've been together a year as of this week. _Considering your only rule I didn't think you'd do something like this._ He goes back to his book but he's only half paying attention. The other half is working out what he's going to do to Dean tonight. _Is sex a suitable anniversary gift? I'll have to ask Chuck._


	28. What's wrong with sex and drugs?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean grips the bottle tight. He can feel the plastic starting to give in his hand. "You know what that looks like, right?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is related to the chapter [Hellishly intense introspection nightmares](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3754431)
> 
> For those interested I generally post progress on this fanfic here: [Brains for Baby Jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/), as well as what sort of research is going on in relation to this (though be warned there is also a lot of nonsense that goes on there too).

Dean walks in.

Patrick looks over and freezes. He pulls his shirt on, digs a couple of prescription bottles out of his jacket, and hustles out of Cas's cabin.

Dean watches him go. He looks over at Cas suspicious, "What was that?"

Cas gets up and stretches letting Dean get an eye full of what he isn't getting anymore. He yawns wide, "What was what?"

"Patrick." Dean says flatly.

"What do you think it was?" Cas laughs and starts picking up clothes off the floor. He smells a shirt and shrugs. It's good enough.

Dean stares, his face cold and impassive. He can't quite believe what he just saw but the two orange prescription bottles are still there so this must be real.

"Need it spelled out for you?" Cas laughs as he pulls his shirt on. _If you get to drown yourself in women after I can screw whoever I damn well please._ Cas thinks; the very thought is caustic. He gives Dean a malicious smile, "We were fucking."

"No. I get that part." Dean says. As much as it hurts he gets it. He's been doing the same thing trying to fill up a hole in his chest called Cas since he did this to them. He picks up one of the bottles and holds it up. "I mean what's this about?"

Cas shrugs and starts looking for pants. "Patrick picked them up for me."

"So, you have sex with Pat and he brings you-" Dean stops to read the two bottles, "Vicodin and Percocet."

"Your point?" Cas says pulling his pants on.

Dean grips the bottle tight. He can feel the plastic starting to give in his hand. "You know what that looks like, right?"

Cas shrugs and picks his belt up off the floor. "Why are you here? Did Risa and her group get in?"

"Cas. Seriously. You can't fucking whore yourself out for drugs." Dean says trying to keep his voice even. He knows if he starts yelling Cas won't listen to a word he says, "We're supposed to be in charge of these people. They're your _charges_ just as much as they're mine."

"I'm not in charge here, you are." Cas says as he steps over to Dean. He plucks the bottle out of Dean's hand and sets it down on the table.

Dean would really like to yell right about now but he doesn't. He clenches his fists tight, "We _both_ signed up for this."

"Right, Provisional Government of Illinois." Cas says sarcastically. He shakes his head and laughs _. I'm not the one that makes the decisions Dean. I can't._ Cas thinks, _You know I can't. It's you. It's always been you._ He sidesteps around Dean and grabs his jacket off the coat stand in the corner. "No Fearless Leader, you're the one in charge here. You're the one they're afraid of."

"They are _not_ afraid of me." Dean grits his teeth as he says it. _They are, aren't they?_ Dean thinks disgusted, _You swoop in and kill a bunch of guys but it's me they're afraid of._

"If they aren't afraid of you," Cas starts to ask but pauses to get his jacket on, "...then why does everyone take off when you come into my cabin?"

"Because they _know_ they're doing something _wrong_ and they've been caught." Dean snaps. _How the hell did you end up like this?_ Dean wonders, _How did I screw you up this badly?_ "Doesn't it at least _bother_ you?"

Cas shrugs.

The nonchalance in Cas's shrug makes Dean's blood boil. Dean slams his hand down on the table. "For _fuck's sake._ **Cas** , don't you get how **_wrong_** this is?"

Cas scoffs, " _We_ are what's left of civilized society in this state and we shoot croats and loot decayed strip malls for a living. What's wrong with sex and drugs?"

Dean watches Cas head out the door looking chipper and well rested, as if none of it happened. The screen door slaps shut behind him. Dean snatches up the two bottles off the table and throws them across the room. They burst open and scatter everywhere. He breathes out harshly. He looks around the empty room. He puts a hand to his head, "What am I gonna do with you Cas?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a lengthy explanation for the "Provisional Government of Illinois" line but I'm tired and it's long and I think I like leaving it a mystery for now.


	29. Empty Fields

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You're staying right?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is related to the chapter [Hellishly intense introspection nightmares](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3754431)
> 
> For those interested I generally post progress on this fanfic here: [Brains for Baby Jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/), as well as what sort of research is going on in relation to this (though be warned there is also a lot of nonsense that goes on there too).

"Okay. I'll check in tomorrow. Phone me if you hear anything." Deans says before hanging up. He leans back into the driver's seat. _Sam, where are you?_ Dean thinks as if trying to project his thoughts at his brother, _Who knows, maybe he **can** hear me? He had all those other powers. Sam, stay safe. Dean out._ Shifting from the passenger seat makes him look over. Cas is still here. It kind of surprises Dean, "Bobby hasn't heard anything about Sam. He hasn't figured anything out about the angels either."

"I don't think he will." Castiel says. It's not said in pessimism it's said as a simple fact. If an angel can't locate the other angels a hunter isn't going to be able to do it. _Will they come back when this is all over?_ Castiel wonders while he stares ahead, _If we finish off Lucifer will they come home?_

"I dunno, Bobby's pretty resourceful." Dean says trying to cheer Cas up. His optimism is met with a plaintive look. Dean reaches out and squeezes Cas's shoulder, "We'll figure something out."

Castiel continues to stare at Dean. _When he says it, I think we will._ Castiel notices, _Maybe he's right. Humans have surprised me before. These ones in particular do astonishing things._ He turns back to look straight ahead. "Are you going to sleep tonight?"

Dean casts a look around. He had pulled off onto a farmer's laneway between empty fields. It's open and visible from the road and he'd never want to sleep here in a million years– except Cas is here. _Well you got to trust someone other than Sam and Bobby eventually._ Dean tells himself, _That other Cas stayed through everything, my– this Cas can probably manage four hours in a car._ Dean takes his jacket off and bunches it up under his head. He looks back up at Cas, "You're staying right?"

"Yes. I'll stay." Castiel says and Dean visibly relaxes. He watches Dean as he wriggles and tosses to find a comfortable sleeping position. When Dean ceases moving he turns his vessel's eyes to the empty fields around them. He thinks over what Dean said to him before going to sleep and comes to one conclusion, _Where else would I go?_ He has lived for many millions of years and yet when the other angels went away.... _What do I have left?_

An hour passes and Dean shifts in his sleep drawing Castiel's attention.

Dean moves again, "Cas?"

"Yes Dean?" Castiel asks. Dean mumbles something in response, his eyes are still closed. Castiel realizes he's still asleep. Dean says his name again. Castiel watches and notes that Dean is breathing faster, his eyes are flickering rapidly beneath his eyelids, and after listening carefully he determines that his heart rate is above average.

Dean says his name again but this time there's fear. Castiel leans over and reaches a hand out. Dean has told him not to enter his dreams but clearly this concerns him. He presses his fingers to Dean's forehead and— nothing happens. Castiel tries again, this time focusing harder. He can sense Dean's over all mental state but he can't enter his mind.

Castiel sits back in the passenger seat. His grace feels cold and lonely. He's been losing abilities since he rebelled against Heaven but each time he loses one or it becomes diminished it feels as if someone has torn his grace to pieces right in front of him. Dean says his name again, panic and fear tainting it. Castiel sits in the passenger seat and does nothing but watch the empty fields, _Because that's all I can do. Nothing._


	30. Thirty Feet Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's tried to offer to do it on his own but Dean wants to work together and every time he moves closer to help Dean yells. He isn't sure what it is he's doing wrong. The project occasionally requires close physical proximity and Dean must know this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is related to the chapter [Hellishly intense introspection nightmares](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3754431)
> 
> For those interested I generally post progress on this fanfic here: [Brains for Baby Jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/), as well as what sort of research is going on in relation to this (though be warned there is also a lot of nonsense that goes on there too).

"What part of personal space don't you understand!?" Dean yells for the umpteenth time. "Back the fuck off!"

Castiel flies thirty feet away.

Dean's whole head rolls with how hard he rolls his eyes. He marches over to Cas, "Real funny. How am I supposed to put this fence up with you **_way_** _the freakin' hell_ **_over here?_** _"_

 _I moved too far away?_ Castiel's brows furrow in confusion. He's tried to offer to do it on his own but Dean wants to work together and every time he moves closer to help Dean yells. He isn't sure what it is he's doing wrong. The project occasionally requires close physical proximity and Dean must know this.

"Oh great." Dean swipes his hand over his face in exasperation. "You're just a regular Regan MacNeil. Come on, we've got work to do."

Castiel follows stepping gingerly alongside Dean careful to keep several arm's lengths between them. He isn't sure if it's too much or not enough space.

Dean starts rolling out the chain link fence again. He's acutely aware of where Cas is as every second goes by. Every time he gets a little closer to Cas his heart goes off like a jackrabbit. He forces himself to ignore it. He works the side bar through the wire of the fence and passes it over to Cas to hold up while he attaches it to the post. He starts at the bottom and work his way up. His stupid heart beat isn't so bad until he gets a quarter of the way up the post and the bracket won't quite line up. He leans around to– something drags across the back of his neck. _It's his tie. Fuck. It's Cas's tie._ A little thrill goes through him. He crushes it before it makes him do something in embarrassing. He glares at Cas. He knows that Cas isn't doing it on purpose. Cas hasn't moved a muscle since he put the fence piece up. Rationally he knows that, but it doesn't stop him, "Jesus fucking christ! What did I jus—"

Castiel flies twenty nine feet away since Dean seemed to think thirty was too much. Dean starts yelling at him again. He stays silent. _I don't know what I'm doing wrong!_ He stands there thoroughly frustrated and watches as Dean flails about moving the piece of chain link fence off him. Castiel would like to offer help but then he'd be in Dean's personal space and Dean is finding that particularly unacceptable today.

"What the damn hell is he going on about?" Bobby asks coming up beside Cas.

Castiel looks at Bobby forlornly. He wished he knew. "I don't know. He requested my help putting up the fence then accuses me of _invading his personal space_. But..."

Bobby glances up at Cas waiting to see where he's going with that but.

"But I don't think **I am**." Castiel finishes. _If anything, Dean has been invading mine._ Castiel thinks and it only makes it more confusing. _Am I responsible for also monitoring when other people invade personal space?_ "I don't understand Bobby."

Bobby shakes his head, "Nothing to understand Cas, he's an idjit. And idjits like him don't have to make sense."

Castiel's shoulders slump. He suspects this is one of those topics that humans take for granted and simply assume he'll catch on. _I never catch on._

Dean finally gets himself untangled from the chain link fence. He stomps over to Bobby and Cas. Bobby is giving him the stink eye and Cas is staring at him confused. He glares at Bobby but turns to yell at Cas, "What the hell was that!? You just dumped that on my head!"

"You were going to request I respect your personal space. So I moved away." Castiel explains.

"So you moved away." Dean repeats seething, "You flew your self way the hell over here again–"

"I didn't fly here last time." Castiel corrects.

"What?" Dean asks.

"I flew there." Castiel points behind himself. "You seemed to think it was too far. That was thirty feet away. This is twenty-nine feet away."

Dean stares in disbelief. "So you were...what? Just going to keep flying away one foot less each time until...?"

"Until I am the correct distance away." Castiel finishes for him and from the look on Dean's face he knows he said something wrong. _I don't understand Dean. What am I doing wrong?_

Dean throws his head back infuriated with himself. _Why!? Why am I getting all hung up on **him!?**_ He lets out a guttural cry. "Freakin' dick _angels!"_

"Hey!" Bobby whacks Dean on the knee. "He's doing more work around here than you are."

"That's because he doesn't sleep." Dean retorts. He goes to stomp away but as he does he brushes past Cas. Cas's trench coat catches on one of the buttons of his jacket. He doesn't notice so he keeps going until he gets jerked backwards. He trips and of course Cas is right there to catch him. But Cas didn't just catch him, no, Cas catches him and holds him in a freakin' dip. _You have **got** to be kidding me! _ Dean thinks as his heart starts acting stupid again, _I can't deal with this today!_ An enraged growl escapes his throat, "Cas! Perso—"

Castiel flies away twenty-eight feet. He watches Dean fall to the ground seconds later. _Why won't you just tell me what I'm doing wrong!?_ He'll just stay where he is until Dean leaves. Maybe Bobby can explain what he's doing wrong.

Dean falls to the ground and he just _knows_ if he looks up he's going to find Cas twenty-eight feet away.

Bobby chuckles at him, "Idjit."


	31. My Brother the Devil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You trying to give Jane a run for her money?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is related to the chapter [Hellishly intense introspection nightmares](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3754431)
> 
> For those interested I generally post progress on this fanfic here: [Brains for Baby Jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/), as well as what sort of research is going on in relation to this (though be warned there is also a lot of nonsense that goes on there too).

Dean finally finds that stupid fucking angel slipping out of one of the bunkhouses and looking like he's going to head over to the next one. "You trying to give Jane a run for her money?"

"If you haven't noticed Dean, those I'm faithful to tend to die." Cas snaps and silently adds, _Or they don't stay._ He keeps moving. He can't be bothered with Dean's hypocrisy today.

"So you're just going to fuck anything that moves instead." Dean says catching up to him. _He finally figures out what a one night stand is and he screws that up too._

"Pretty much." Cas says trying to ignore him.

"That's great Cas." Dean says sarcastically.

Cas stops and glares at him, "What _else_ am I supposed to do?"

"I don't know?" Dean says scowling, "Have you tried _not_ slutting it up?"

It surprises Cas that Dean even cares. Dean, who sleeps with any woman that will have him for as long as Cas has known him. He contemplates what will make him feel better, yelling at Dean or giving up the argument and continuing with his plans for the afternoon. He sighs, "...Dean I can't do it again. I can't...I can't get attached to these people. It hurts too much when they die."

"Newsflash Cas, it's called being human. People die." Dean snaps. He's had enough of Cas trying to weasel out of everything because he doesn't get being human. "Figured you'd have noticed that by now, what with your fuck buddies and all."

 _What is **wrong** with you today?_ Cas wonders, _Why would you say that?_ The pain that he thought he was getting over springs back to life. He looks at Dean sadly, "Yes Dean people die. I am aware of that."

Dean rolls his eyes at the sad fuck look Cas is trying to give him, "Oh great, _another_ pity party?"

"Dean, I **watched** one of them being _torn apart_ and I found the others after they were _torn to pieces_." Cas says shoving him out of his way. He starts towards the other bunkhouse. _I don't care what happened to you today._ Cas thinks, _I don't care. Nothing gives you the right to say that. You're...such an **asshole**._

For the first time since he started talking Dean realizes what's coming out of his mouth. _Fucking poison._ Dean thinks, _Fuck. What am I doing?_ At least he doesn't open his mouth and tell Cas first hand what it's like to be torn to pieces while still alive. At least he doesn't go _that_ far. No, instead he just takes another stab at Cas, "Oh, boo freakin' hoo. My fuck buddies died. Yeah, well my brother is the freakin' Devil Cas and we're planning on _shooting_ him. You think you're the only one with problems?"

A shocked huff escapes Cas. He has half a mind to give Dean a good jab in the stomach. He stares at Dean waiting to see if he realizes what he just said.

Dean glares back and says nothing. At least he's gotten control of mouth.

Cas can't believe that Dean of all people doesn't understand what he's just said. He yanks the door open to the bunkhouse. He doesn't care who's inside as long as they'll have him. He stops just before he goes in and looks back at Dean, "And who, exactly, do you think Lucifer is to me?"


	32. Stay with me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh yeah, that's even better, stare at me while I make an idiot out of myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Foghat
> 
> This is related to the chapter [Hellishly intense introspection nightmares](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3754431)
> 
> For those interested I generally post progress on this fanfic here: [Brains for Baby Jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/), as well as what sort of research is going on in relation to this (though be warned there is also a lot of nonsense that goes on there too).

"...you really don't care?" Dean asks again. He keeps expecting to find a couple of girls already in Cas's bed when he crawls in to sleep like this but he hasn't yet. _Warning Cas ahead of time was probably a good idea._ He doesn't know what he'd do if he walked in on that. _Probably turn tail and run_.

"No." Cas curls into him. Dean brings his arm over his shoulder and pulls him closer to his chest. Cas breathes in deeply. Dean has a very unique smell that's made up of guns, leather, sweat, and dirt. _Well...we all smell like that these days._ Cas admits, _But it smells better on Dean_. "As I said before, whenever you want."

"Okay." Dean says distracted. The thought about finding random people from camp in Cas's bed has nearly shattered the small amount of confidence he's been trying to drum up all week. He's come here almost every night this week with the intention of asking Cas the big question and every night he's chickened out. He sucks in a deep breath. He's totally going to do it this time. ....any second now..... _Fuck_. He lets the breath out. He feels Cas start to loosen and relax in his arms. "Cas? You still awake?"

"Possibly." Cas says smiling against Dean's chest. He yawns, drooling a little on Dean. He wipes it away. He cranes his head back to look up at Dean. He grins. "I could be persuaded to wake up given the right motivation."

"Ah, no, that's...no." Dean looks down at Cas. Cas is looking back at him with eyes that are surprised and a little hurt. _Great, now I **have** to ask him or he's going to get some kind of angel-sex complex. _ Dean took in another deep breath, not as if the last one helped any but it couldn't hurt, "I was thinking...what if I- ah...brought my clothes here?"

"Alright." Cas says resting his chin on Dean's chest and looks up at him. One hand crawls up to flick Dean's nipple. "If you want."

 _Oh yeah, that's even better, **stare** at me while I make an idiot out of myself. _ Dean runs a hand over his face a few times. He grabs Cas's hand because he can't have this conversation while Cas is screwing around with his nipples. He looks down at Cas trying to put on a serious face instead of the scared shitless face, "....you know what I mean?"

Cas rolls his eyes. He's not exactly new to sex these days but he answers anyway, "No more walk of shame."

Dean isn't sure if it's better or worse that Cas doesn't get what he's asking. He can still back out but Cas keeps staring at him. He plows on, "Umm....not really...Cas, I mean _keep_ them here....with _your_ stuff and you know, it- it could be...it could be _our_ stuff."

"What? **_Here?_** _"_ Cas sits up trying to get a better look at Dean. _Clearly I misheard that._ Cas thinks while watching Dean for signs of humour, _Clearly it's a joke and I'm just too much of an angel to clue in to what the joke is._ His eyes widen a little because Dean still isn't laughing, "...with me?"

"You don't- I mean- it was dumb." Dean says pressing his hands over his eyes. _Why the fuck did I think he'd want that?_ Dean argues with himself, _He's never let anyone stay with him. He doesn't want that. He's an angel. He likes being on his own._

Cas watches Dean try to cover up the disappointment he's feeling. Cas can feel his insides clenching tight in sympathetic pain just watching Dean. _Dean thinks I don't want him here. Why does he think I don't want him?_ Cas wonders as he tries to put this conversation into the context of the past few weeks, _Why is he...he thinks—_ "I won't see anyone else."

Dean lifts one of his hands from his eyes. He looks at Cas and doesn't know what to say. It's not a yes or a no it's... _what the hell is it?_ "Huh?"

"If you stay. It'll just be you." Cas says because he's fairly certain now that's why Dean has been acting strangely the last few days _. Dean thinks he's going to be replaced by someone else in camp._ Cas realizes, _Dean thinks I'm going to say no because of someone else._ In all honesty it's been just Dean since Dean had engraved himself on his grace but Dean didn't need to know that. "Stay. It'll just be you."

Dean goes quiet. He hadn't expected Cas to even _suggest_ he might give up sex with- well most of the goddamned camp. "Uh..."

"You don't have to stop seeing others if you don't want to." Cas offers. He doesn't care what the particulars are if it means Dean will sleep here every night– _most nights_.

Dean's lip curls up in disgust. He sits up. " _No_. If I bring my stuff here. It's us, and just us. And that's that. Don't take any bullshit from me."

Cas quirks a smile at him, "As long as you don't take any of mine."

"I think I can manage that." Dean says laughing a little to cover up the way he feels elated and scared shitless all at once.

"...you sure?" Cas asks trying to hide the fear in his voice. He doesn't know if he can take Dean moving out once he's moved in. _Be sure Dean,_ Cas pleads internally, _Be sure now. Don't hurt us later. Be sure._ He hopes Dean can't see the fear in his eyes.

"Yeah. I am." Dean says pulling Cas in close. He drags him back down to the bed with his arms around him. _Well that was easier than I thought it was going to be._ Dean thinks as he rubs his hand over Cas's arm, _What the hell am I thinking? It's Cas. It was always going to be easy. He'd either laugh and say no or...do this._ He gives Cas a squeeze then runs his hand up to his hair, "But only if you comb your goddamned hair once in awhile."

Cas laughs, "Be prepared to be disappointed."

Dean laughs, genuinely this time. He presses a few kiss into the rat's nest Cas keeps on his head. _That brick building full of croats can go fuck itself. They're not getting Cas._


	33. I think I like It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You can sleep here whenever you'd like."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boston
> 
> This is related to the chapter [Hellishly intense introspection nightmares](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3754431)
> 
> For those interested I generally post progress on this fanfic here: [Brains for Baby Jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/), as well as what sort of research is going on in relation to this (though be warned there is also a lot of nonsense that goes on there too).

"Dean."

There's no response.

Cas takes his jacket off and looks around his cabin. He could have sworn he saw Dean go in ahead of him, "Dean?"

Still no response.

There's a snuffling noise from his bed. Cas looks over. He has a lot of pillows but the bed looks extra lumpy. He steps closer and watches carefully. Either a very large animal is hiding in his bed or Dean has crawled in and gone to sleep.

Cas stares for a moment before he strips down and crawls in with him. The bed is deliciously warm and the best part, it smells like Dean. He slides in close against Dean's back and wraps around him. He brings his legs up under Dean's and hooks their feet together. He presses his face into the warm skin at the base of Dean's neck and breathes in. He isn't sure what it is they've been doing lately but he'll take it for as long as Dean wants to give.

Dean goes on sleeping.

\---

Dean wakes up with the sunrise. He had only meant to nap for _maybe_ twenty minutes, then he fully expected Cas to wake him up to fuck. He just really needed to have that nap first. Everyone has been picking his brain apart these last few days. He just needed to escape before he died of exhaustion. His own cabin isn't a refuge, people know to look for him there but if he's in Cas's cabin they all think he's fucking and just leave him alone. _Funny that they'll happily interrupt my four hours but fucking? Oh no, can't interrupt that._ He goes to roll over but realizes he can't. Cas is spooned up behind him and has him pulled tight against his chest. This is the first time he's slept here without sex getting him into this bed. _Does that mean something? If we're literally just sleeping together now?_ He runs a hand over Cas's arm. _What does it mean to you?_ He feels Cas move behind him and press his lips to the back of his neck before rubbing his nose against it.

"Good morning Dean." Cas says as he adjusts his arm under Dean. He's still getting used to the sensation of a limb falling asleep. He shifts his other hand up to rest over Dean's heart. It stutters for a moment before resuming a steady beat. It's soothing in a way that surprises him.

"Monrin' Cas." Dean replies turning his head a little, he ends up with Cas's nose in his ear. He waves a hand at the bed, "Ahh...yeah, kind of pulled a goldilocks on you here but I just needed somewhere to hide out to get a couple of hours in. Hope you don't mind?"

"It's entirely acceptable." Cas says pressing his face against Dean's shoulder. He tightens himself around Dean for a moment in a full body embrace then lets everything relax.

"Ah...okay...good." Dean says. He isn't sure what else to say. Normally if he's here, they've been fucking. They'd make a few comments about it to each other then start talking about what needed to get done but there wasn't any screwing around last night. He isn't sure what to do now. _Do I just start talking about jobs around camp? Do I bring up the last time I was here screwing around?_ Dean wonders, none of it seems to fit _, And since when is Cas all hugs and cuddles in the morning? Is this what he's like with everyone else? Is that why they all like him?...it's...kind of nice....._

"You can sleep here whenever you'd like." Cas runs his hand along Dean's side as he says it. Dean's hands are rough but the skin that's hidden under all his layers of army surplus and leather is surprisingly soft.

"Thanks? I mean..." Dean trails off when he spots a bra on the floor and a pair of boxers beside it that he knows can't be Cas's. _Yeah, it's kind of nice, and everyone knows it._ Dean thinks sourly. It shouldn't bother him as much as it does. He knows exactly what Cas gets up to. _It's just...it's been different lately. Hasn't it?_ Granted he hasn't given up one night stands either, "What about everyone else?"

"What about them?" Cas yawns.

"Well...if they're already here...." Dean says. He can imagine how awkward that would be, to walk in looking for- this- and find Cas.... _Or worse. Already being here and having Cas bring someone else..._ Dean frowns, _Why is this bugging me so much today?_

Cas shifts trying to get comfortable again. "Ask them to leave if you don't want to sleep with them here."

Dean rolls his eyes, "Right."

Cas lifts his head. There was something sharp and bitter in Dean's voice just then, "What?"

"Nothing." Dean says as he shifts away. _Why am I being such a chick about this?_ Dean thinks and then laughs in his head, _Even the chicks at camp don't care who Cas fucks around with._

Cas squints at the back of Dean's head. _What did I say?_ He tries to figure it out but he's at a loss unless Dean tells him. He rolls away to the other side of the bed.

Dean flips onto his back not sure what to say. _Well I fucked that up._ Dean thinks staring up at Cas's ceiling.

Cas sighs. He isn't sure what he did wrong but he can tell Dean's had enough of being gentle. He reaches over to the night stand and picks up the book he's been reading. _I thought things were changing. It's been different between us these past few days. Hasn't it?_ Cas thinks as he flips to his spot in the book, _If you've had enough, why are you still here?_

Dean looks over when he hears pages ruffling, "What're you reading?"

"Through the Looking-Glass." Cas says not looking up from the book.

"Oh...what's it about?" Dean asks trying to figure out how to rewind the last few minutes and do them over.

Cas pauses. He looks over at Dean. His eyebrows furrow and his head tilts off to one side. _You want to stay now?_ Cas thinks confused. _Seconds ago you acted ready to deny having ever been here._ He glances at his book then to Dean, "I can....read it aloud....if you'd like?"

"Ummm....okay?" Dean says quietly.

Cas flips back to the first page. "One thing was certain..."


	34. Every Little Bit Hurts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I. Can't. Keep. Doing. This.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Small Faces version.
> 
> This is related to the chapter [Hellishly intense introspection nightmares](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3754431)
> 
> For those interested I generally post progress on this fanfic here: [Brains for Baby Jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/), as well as what sort of research is going on in relation to this (though be warned there is also a lot of nonsense that goes on there too).

Dean has been following him through camp nattering on about something and despite the daggers Cas is looking at him, he doesn't seem to _get it_. Cas doesn't want him following around him. He wants Dean to just go away, to just leave him alone. He might be able to handle Dean being friendly towards him if he would just _stop_ doing this. Stop casually touching him like he has any right to. _Like **that**._ Cas thinks as Dean gently touches his elbow for a moment then lets his hand trail down to touch the handle of his blade, _Why do you keep **doing** that? You know exactly what it does to me. _ Cas stops abruptly and turns to glare at Dean, "What are you doing?"

"What?" Dean flinches at the look Cas gives him. _Oh god that hurts._ Dean thinks. He wants to take it all back so badly when Cas looks at him like this.

"This." Cas motions at the space between them. "What are you doing?"

Dean shrugs. _Fuck, what **am** I doing?_ Dean thinks, _Why did I do this?_ He shrugs again. He can't look away from Cas.

Cas shakes his head and lets out a disgusted huff.

Dean's eyebrows come together in concern. He tries to peel his eyes away from Cas. He can't. He gets suckered in to staring and Cas just keeps looking at him like he hates him. _Oh god that hurts._

"You are such a stupid fucking **_idiot_**. This!" Cas gestures at the mere inches between them when Dean doesn't figure out what he's talking about, "What do you **_want_** from me!? You can't keep acting like you never left one moment and then act like I'm...some black-eyed bitch the next! Either stay or go!"

"Cas..." Dean can feel his stupid lip quivering. He bites it to make it stop. _I'm just worried._ Dean thinks, _I'm not treating you like a demon, I'm just worried._ He's been watching Cas the last few days and if he's not high on Valium, he's moody and liable to bite anyone's head off.

"Stop acting like that!" Cas shouts at him. _That fucking idiot and his fucking lips._ Cas loathes them. He really does. _Everything about them_.

Dean leans away because Cas looks like he wants to punch him in the nose. _I'd deserve it too. Fuck, why did I do this to us?_ Dean thinks. He steels himself with distant memories of a brick building and gunfire. _Jackson County. It's not going to happen this time._ He's going to do the right thing here, "I'm not acting like anything Cas. Maybe if you weren't so fucking high on Valium all the time you'd see that."

"Yes. You are." Cas says sternly. He lets the Valium comment slide because that had been his plan for the afternoon. Dean's fast ruining that plan. He clenches his fists and starts rattling off the all the little things that have been cutting him like so many razors, "You're still checking in on me, you're still bringing me lunch and dinner, you're following me around, you're still sitting next to me at meetings, you— **_personal space!_** _"_

Dean yanks his hand back. He had reached out to try and calm Cas down _. Oh fuck, he's right._ Dean thinks and it makes him want to punch himself square in the face, _He's right. He's trying to get over this and I'm– I'm a fucking idiot. Why did I do this? I knew what was going to happen. Why did I do this?_

Cas glares at him. _See? Like that._ Cas thinks, _You keep doing **that**. _ He jams a finger into Dean's chest, "So tell me Dean. Tell me _right **now**_. What do you want from me, Dean? Because. I. Can't. Keep. Doing. This."

Every word is interjected with a jab at his chest and each time it feels like a knife going through him. Dean know there's only one way he can answer that. The words that almost sent Cas away once before. The words are right there. Dean can taste them. "I don't want a damn thing from you."

"Right." Cas laughs darkly _. Of course you'd say that._ Cas thinks as another cold laugh comes out of him, _Of fucking course._ He shakes his head at how stupid he's been. _How did I ever let myself think it was otherwise?_ He starts walking away, calling over his shoulder, "Because who would want the broken angel, right? Who wants the walking weapon if it can't fly?"

 _Fuck, fuck, fuck. I can't let him think that._ Dean thinks chasing after him, _Saving him from death by croat doesn't mean a damn thing if he thinks that._ He reaches out to grab Cas's arm but at the last second realizes what he's doing and instead comes up alongside him, "Cas. It's not like that."

"Isn't it?" Cas whirls around on him. He isn't that stupid. He was there. He remembers everyone single word Dean said that day and each word still drive into him like an angel blade. "It's why you left."

 _It's not! I swear Cas, it's not!_ Dean grinds his teeth in an effort to not correct Cas _. Oh fuck Cas, what do I tell you to make this stop hurting and still keep you safe?_

"I stopped being useful and you left." Cas says since Dean's apparently lost the balls to say it.

Dean stares. His heart is breaking all over again watching Cas. He hopes his face is blank.

Cas looks at the indifference on Dean's face and nearly growls. "Was I _ever_ more than a tool and a convenient fuck?"

Dean opens his mouth but quickly slams it shut so hard his teeth click. He can't say anything because anything he says will be dangerous.

Cas had thought he was done being hurt by Dean but apparently he was wrong because Dean doesn't correct him and there's suddenly a new and deeper wound settling into his chest. He starts to walk away. He can't be in the presence of Dean Winchester for one second longer.

"Cas." Dean starts after him. _I can't let you think that._

"No." Cas doesn't look back. If he does he might fall apart right here and he'd rather do that back in the privacy of his cabin.

Dean is desperate to get Cas to stop and listen, to get him to believe he was more than a tool, so he does something stupid. He grabs Cas's arm in one hand and lays the other atop the handle of Cas's blade running his thumb along the letter he cut into it, "Cas..."

Cas fixes Dean with an icy stare. His grace is singing with the joy of being touched by Dean, the man that carved himself into his grace, but the rest of him is boiling in rage. _What gives you the right to touch me there?_ Cas nearly yells it in front of the entire camp, _What gives you the right Dean Winchester?_ Cas knows the look he's giving Dean is one that makes demons cringe but Dean doesn't let him go. He grabs Dean's hand off his blade and throws it away, "Go to Hell Dean."

It's a thousand times worse than any slap in the face Dean can imagine. Dean can _hear_ the capitalization. It cuts deep. He watches stunned as Cas stalks away. He feels like his chest is being crushed by a mack truck. He breathes hard a few times. There's too much heartache, too much anger, too much pain, too much— too much of **_everything_** bubbling out of every inch of his soul. He can't deal with this. He doesn't want to deal with this. He shouldn't have to deal with this. _Why did I do this to us?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If it hasn't come up already and if it's not apparent here, an angel's blade is a part of their grace in my fic.


	35. If I could come in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He has never seen Dean laid bare like that before and that- human had no right to do it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is related to the chapter [Hellishly intense introspection nightmares](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3754431)
> 
> For those interested I generally post progress on this fanfic here: [Brains for Baby Jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/), as well as what sort of research is going on in relation to this (though be warned there is also a lot of nonsense that goes on there too).

Castiel sits in the impala with Dean pressed against his vessel's chest. The shaking has stopped but if Castiel takes his hand away from the back of Dean's head it starts once again. He wishes he had some of his abilities back. _If I could come in I would. I don't think you wish to be alone at the moment._ Castiel thinks, he eases his hand back experimentally but Dean starts shaking again, _No, I don't think you want to be alone at all_. Castiel presses his hand against the back of Dean's head and the shaking stops.

"I'm sorry." Dean mumbles in his tormented sleep. "I knew. I'm sorry– I knew."

Castiel would like to know what it is that Dean thinks he knew. He wonders if it was something the hunter told him. _Obviously he didn't know because he would not have reacted so strongly._ Castiel reasons, _Dean would not be in this much turmoil about information he already knew_. There are only a few things Castiel can think of that would upset Dean this greatly. None of them are good.

When Castiel can take his hand away from Dean without Dean shaking he gently shifts him across the seat. Castiel puts his hand to Dean's face and checks to see what state of mind Dean is in. He doesn't like what he feels but it's not the soul deep pain Castiel felt before, it's more of a dull ache. This he can fix. He focuses his grace and sends Dean a persuasive pulse of calm. It should let him sleep soundly.

He makes sure the doors are locked and that Dean's phone is laid out in case of an emergency before he leaves to find the hunter Gu. Castiel doesn't know what he will do with the man when he finds him. Gu has caused Dean so much pain. Even if it was unintentional Castiel can not find it in himself to forgive Gu. He has never seen Dean laid bare like that before and that– **_human_** had no right to do it.

He'll only be gone for a few minutes. _Dean won't even notice I left._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is followed by [Sometimes prayers are answered](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1563353/chapters/3392492)


	36. Vorpal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean glances away for what he swears is a second- maybe two at the most- and when he looks back Cas is wiping the handgun down and putting it back into its holster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***There be Smut***
> 
> This is my sadness reprieve.
> 
> This is related to the chapter [Hellishly intense introspection nightmares](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3754431)
> 
> For those interested I generally post progress on this fanfic here: [Brains for Baby Jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/), as well as what sort of research is going on in relation to this (though be warned there is also a lot of nonsense that goes on there too).

It still feels weird walking in to Cas's cabin because it's not Cas's cabin anymore; it's theirs. Dean hangs his coat up on _their_ coat rack and goes to sit down in one of _their_ chairs at the _their_ table they use as a desk. "Did you make me dinner, sweetheart?"

"Of course honey, your favourite: bullets and guns." Cas says not looking up from the rifle he's finishing up reassembling. "And for dessert, staring at maps until it gets dark."

Dean laughs. He throws his feet up on the table. He watches Cas set the rifle down with the line of others he's got leaning against the wall. He waves a hand at the row of guns, "How long you been at this?"

"Not long." Cas says as goes over to the bed and slides his arm through the straps of an assortment of thigh, hip, and shoulder holsters. He brings the mess over and loops it around the chair beside him. He sits down and gets his tools organized before he starts, "How'd it go with the new recruits?"

Dean shrugs and makes a noise of dismissal, "Most couldn't shoot if their lives depended on it- and it does- but a couple of them look like they know something."

"So the usual." Cas says as he reaches over and grabs the first holster he touches. He takes the handgun out.

"Yeah. Though this one chick...Ryan or something?" Dean says.

"Risa?" Cas suggests.

"Sure. Sounds better than Ryan." Dean says half watching Cas run his hands along the table as if field stripping is a holy ritual. "Anyway, I want you to show her how to handle a knife. I think she might be good at it."

Cas nods absently as he sets to work. "Alright."

Dean glances away for what he swears is a second- maybe two at the most- and when he looks back Cas has the handgun in pieces. "Holy shit. How fast can you do that?"

Cas considers for a minute. "I don't know. I've never timed myself."

Dean pulls his own gun out and sets it down on the table. He slides his sleeve back to show his watch.

Cas picks up Dean's gun and gets to work. He field strips then reassembles it offering it back to Dean a few moments later. "So how long did it take?"

Dean takes his gun back. He sets it on the table. He looks at his watch and realizes he never looked to see when Cas started. "Uhhh....who cares? It was damn hot."

Cas chuckles.

The deep laugh sends a shiver up Dean's spine. Dean pushes his chair out from the table. He spreads his legs a little and slaps his thigh. He motions for Cas to come over.

Cas gets up and straddles Dean's legs. He loops his arms around Dean's neck. He gives Dean a coquettish smile, "So it turns you on? Watching me handle your gun?"

Dean thrusts his hips up in answer. "What do you think?"

Cas grins and rocks his hips down. He leans in to kiss him. They've been fucking long before now but this, getting to casually make-out with Dean whenever he fells like, still fills him up with those proverbial butterflies.

Dean runs his hands over Cas's legs. His left hand running over Cas's blade, held snug by the thigh strap. He slides his fingers along the straps for a moment before running them back over the blade. He lets his fingers wander along the handle- getting satisfying little gasps out of Cas- and wonders if Cas can actually feel it or if he just likes to watch Dean touch his blade. _There's a joke in there somewhere._ Dean thinks amused.

Cas shivers as what's left of his grace reacts to the bond forged in Hell and Hell on Earth. It's just a subtle chill up his spine. He runs his hands up Dean's neck to his head. His fingers clutch at his hair but it's too short to get a handful. _If' you'd just leave it alone for a **little** bit longer. _ Cas thinks while imagining all the different ways he could be sinking his hands into Dean's hair. _Just a little bit. It doesn't need to be a mess like mine_.

Dean runs his hands up Cas's legs until he reaches his hips then slides them forward. He gives Cas a few teasing strokes through his jeans before he starts to unbuckle Cas's belt. He pops the button on his jeans and works the zipper down. He reaches in. Cas is already half way hard. Cas lets go of his neck and starts to go to work on Dean's pants but he stops him, "No. I want to watch you."

Cas gives him a sly flirting smile before he loops his arms back around Dean's neck and leans back. He rocks his hips forward slowly as Dean's hand slides over his cock. His eyes sink closed as he enjoys the easy pace.

Dean spreads his legs a little more, dropping Cas down a bit to better lean in and tease him. While Cas is distracted by gentle nips and sucking at his throat Dean plans on testing out a theory. He slides his free hand up Cas's leg until it meets Cas's blade. Dean drags his fingers over it for a moment before he yanks the blade out of the thigh holster and works blade and hand under Cas's shirt. He presses the blade flat against the skin of Cas's back. It earns him a broken gasp.

" _Fu-ck_." Cas gasps out. His back arches back against the blade. "Harder."

Dean smiles deviously against his neck. _So either he's got a weird thing for daggers or he can feel it._ Dean thinks smugly. He sucks at Cas's neck before pulling up, letting his lips smack as he does, "Which one?"

" _Both_." Cas says. He's not sure if he wants to lean into the blade or buck his hips forward into Dean's hand. The feel of the one tangible piece of his grace pressing hard against him and Dean's hand around him is— Dean presses harder on the blade and squeezes his dick a little tighter. **_Fuck!_** _We have **got** to do this again_. Cas manages to think. He doesn't have to choose one or the other now. Dean's pressing him forward into his hand with the flat of his blade. "Holy fuck."

Dean grins at the words. "Well yeah, you _are_ an angel."

Cas's slides one of his hands down from Dean's neck to his shoulder, _the shoulder_. The hand that made this brand was his true hand. The hand he has now is smaller. He stretches his fingers wide trying to cover the mark before he digs them in.

" ** _Jesus_**. You don't have to prove it." Dean says as his shoulder twitches in pain from Cas driving his fingers in just a little too sharply. "Trust me, I already believe you're an angel."

Cas eases his fingers up a little and lets his head loll back. He sinks into Dean, caught between the twinges of pleasure from his cock and pulses of sumptuous enjoyment from his blade– and Dean has his hands around both.

Dean watches as Cas breathes in deep and lets it out in a long satisfied sigh. His eyes flick down to where a bit of Cas's stomach is showing, he watches the ripple of muscle move as Cas rocks his hips in time to his strokes. He glances back up when Cas lets out another long blissful sigh. There's a hint of a relaxed smile on his face _. Kinda wish I had a third hand._ Dean thinks because he'd like to run his hands up Cas's face while he's smiling like that. "No one looks this good when they're fucking but you."

A laugh erupts from Cas. His eyes snap open and he shifts up to get a better look at Dean, "Lies. I've yet to see anyone not look like an idiot during sex."

That laugh sets off the shivers up his spine again. Dean resolves that there needs to be more of that, "Well clearly you haven't fucked yourself."

Cas shakes his head and laughs. His laugh is cut short when Dean speeds up his hand.

"So, am I double fisting you?" Dean asks sliding his thumb over the head of Cas's dick. It makes Cas's hips lash forward. _Well, you **gotta** like that._ Dean thinks while watching Cas, _Anyone who doesn't think it's hot when you squirm around like that is blind._

It takes Cas a moment to pull his thoughts back together and when he does all he comes out with is, "Hhh– huh?"

"A blade in each hand." Dean presses down harder on the angel blade and gives Cas's dick an affectionate squeeze, all in the strictest interests of a meaningful demonstration of course. He definitely doesn't to do it to watch Cas writhe in his lap.

Cas shakes a little from the effort of trying to keep himself steady and trying to not laugh.

"Angel blade in one hand, human blade in the other." Dean says and even he has to laugh at that one. _Oh man, that is so bad we could make Mac and Cheese._ Dean thinks and laughs again. _Heh, noodles._

"What?" Cas asks when Dean starts to laugh.

"Just thinking about noodles." Dean says waggling Cas's dick as he says it. He grins at the eye roll he gets before warping his hand back around Cas. Dean's mind wanders back to his terrible blade joke, "We should call one Excalibur and the other Andúril."

Cas ignores him in favour of the sparks of pleasure racing through him. He can feel the distant beginnings of an orgasm starting to build.

Dean grins at him when he sees he's being ignored. _You're gonna laugh for me one more time before you come._ Dean decides he slows his hand down a little, "What am I saying? It _has_ to be Johnny Corkscrew and Vorpal."

Cas continues to ignore him.

"Cas."

Cas thrusts his hips forward determined to not acknowledge whatever ridiculous thing Dean is going to say next but Dean is slowing his hand down. It's not fair.

" _Cas_."

"What?" Cas huffs out a little annoyed. He's so close to being so close to coming and Dean wants to tell terrible jokes instead.

Dean tries to look serious. He leans in and lowers his voice to a conspiratory tone, "Will your Vorpal sword go snicker-snack when you come?"

"Would you quit trying to make me laugh?" Cas says shaking a little in silent laughter. Dean isn't as funny as he thinks he is. Cas tries to glare him into moving his hand again but Dean just innocently bats his eyelashes instead. Which actually does make Cas laugh. He leans his head against Dean's shoulder and laughs, "Dean, some days you can be rather...hmmm...avaricious."

 _Okay, maybe once more._ Dean thinks while Cas is laughing against him; that laugh _does_ things to him, _He can totally handle one more._ Dean starts working his hand a little faster, "How'd it go? He took his Vorpal sword _in hand_ , and one two, through and through?"

"Shut up." Cas says fondly. That warm sharp pressure is building in his groin. He hooks his arms around Dean's neck again and rests his forehead on Dean's. The pressure builds. _So close._ Despite that he finds himself saying, "...and you were quoting from two different stanzas."

Dean laughs. He considers trying to egg Cas on but he figures he's given Cas a hard enough time already. _Besides, dude is probably going to bust his load any second now._ Dean thinks since his hand is covered in pre-come. He pumps his hand faster and presses the blade hard against Cas's back, "Gonna come for me?"

" _Fuck_." Cas says as Dean presses his blade hard against him. He throws his head back as the little shock waves of sensual chills rip through him from where his blade touches his skin. His hips snap forward faster, "Always Dean."

"Good." Dean says as he starts running his thumb up and over the head of Cas's dick on every upstroke. He can feel Cas's whole body start to tighten and Cas's steady thrusts are coming shaky and undone. Cas takes in a sharp breath. Dean has half a second to get his hand over the head of Cas's dick if he doesn't want come everywhere. Cas groans. Dean's hand is quickly filled with come. He watches Cas's face through all of it. _Yeah...you're right about everyone looking dumb._ Dean thinks with affection as Cas's face contorts with the intense pleasure, _Still mine though._

Cas sits still for a moment leaning back and breathing hard. _Definitely...going to....have to do that...again._ Cas thinks through a haze of bliss. He leans forward to slump against Dean's chest. _I'm never moving again._

Dean sets Cas's blade down on the table while he lets Cas get his breath back. Slowly Cas rejoins the land of the living and sits up. Dean leans in to kiss him, he grins through the kiss. He can't help himself. He presses his come filled hand to Cas's chest. Cas pulls away and gives him a glare. Dean laughs, "What? I'm just returning your stuff. Pretty sure you told me to put things back where I found them."

Cas glares harder then without warning he lunges forward and wraps his arms around Dean in a crushing embrace. He presses his chest against Dean's until he's sure Dean is going to have just as big a smear of come down the front of him as he has. He hops off Dean's lap and laughs at the look of shocked indignation. "It's okay, I don't mind sharing."

Dean narrows his eyes at Cas for a moment but he can't keep up the angry facade. A devious smile cracks onto his face. He jumps up and goes for Cas, "You are **_so_** going to get it."

Cas darts away when Dean tries to make a grab for him. He puts the table between them and eyes the bulge in Dean's pants. He gives Dean a taunting smirk, "Thought you just wanted to watch?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like to think that when they're not having capital p Problems, capital i Issues, and capitol e Emotions that they actually tend to have rather goofy sex. It's my sadness reprieve. I regret nothing.


	37. What is anyone supposed to do?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is just dismissing his problems _again_ because of what he is. That's the very _source_ of his problems. What he is and what they are. _I'm a freakin' angel, as you so aptly put it._ Cas thinks bitterly, _I've spent millennia not having to worry about what to do next._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is related to the chapter [Hellishly intense introspection nightmares](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3754431)
> 
> For those interested I generally post progress on this fanfic here: [Brains for Baby Jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/), as well as what sort of research is going on in relation to this (though be warned there is also a lot of nonsense that goes on there too).

"James and Bethany are mad at each other."

Dean glances up from the map he's drawing hot zones on. Cas doesn't usually bring up his fuck buddies, at least not while they're planning. "So?"

"What am I supposed to do?" Cas asks. He hates that he never knows what to do. He tries to work things out on his own but so often these basic human things escape him.

Dean looks over at Bobby.

"Oh no, he's _your_ angel." Bobby says throwing his hands up. He grabs the whiskey off the table and rolls out the door with it.

Dean pinches the bridge of his nose and groans. _How am **I** the one that gets stuck giving relationship advice to Cas?_ Dean asks the universe at large. Nothing answers him. He opens his eyes. Cas is still there waiting for an answer.

"Dean?"

"They're your–" Dean shrugs at a loss as to how to describe James and Bethany. "You figure it out."

"I've tried." Cas admits. His attempts haven't gone over well. He doesn't think their argument is his fault exactly but he's beginning to feel that maybe they're actually mad at him for some inexplicable human reason. "I've been...less than effective."

"Try something else." Dean says curtly and he'd like to add, _And quit freakin' asking me stuff about them Cas because I **so** do not want to hear about it._

"I have." Cas replies. _I've tried so many things._ Cas thinks, _I try and I only make it worse. What am I supposed to do?_ That question refuses to be answered and he feels like it's burning him up inside. "I've tried a lot of things. Nothing works."

Dean stares at him. _This is so screwed up._ Dean thinks, _We're...doing whatever it is we do and he's got four other people he's stringing along and he wants **my** goddamned advice about it?_ He wishes Bobby hadn't taken off with the whiskey because there isn't enough left in his glass to have this conversation. "Well you're just gonna to have to figure it out."

"I've _tried_. **Repeatedly**." Cas says annoyed that Dean won't help him, "What am I supposed to do?"

"I don't know!" Dean snaps. He throws the marker he was using down on the table, "Try asking someone else!"

Cas glares at him. _Who? You don't want to tell anyone what I am, so who am I supposed to ask?_ Cas would like yell, _Who's going to understand why I don't know? And just how much I don't know? What am I supposed to do about anything of this?_ He picks up the marker Dean threw and puts the cap on. There's no point in wasting resources out of anger. "Bobby clearly does not want to talk about it."

"And you think I do?" Dean spits out before he can stop himself. "Freakin' _angels_ – Ask someone else!"

"Who Dean? Who should I ask?" Cas says angry that Dean is just dismissing his problems _again_ because of what he is. That's the very _source_ of his problems. What he is and what they are. "Who am I supposed to talk to if not you?"

"Oh, for fuck's..." Dean snags his class of whiskey off the table and drains it.

"What am I supposed to do, Dean?' Cas presses because there isn't anyone else he can ask, whether Dean would like to admit that or not. _I'm a freakin' angel, as you so aptly put it._ Cas thinks bitterly, _I've spent millennia not having to worry about what to do next. Someone was always there to tell me. I don't know how to do this on my own._ He glares at Dean and waits for an answer.

"Fuck! I don't _know_ Cas!" Dean yells and slams his glass down on the table. _I'm shit at this relationship stuff. Except for you all I have are one night stands._ Dean thinks, _And look how well **that's** going._ He squeezes the glass in his hand, "Why do you think I know every damn thing there is to know about being human!?"

Cas stays silent but he would like to retort with _, I don't think you know everything but you know more than I do._ He doesn't though, he knows it would only anger Dean further.

"So what're _you_ supposed to do? _I don't fucking **know!**_ What are _any_ of us supposed to do!?" Dean continues to yell. He shoves back from the table and gets up. "You think I just pull answers out of my ass like magic? I try to figure shit out! And if it doesn't work? Well then it didn't work, and I screwed it up! And I screw up a lot of shit Cas."

Cas wonders if this is one of those moments he's read about where people project their problems onto other people but he isn't about to ask Dean if he's projecting. It strikes even him as a very bad idea at the moment.

Dean searches the HQ for whiskey Bobby might have hidden away. He finds a bottle in with the guns. He sits back down and pours himself a shot. He downs it and pours another and drinks that too before the first shot has even finished burning its way down his throat. He pours himself a third shot and, after a moments thought, reaches over for Bobby's abandoned glass and pours out a triple shot for Cas. He shoves it over to him.

Cas takes the peace offering and sips slowly. They sit in silence for awhile.

"We're going to check out that strip mall, over here." Dean says pointing at the map and breaking the silence, "It's just a routine smash and grab, we can try putting them on the same team. _Make_ them work together."

"Is that wise?" Cas asks, he knows the area. It should be empty for the most part. "Putting them in a situation that's potentially dangerous while they won't talk to each other?"

Dean laughs coldly, "What else are we supposed to do?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is followed by [Make it count](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1563353/chapters/3842560).


	38. The Safest Place Around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Won't be able to do anything as in fly? Or won't be able to do anything as in pass the fuck out?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is related to the chapter [Hellishly intense introspection nightmares](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3754431)
> 
> For those interested I generally post progress on this fanfic here: [Brains for Baby Jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/), as well as what sort of research is going on in relation to this (though be warned there is also a lot of nonsense that goes on there too).

Dean angles his gun out the high window and lets off another spray of bullets into the croats outside. There's too many. They've totally botched this supply run. He glances over at Cas, he's got his hands braced against the door trying to keep the wall of croats outside from getting in. He looks over his shoulder at the bags they've filled. If it were just canned goods he'd say screw it but the bags are full of medical supplies. "Cas, you think we can make one more flight on angel airways today?"

"How far?" Castiel asks. The croats press hard against the door sending him back a step. He heaves himself at the door to keep them out.

"The impala." Dean says. He shoots into the mob of croats again.

"Yes." Castiel says gritting his teeth with the effort of holding the doors closed. "What about the supplies?"

"How much can you take?" Dean asks as he hurries over to the bags. They won't be able to take it all so he had better make sure they take what they need the most.

"Safely, an additional thirty pounds. If you think we need more I can push it to fifty but if we land–" Castiel is cut off from a particularly focused surge of croats. He presses his shoulder to the door. "If we land and find the impala overrun I won't be able to do anything."

"Won't be able to do anything as in fly? Or won't be able to do anything as in pass the fuck out?" Dean asks as he tosses aside crutches and a boot.

"Pass the fuck out." Cas says angrily at his ineffectiveness. He wears down so much faster these days.

Dean nods sharply and fills two bags with their haul from the hospital. _Fuck, all that work for nothing._ Dean thinks while he looks down at what they're leaving behind, _Maybe..._ He looks around the room to see if there's anywhere he can hide what they're going to leave. He drags the rest of the bags over to a the kitchenette and stuffs as much as he can into the cupboards.

"Dean. We need to go." Cas calls out _. I don't know how much longer I can do this._ Cas thinks worried, _I can feel myself tiring out._ It's a new and unpleasant sensation.

Dean grabs the two bags they're taking with them and jogs over to Cas. He claps a hand to Cas's shoulder, "Go!"

Cas lets go of the door and grabs Dean. For a brief second he sees the croats spill into the room then they're fifty feet from the impala. He staggers and nearly falls. Dean catches him and pulls his arm around his shoulders. They hobble to the car. Cas leans against the impala while Dean tosses the bags into the trunk. _Perhaps thirty extra pounds was too much._ He had meant to land inside the impala.

Dean closes the trunk and takes his first real look at Cas. If Cas wasn't clinging to the car for dear life he'd be on the ground. _Dude, looks exhausted._ Dean's face contorts in worry, _You're going to run yourself raw for us._ He helps Cas around to the other side of the car and helps him again to get in.

Cas lets his head fall back. His chest is heaving. _This is what they mean when they say I feel like I ran a marathon._ Cas thinks and almost laughs, _I flew a marathon._ He can feel his body trying to sink into exhausted sleep. The driver's door opens and Dean gets in. Cas sits up.

"Dude, lay back. Get some rest. You look like shit." Dean says starting the car.

"It's not safe here." Castiel says sitting up straighter to keep himself awake.

Dean gets the car moving, "It's not safe anywhere."

"Exactly." Cas says fighting to keep his eyes open. "So I'll keep vigil while you drive."

"Cas. Dude. Take a fucking nap. I don't need a co-pilot to drive." Dean says as he gets them as far from the city as fast as he can. He glances over at Cas. _You look half way between dead exhausted and dead worried._ Dean jerks his eyes back to the road, "I'm serious Cas. My baby is the safest thing around for miles. So get some rest. You think we'd let anything happen to you?"

Cas stares at the side of Dean's head for a few moments. "Alright."

Dean listens to Cas shuffle around. The shuffling stops and a few seconds later Cas's breaths come deep and even– if a little slower than a human's. Dean takes a quick look over. Cas looks like a pile of limp spaghetti. _Wonder if that's what I look like when he watches over me?_


	39. Quick and Efficient

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why does everything about being human have to do with pain and failure?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Warning for beyond canon normal violence***  
> Basically you know the Yeager thing in the End? Yeah well, one up that. 
> 
> This is related to the chapter [Hellishly intense introspection nightmares](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3754431)
> 
> For those interested I generally post progress on this fanfic here: [Brains for Baby Jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/), as well as what sort of research is going on in relation to this (though be warned there is also a lot of nonsense that goes on there too).

Puffs of rank air against his face wakes him up. He keeps his eyes closed. He tightens his grip on his blade while trying to will his heart beat and breathing to stay steady, even, and slow. He wills himself to not give in to the rising panic.

There's a scream from the other side of the room. Cas snaps his eyes open and yanks his blade out. The croat beside him has turned away for just a second. He thrusts his blade up through the croat's chin and into it's brain. It slumps down on top of him. He kicks it off before he pulls his blade out. It only takes him a few seconds to do this but in that time the situation goes from bad to worse. His eyes flick around the room. Four croats. Brandon dead. Dan bitten. Travis missing. The others are scrambling for guns. _Let these be the only ones in the building._ Cas thinks as he grabs his gun, _Please let these be the only ones_. He's the only one with an extra clip.

They're not the only ones and gunfire draws croats like moths to the flame. Cas is vaguely aware that Travis has reappeared while they fight their way out of the office building. There are several clicks to his left- the deadly sound of an empty gun- and then a yelp of pain. _Derek dead. Dan bitten. Laura bitten. Travis as good as dead._ Cas thinks as the barrel out onto the street. _I would have been happy losing just two. Why does—_ The rumble of a vehicle interrupts his thoughts. Cas snaps his head around to see a truck hurtling down the street at them, the driver looking familiar and furious. "Oh good, the cavalry."

Dean slams the truck to a stop. _I leave you alone for ten hours!_ Dean thinks terrified. _Ten freakin' hours! Goddamn it Cas! Ten hours!_ He scrambles to get his seatbelt off, watching Cas and the others fight for their lives. Cas disappears. Dean grabs a couple of guns off the floor and holds them out.

Cas flies to the truck and yanks open the door. Dean is already passing him guns. "See any others?"

"Nope." Dean says getting his seatbelt off. Cas is already gone. He grabs his gun and kicks the driver's side door open. He's joined the fight before the croats know what's going on.

With loaded guns the fight doesn't last long. As a fully charged angel the suddenness of finishing a battle never bothered him but now, as a drained mortal angel half way to being human, it puts him on edge. His body is still feeling the zing of fighting but there's nothing left to fight. Cas looks around at the people he was supposed to be rescuing. Dawn and Bryan have Travis between them, their faces grim. Sean, Dan, and Laura stand off to the side covered in blood and still bleeding. No one bothers with their wounds. There's no point. They're already dead. _Two. I saved two._ Cas thinks bitterly. _I didn't want to lose two and now that's all I saved._

"What happened?" Dean demands motioning to the pile of dead croats. "You were supposed to lay low."

"They got the jump on us while we were asleep." Cas says and he knows with those words he's damning another person to death today.

Dean's lip twitches, "You didn't post a guard?"

Cas glares at him. The glare says it all, _As if I would be so careless._

"Right." Dean says flatly because he knows what that look means. _Son of a bitch._ Dean thinks as he pinches the bridge of his nose. _I hate doing this. Why couldn't you have just dealt with it Cas? Why do you always make me do it?_ He puts on his Fearless Leader face and turns to the others. He hopes one of the bitten ones is going to step up. It'll make this easier, "So who was it?"

Dawn and Bryan shove a terrified Travis forward.

"I just- I-" Travis stammers as Dean stalks up to him.

"I don't even want to hear it." Dean says coldly. _Fuck, why couldn't he have been bitten?_ Dean thinks as he stops in front of Travis, _Why do the idiots always get out fine?_ Dean sets a hand on his handgun. Everyone knows how this is going to end, "We lost people because you screwed off for whatever dumb fuck reason you came up with."

Travis doesn't say anything. He just stares wide eyed. It's one thing to lose people in a fight, sometimes you just aren't fast enough, but abandoning your post while on watch is an entirely different animal.

Dean takes his gun out. He hesitates. He turns to the three living dead. _It won't help them but at least I can let them have their justice- if they want it._ Dean thinks as he holds out the gun, "Any of you want to do it?"

It's Laura who puts her hand out.

Dean wordlessly passes her the gun. Far at the back of his head Dean knows it should bother him that he's calling an execution in the street justice.

Cas clenches his fists and watches as Laura shoots Travis and then herself. _I stayed here to save you._ Cas thinks watching the blood pool around two people he's worked and lived with for almost a year, _Why do I always fail?_

Dean picks his gun up before the blood reaches it. He looks at the other two. "So how do you want to do this?"

Dan and Sean look at each other. Whatever it is they see in each other's face lets them each decide.

Sean shrugs, "Do you have any grenades?"

"Back in the truck. Come on." Dean says waving for Sean to follow him. _Well at least he's going to Toni Mason the sons of bitches._ Dean thinks trying to find some measure of comfort in all this.

Cas watches Dan for signs that he knows are coming. Dan watches Sean and Dean head to the truck. Dawn and Bryan try not to look at anyone.

Dan glances over at the bodies on the ground. His eyes flick up, "Cas?"

"Alright." Cas says trying to keep the resignation out of his voice. _I failed but I can do this._ Cas thinks taking his blade out.

Dan gives Dawn and Bryan a look, he'd rather do this alone. Dawn and Bryan start towards the truck; they're more than willing to let him die on his own term if it means they don't have to watch another person die today. Dan watches them go.

Cas steps up behind him and stabs him through the heart. He gives his blade a quick twist as he pulls it out. He watches Dan fall to the ground and bleed out a few seconds later. When it's done he strips the three dead members of Camp Chitaqua of guns, knives, and anything else useful. He heads over to the truck. Dean is giving Sean directions to a den of croats a few blocks from here. Cas goes around to the back of the truck, Dawn and Bryan are sitting inside. He passes everything over to them and lets them deal with strapping things down and putting things away. He gets in the cab of the truck and waits, _Why does everything about being human have to do with pain and failure?_

Dean glances over when he sees Cas coming. He shifts his gaze back to make sure Dan has been dealt with. He nods to himself when he picks out Dan from among the bodies. He gives Sean a final slap to the shoulder and says something stupid about going out with style. He can't be bothered to remember what he says to people anymore when they're marching off to die. He gets into the truck and starts it up.

They drive in silence for awhile before Cas quietly says, "I'm taking amphetamines with me next time. This isn't happening again."

"Ah, no." Dean says quickly. _No fucking way._ Is what he'd like to say as fear starts to bubble up.

Cas stares at him for a moment waiting to see if Dean will come to his senses. He doesn't. Cas sighs, "You do it."

"No." Dean says trying to sound firm while Cas stares at him with the sad eyes. _Come on Cas, not now. Even when everyone died you didn't start taking that shit._ Dean thinks while he tries to put a distant conversation out of his head. A conversation that he's not going to let happen. _You aren't going to sit there and tell me about amphetamines and absinthe again_.

"Dean," Cas starts trying to sound understanding rather than annoyed. "This isn't—"

" _I am **not** giving you fucking **speed**_." Dean snaps. He's griping the steering wheel so tight his knuckles are white. "So just fucking drop it."

"If I had stayed on watch all night this wouldn't have happened." Cas replies sharply. _I know you think you're looking out for me but I'm not a child._ Cas thinks in anger. They've argued about this before but until recently there was almost no point in using a chemical aid to stay awake. The sheer quantity he would have needed would have made it unreasonable and besides, he rarely use to sleep. Now he does every other night. More if he's flying. _People depend on me to keep them safe. I can't afford sleep._ Cas clenches his fists and sets his jaw, "You can either give it to me or I'll find it on my own, but this is not happening again."

"No." Dean says flatly. _Oh fuck, this is what does it. He starts with this and it just tailspins from here._ Dean thinks trying to stare ahead. If he look at Cas right now he might blurt out just how hopeless this all is, how it all ends.

" _Dean_." Cas says and nearly adds, _Do not be such a hypocritical child._

"I said **_no_**." Dean growls. He's half tempted to give Cas a slap up side the head.

"You don't get a say in this Dean. You can either help me or not but you don't get to say no." Cas scowls at him. He's sick of being treated like this. _You think I'm capable enough to consent to killing and sex but you don't think I know enough to make a decision on this?_ Cas thinks as anger sets in. "This is _not_ happening again and if it requires amphetamine to not happen again then so be it."

"We'll get you caffeine pills." Dean says.

"Do you realize how many of those I'd have to take?" Cas laughs harshly. The very idea is ludicrous. He would need to bring a back pack along just to carry them. "No. You use amphetamine and so does much of the camp. It's quick and efficient."

"No."

Cas goes silent. The argument is over as far as he's concerned. _If you're not going to be reasonable about this then there's no point in discussing it further._ He'll ask someone else in camp for them or look for them the next time they're out.

" _Fuck_." Dean slams his hand onto the steering wheel. He knows damn well what the silence means. _You're just going to do it anyway_. Dean glares over at him, _Good stare out the fucking windowing and act like a brat because I don't want to be your dealer._ He slams the steering wheel again and swears a few more times before taking a long breath, "Fine. But you're doing a test round at camp before you go out all fucked up on fucking amps."

"Thank you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Toni Mason" - Dean is referring to Red Dawn (1984). Interestingly Adrianne Palicki (Jess) was cast as Toni in Red Dawn (2012).


	40. It's too bright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is related to the chapter [Hellishly intense introspection nightmares](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3754431)
> 
> For those interested I generally post progress on this fanfic here: [Brains for Baby Jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/), as well as what sort of research is going on in relation to this (though be warned there is also a lot of nonsense that goes on there too).

Cas wakes up and stares at his ceiling. He stares at it puzzled trying to figure out what's wrong about it. _...it's too bright._ He realizes. _It's nowhere near sunrise._ He sits up careful not to wake Megan or Kate. The light in his cabin seems to flicker. _Something is wrong._ He slides out of bed and pulls pants and a shirt on. He shoves his feet into his boots and heads out.

The moment he gets outside he realizes what that something wrong is; something is on fire. He jogs down the path. It's the mess hall: their kitchen, their food stores. Its on fire. He stares in shock for a moment before he flies to Dean's cabin. He bangs on the door.

Dean flings the door open, the cold winter air making him regret not putting pants on. He takes one look at Cas and the orangey glow behind him and he knows what's wrong. "Shit."

"The mess hall is on fire." Cas tells him and Dean's face goes white.

Dean lets the door slam close in Cas's face while he grabs the first pair of pants he sees. He doesn't bother with a shirt, instead just grabbing his jacket. He wakes up Evelyn, "Evie! Get up! Go bang on some doors. The mess hall's on fire."

Evelyn blinks at him, "The mess hall?"

"Is on fire. So get your shit moving." Dean says over his shoulder as he bolts out the door. He starts over to the mess hall at a run with Cas jogging along beside him, their breaths coming out in puffs of white, "How bad?"

"Bad." Cas says and when they get there it's worse. Some of the others are starting to trickle out. Everyone gathers around just in time to watch the building collapse. Cas watches as the structure crumbles. _At least it's winter and won't spread as easily._ Cas thinks trying to give himself some measure of relief.

Dean kicks at the snow. "Fuck!"

It's the beginning of a very long night.


	41. I was there when it happened

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The snap of fingers makes Castiel freeze. He's heard that sound coming from an archangel before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Johnny Cash
> 
> Some lines are snagged right from Supernatural.
> 
> This is related to the chapter [Hellishly intense introspection nightmares](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3754431)
> 
> For those interested I generally post progress on this fanfic here: [Brains for Baby Jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/), as well as what sort of research is going on in relation to this (though be warned there is also a lot of nonsense that goes on there too).

"–ounds." Castiel finishes. He looks around the small dank basement room lit only by the ring of holy fire he's trapped in. His vessel's shoulders sink when he sees the silhouette of a familiar figure. _Sam_. "Lucifer."

"Castiel." Lucifer says stepping into the light. He circles around Castiel once before coming back to stand in front of him, "Sam thinks very highly of you. Loyal. Brave. Self sacrificing...if a little slow."

Castiel clenches his fists. He knows he's going to die here. The holy fire is the only thing keeping Lucifer away from him at the moment. As soon as Lucifer plays whatever game he is playing that will be it.

"Castiel- may I call you Cas?" Lucifer politely asks.

"No." Castiel says sharply. He fights to keep his thoughts in check but it slips out anyway, **_You_** _do not get to use that name!_ He cuts the thought off before it can get any further. He doesn't know to what extant Lucifer may be able to read his thoughts.

"Very well." Lucifer says, face falling ever so slightly, "Castiel, why are you fighting against me?"

"Do you have to ask?" Castiel says again nearly failing to keep his anger in check. A twitch goes through Lucifer's face and for a moment it looks like Sam. _Oh Sam. Why would you do this?_

"I rebelled and was cast out, you rebelled and were cast out." Lucifer says softly as he paces in front of Castiel. He stops off to the side and looks Castiel up and down. "And then our brothers left us behind. Not one word. No warning. Just-" Lucifer snaps his fingers. "Gone."

The snap of fingers makes Castiel freeze. He's heard that sound coming from an archangel before. He is expecting to be atomized again, just as Raphael had done. He hears the echo of the snap. He's surprised to find himself still living and in one piece.

Lucifer notices the subtle flinch at the snap of his fingers, "Oh, that's right. Raphael. See brother? See how they've treated us? I loved God and I was caged in Hell. You wanted to stop the apocalypse and they destroy you."

"But I came back." Castiel can't help but say. _God couldn't have brought me back only to die here._

"Yes, you did. Father showing favouritism again." Lucifer says. He waves his hand at himself, "Do you see? How alike you and I are?"

"We are not alike." Castiel nearly growls.

"Of course we are. We both Fell because of humanity. What I don't understand is why you want to _save_ it. It's destroying this beautiful thing." Lucifer motions to all which is around him, to the world as a whole, "The last work of God and they treat it like a refuse pile. Join me Castiel, we can save a _world_ together. What's one insignificant species measured against an entire planet?"

"They are more than an insignificant species." Castiel says trying to keep the pain from his voice. It hurts to hear Lucifer speak lies with Sam's voice. "I'll die before I join you."

Lucifer smiles, "As you are."

Castiel shifts, uncomfortable, because it's true. His grace has been fading, faster now that the other angels are gone. He draws himself up and faces Lucifer down- ever the stern solider.

"Oh, don't think you can hide it with some silly posturing brother. I can see your grace fading." Lucifer says slowly letting his eyes slide over Castiel, "I can stop it. If you join me you won't ever have to worry about it again."

Castiel stays silent

"Do you know what it'll feel like? When your grace finally breaks down? Shatters into so many pieces?" Lucifer asks studying him.

"No." Castiel says flatly.

"Neither do I, you'll have to tell me some day." Lucifer says smiling a little, "Or...

" _Never_." Castiel says in a burst of anger. _To see Sam smiling like that..._ He calms himself down.

"Castiel. Your fight is hopeless. We always end up here." Lucifer says and even _he_ sounds sad about it, "No matter the details you change. I always win."

"Then you already know that I won't join you." Castiel says. _Why hold back my words when I'll die anyway?_

Lucifer smiles and circles around him again, "Yes. I suppose you won't. You always throw your lot in with humanity. You are such a strange creature Castiel."

Castiel shrinks back when Lucifer turns his hand. _This is it_. A facet turns and water streams out gently. Once again Castiel finds himself surprised at being alive. The ring of holy fire is extinguished. The ring of fire was trapping him, but it was also keeping Lucifer away.

"I know you won't join me Castiel, but I also know you won't win." Lucifer says calmly. He spreads his hands in a gesture of acceptance, "It's fate Castiel. You can't fight fate. As I said, you can change the little details but in the end....I win."

Castiel hesitates. Lucifer is simply standing there trying to look amenable. _Do I fight? What is he waiting for?_

"Go on, Castiel. Go back to your humans." Lucifer says waving towards the street above. He stops as if he's forgotten something. He leans forward and smiles that faint smile again, "Oh, and Castiel? Tell Dean I said hi."


	42. No matter when

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That's the only good thing about Cas getting drunk like this. He gets too drunk to remember that he doesn't say his name anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think what I'll do for references is post them in the appendix when it goes up. The show never tells you when it's referencing something so maybe I'll make it an Easter egg hunt after. There's five movie/book references here if you're wondering.
> 
> This is related to the chapter [Hellishly intense introspection nightmares](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3754431)
> 
> For those interested I generally post progress on this fanfic here: [Brains for Baby Jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/), as well as what sort of research is going on in relation to this (though be warned there is also a lot of nonsense that goes on there too).

"You were supposed to stop it."

Dean cringes. He can hear it in Cas's voice. Cas doesn't slur, he never slurs,- it's a weird leftover angelic quirk- but Dean _knows_ Cas is blackout drunk. He doesn't know how Cas even manages to get this drunk. _That's a lie if I ever heard one._ Dean thinks sourly, _He's probably taking half a medicine cabinet on top of downing all the liquor in camp._ Cas plunks down in a chair at the table. This is one of the problems of living in the HQ, people think they can just waltz in. Dean sighs, "Great. Another raving drunk night."

"Why didn't you stop it?" Cas asks digging around in his jacket for the bottle of... _What **am** I drinking tonight?_ Cas finally pulls it out and takes a look, _Sloe gin?_

Dean doesn't have to ask what Cas is referring to. He wonders the same thing every night, "I'm trying to Cas."

"You're not trying very hard." Cas unscrews the cap and takes a long gulp of the deep ruby coloured liquid. 

"Well I am." Dean says. He takes the bottle away from Cas and fills his own glass up. He pushes the glass at Cas. _I can't stop you from doing this._ Dean thinks as he screws the cap back on, _But at least I can slow you down._

Cas picks the glass up, "Yeah?"

"Yeah." Dean says watching him.

"Well you're fucking failing at it." Cas says bitterly then drains half his glass.

"Cas..." Dean presses a hand to his forehead. Some days it really hits home just how much Cas has changed in the last few years. _You really grew some teeth along the way._ Dean thinks, _And damn do they ever cut deep some times._ At least when Cas is this drunk he can be honest. "I don't even think the Colt will work."

 _Of course you don't know._ Cas thinks smirking into his glass, _You spend years telling me you have a plan and you don't even know._ He drags his eyes from his glass to Dean, "So what are you going to do?"

"I'm working on it." Dean says. Cas drains the glass and shoves it at him. Dean takes his time unscrewing the bottle.

"How?" Cas asks taking the bottle back from Dean because he's taking too damn long. He unscrews it quickly and takes a swig from the bottle before pouring another glass. He sets the bottle down on the table but keeps the cap so Dean can't close it, "How are you going to do it Dean?"

That's the only _good_ thing about Cas getting drunk like this. He gets too drunk to remember that he doesn't say his name anymore. Dean lets out another sigh, "I don't know, man. I don't think I even can."

"You _have_ to, you're the _Righteous Man._ You started it. You _**have**_ to end it." Cas says thoughtfully to his glass. He flicks his eyes up to stare through Dean, "So how are you going to do it?"

"Yeah? And how the fuck am I supposed to end it Cas?" Dean snaps. If he hates it when Cas calls him Fearless Leader he doesn't know what to call the rage he feels when Cas calls him the Righteous Man. "Want to fucking enlighten me?"

"All that hate is gonna burn you up, kid." Cas says with a harsh laugh. Dean scowls at him which only makes him laugh harder, "What? Can you simply not imagine that one little boy could be that important?"

Dean shakes his head, "Go home Cas."

"Home is where you wear your hat." Cas says pouring out some sloe gin into the glass. He pushes it at Dean. "I don't have a home anymore."

"You know what I mean." Dean says. He picks up the glass and gives it a sniff. His face screws up in disgust. He sets the glass down. Cas snatches it up and drains it. Dean rubs at his forehead, "Just go home and sleep it off and tomorrow you can forget everything and we can go back to fighting."

"As you wish." Cas chortles. He stands to go, swiping the bottle of sloe gin from the table as he heads for the door. He stops half way there and looks over his shoulder, "We're still in this together."

"Yeah. Yeah, I know." Dean says waving him off.

" _Always_ Dean." Cas says turning back to him, "Always. No matter when or where or how or what or why. Always."

Dean rolls his eyes, "You're missing who."

"What?" Cas asks confused. His head jerking to the side like how he used to do.

"Never mind." Dean says shaking his head again. "Just go home."

Cas thinks it over with another sip of sloe gin. He shrugs when he doesn't come up with an answer. He points at Dean with the open bottle of sloe gin, " ** _Always_** , Dean. That means forever. It's also how you spell moon."

Dean watches Cas stumble out the door. Cas might not slur his words but even he isn't immune from stumbling around when he's that drunk. _Fuck, Cas is right. We've been in this together from the very start. He pulled me out of Hell for crying out loud._ Dean thinks still staring at the door, _I should just take it all back. If it's all going to end with bullets and croats anyway why make us miserable now? When—_ Dean sits up. Cas's words ring in his ears, _Always. No matter when–_ He scrambles up and starts pulling out Bobby's books. He's looking for one that's red and bound in leather. At the time he thought it was crazy but now... _Maybe it's never mattered **when**_.


	43. Even poor old Edgar Derby got a trial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bang reverberates in the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Warning, there's random violence, slightly beyond canon normal violence***  
> Seriously, this does not make Dean or Cas out to be good people.
> 
> This is related to the chapter [Hellishly intense introspection nightmares](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3754431)
> 
> For those interested I generally post progress on this fanfic here: [Brains for Baby Jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/), as well as what sort of research is going on in relation to this (though be warned there is also a lot of nonsense that goes on there too).

The door bangs open.

Cas grabs his gun off the night stand and rolls out of the mouldy motel bed in one fluid motion. His brain has a moment to register what he's seeing, it's one of the new men– Cory? Kyle? Something like that. A bang reverberates in the room. The new man looks confused and drops to the floor. Cas looks confused too.

Dean strides around the bed looking livid but it's fear that has him moving. _Holy dear god!_ Dean's head is screaming in panic, to be woken up from a dream like **_that_** by something crashing into the room, _Holy fucking god. What if it had gotten Cas?_ That was the stuff of his nightmares now. Croats getting Cas. Demons getting Cas. Honest to goodness low life humans getting Cas. He grabs Cas and turns him around. "When we're outside the camp and someone comes into your room like that you don't hesitate, you shoot!"

Cas shrinks back from Dean. "Dean, that was one of the new guys."

"If they were dumb enough to do that they deserve it!" Dean says pointing angrily towards the body on the floor. _Fuck. It was, wasn't it?_ Dean thinks _, But what if it wasn't? What if I hesitated and that was the one time it was a croat? What if he **was** a croat?_ He suppresses a shiver of sickening fear. "What if he was a croat?"

"He wasn't." Cas says peeling Dean's fingers off his arms. _What is happening to you?_ Cas wonders, _You can't be this far gone can you?_

"You don't know that." Dean says letting his arms fall to his sides. _Fuck_. Dean thinks, the guilt finally catching up to him, _I just shot him. And he might as well have been a kid._ He glances at Cas and he realizes he'd do it again; he can feel the bile rising in his stomach. He looks between the kid on the floor and Cas. Yeah, he'd shoot the kid again because it feels worse when he thinks about anything happening to Cas.

The others have gathered around the door now. They're wary. They should be. They approach with their guns drawn.

Dean stares at them, his face hard. He doesn't know what to say. _Sorry I shot the new guy, he woke me up from a nightmare._ Dean thinks and almost laughs at how absurd of an excuse that is; they **_live_** in a fucking nightmare, _They already think I'm a cold blooded killer, might as well let them know they're right._ He opens his mouth to tell them how screwed up this all is but then Cas is talking.

"Who was with Kyle today?" Cas asks sternly.

It's Megan that hesitantly puts her hand up.

"Maybe next time you should think about _telling_ us your partner's flipped." Cas says. He doesn't yell. It's Dean that yells. He says things low and calm. It makes everyone cringe. It makes him cringe. _I can't have gone this far can I?_ Cas wonders, the words that just came out of his mouth make him feel nauseous, _I can't let them think you're a monster Dean. You're not. It's the apocalypse. None of this should ever have happened. This wasn't your fault._

Megan looks at the body on the floor. Her face pales. "I- I didn't know. We were only separated for a minute. He didn't say anything had happened."

 _Because nothing happened,_ Cas thinks, _Nothing happened until he came here and forgot to knock._ Cas sets his jaw firmly, "You think everyone just admits to being infected?"


	44. Dial 18 double 0

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's always nice to have extra help in the morning."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mr Torture - Helloween 
> 
> This is related to the chapter [Hellishly intense introspection nightmares](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3754431)
> 
> For those interested I generally post progress on this fanfic here: [Brains for Baby Jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/), as well as what sort of research is going on in relation to this (though be warned there is also a lot of nonsense that goes on there too).

All the air seems to rush out of Cas at once. His whole body deflates as he watches Dean press the demon's face to the burner of the electric stove in the mess hall. _Oh Dean...how did you even get it in here?_ Cas thinks sadly. He's still just enough of an angel to know when a demon is nearby. It woke him up and drew him here but... _Clearly you've been at this for awhile._ He watches Dean pull the demon off the stove and throw it down into a chair. There's a vicious smile on Dean's face, as if he's enjoying tossing the burnt demon around. Cas feels his skin start to crawl when Dean speaks.

"The Colt." Dean says in an icy voice that's dead calm. "Where is it?"

The demon laughs, "You'll never find it."

"Oh, I will. You can count on that." Dean says drawing a knife down the demon's arm from shoulder to wrist. Blood wells up. A human would be dead in a few minutes but the demon just laughs. Dean presses the blade against the burnt flesh on the demon's cheek. A predatory grin slides onto his face, "Want to see something else that's funny?"

Cas strides across the room with his blade out. Dean doesn't realize he's there- he's too focused on the pain he's causing- until Cas is stabbing the demon in the chest.

"Son of a bitch! What the hell did you do that for?" Dean growls as the demon flickers red and dies.

"It's going to be sunrise in half an hour." Cas says by way of explanation.

"So?" Dean retorts. He looks back at the demon. _I was so close._ Dean thinks coldly, _Just a little longer and it would have told me something._

" _So_ , Emily and Patrick will be here shortly to start breakfast and you have a demon in the kitchen." Cas says pointing furiously at the demon. _Oh Dean, why are you doing this again?_ Cas thinks knowing it's his fault. _I should never have asked you to torture Alastair._ He reaches over and turns the stove off, "Do you want to explain why it's here?"

Dean glances out the window. The blue glow of dawn is creeping up in the sky. _Shit. He's right._ Dean looks over the mess he's made in the kitchen. Blood, knives, and the smell of burnt flesh fill the room. Dean runs his hands through his hair. "Fuck."

"Just...get rid of it." Cas says waving a hand at the dead demon. He looks around, there isn't as much blood as their could be but it's enough. "Take it and go...I'll clean up... _this_."

Dean stares at Cas for a moment. He rubs at the back of his neck. He sets the knife down on the stove top. "Yeah, I'll....yeah."

Cas watches him sling the demon over his shoulder and creep out the door into the early morning pre-dawn then looks around at the mess he's just volunteered to clean up. He sighs and heads for the broom closet. He gets a bucket and mop. He fills the bucket and sets it down. He picks up a few knives and throws them into the sink. He grabs the mop and starts to erase the signs of torture occasionally stopping to toss a bloody utensil into the sink.

He finishes the floor and moves on to the bloody kitchen utensils. He plugs the sink and starts the water running and leaves it to make a sweep of the kitchen for anything he might have missed. He finds a potato masher with burnt flesh stuck to it laying discarded under a cabinet.

The dishes don't take long. He puts them away as if nothing had happened. He almost leaves when he remembers the stove. He's still scraping charred skin off the burner when Emily and Patrick come in.

"Cas?" Emily asks surprised to see him. "What are...?"

"I couldn't sleep. I thought I'd come early and help with breakfast." Cas says wiping the charred skin off the stove and into his hand. His nostrils flare in disgust. He can still feel the hint of demonic energy in it. He steps over to the garbage can and brushes it off his hand as fast as he possibly can.

"Oh. Great!" Emily says, her face brightening. "It's everyone's favourite today. More meat from a can."

That gets a long tired sigh from Patrick. He opens one of the cupboards and starts pulling out tins of ham. "Yeah. My favourite. Next I'll cook up some meal worms."

Cas starts opening tins. His stomach turns when he sees Emily open the cutlery drawer and take out one of the knives Dean had been using moments before to cut into the demon. He doesn't say anything. He passes an open tin to Emily.

Emily takes it and turns it over on a cutting board. The meat comes out with a sucking noise. She dices it up into slices. "It's always nice to have extra help in the morning."

"It's no problem. I couldn't sleep anyway." Cas says automatically. _Not after seeing Dean..._


	45. Hospitals are dangerous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Dude, relax. Everything's quiet. We get in, we get out, we go home. Hopefully with enough supplies to start stocking up for the winter."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is related to the chapter [Hellishly intense introspection nightmares](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3754431)
> 
> For those interested I generally post progress on this fanfic here: [Brains for Baby Jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/), as well as what sort of research is going on in relation to this (though be warned there is also a lot of nonsense that goes on there too).

"We'll go." Lacy says intertwining her hand with Ian's. They smile at each other.

Dean watches the love-struck teens for a moment before laughing. They're two of the scrawniest kids he's ever seen, "Maybe when you two have got a few extra pounds on you. Stick with the group and load the truck."

Andrew puts his hand up, "I'll take the first floor."

"I'll go for seconds." Sean adds after.

"I'll take the third." Laura says nodding to herself.

Derek sticks his hands out in a 'what the hell' gesture, "Fourth."

There's a pause.

Dean looks around. Everyone stays quiet. No one likes hospitals. They were where Croatoan first started. They're dangerous for so many different reasons. Dean tries to lighten the mood. He shoots a sarcastic grin around the group, "Come on, who wants the penthouse view?"

The silence continues until James speaks up, "I'll go."

"Alright, and Jay's got the fifth floor." Dean says clapping his hands together. He points to himself and the two people beside him, "I'll take Evie and Pat to check out that garage. The rest of you get packing. Cas, is point of contact of course"

Castiel watches the others break away frowning all the while. He waits for Dean to finish talking to those staying to pack up the trucks. He steps aside with him not wanting to worry the others, "Dean, we know there are infected people in the area. Should we really be splitting up to such a degree?"

"That's exactly why I don't want to be here tonight." Dean says shouldering his gun, "We gotta lot of ground to cover and we can't keep going back empty handed."

Castiel knows it's true. _But you're taking unnecessary risks._ Castiel thinks they could easily complete all these tasks as one or two large groups. "Hospitals are dangerous. We should really be sending more people in."

Dean smirks. "Oh, I get it now."

"Get what?" Castiel asks confused by the knowing look and tone Dean is using.

"You're worried about-" Dean nods his head at James who is heading towards the hospital with the others who volunteered.

Castiel looks over. _Well of course I'm worried about him._ Cas thinks hotly, _I worry about all of you that I have left._ Cas doesn't bring it up. It's too much pain to bear when he needs to be focused, "I'm worried about all of them. Hospitals _are_ dangerous."

"Well isn't he lucky you fly angel airways." Dean says because he can read Cas's face like a book most days. Dean gives him a playful nudge with his elbow, "You can just swoop in and rescue him if things go south. Knight in...jeans and jacket."

Cas scowls at him.

Dean laughs and gives him a slap on the back, "Dude, relax. Everything's quiet. We get in, we get out, we go home. Hopefully with enough supplies to start stocking up for the winter."

"...be careful Dean." Castiel says sombrely before flying to catch up with the group entering the hospital. They still flinch when he lands but they've been living at Camp Chitaqua long enough that they don't jump and shout anymore. They enter the hospital. Andrew immediately veers off from the group. The rest of them search for the stairwell. It doesn't take long to find it.

Derek holds the door open for them, "You know Cas, I _still_ don't get you and Dean."

"Get?" Cas asks as he starts up the stairs behind Sean and James.

"I dunno you two just seem..." Derek says letting the door close when Laura gets through.

"Yeah." Sean nods in agreement to Derek's inability to describe it. He gives James an quick elbow to the side, "Got any insights?"

"Don't look at me." James says putting a hand up in defence, "I don't get it anymore than you do."

Cas frowns at their conversation. _Why do people always claim our friendship unfathomable?_ Cas wonders while he climbs the stairs. _Is that part of the reason why James and Bethany and Dean don't get along with each other? Do they think he's unknowable?_

Derek starts up the conversation again since Cas doesn't answer, "Is he like, secretly some kind of chick flick romantic or-"

Cas huffs in laughter at the ironic choice in words. _Chick flicks? Dean?_ Cas laughs quietly to himself, _Maybe Dean really is hard to know._

"I'll take that as a no." Derek says drumming his fingers along the railing, "So what then? Is he just a good lay?"

"I'll say." Laura pipes up with an unusual amount of enthusiasm for her.

Castiel nearly runs in to Sean when Derek, Sean, and James all stop and look at her.

Laura shrugs "Well, you know, you go back for a reason."

They turn to Cas.

Castiel sweeps his eyes across each of them. _Why are so many humans caught up in sex so much of the time?_ Castiel wonders, _We're here to look for supplies._ Cas shifts on his feet when he realizes he's been quiet too long. He searches for the correct words, "He's...proficient."

" _Proficient_." Sean laughs as he stops at the second floor door. "I guess we know who the romantic is."

The others chuckle as Sean splits off from the group. The rest of them chat amicably as they climb the stairs. One by one the stairwell empties until James is pushing open the door to the fifth floor.

Cas stops on the landing, "I have to check in with the others."

"Okay." James steps in close and gives him a kiss. "Going to come back and get up to no good with me?"

"Of course. I won't be long." Cas says letting his hand trail down James's arm. He flies down one floor at a time making a quick stop to check in on each volunteer in the hospital. Everyone is fine. Laura has found a supply room already. He flies out to the ring of trucks and checks up on them. They're nearly done there. _I'll send them in to the hospital as back up once they're done._ Cas thinks before he flies to the garage where Dean should be.

"How's it going?" Dean asks when Cas pops up beside him in a little gust of wind.

"Fine. The trucks will be loaded soon." Castiel tells him looking around. _I should ask Dean to teach me more about vehicles again._ Castiel thinks as he looks around and realizes he has little to no idea what much of the machinery and parts in this building do.

There's an excited squeal from further back. It's Evie, " _Oh my word._ Dean. Do you see what they have hidden back here?"

Dean goes around to look, Cas following him. Dean shakes his head in mock disappointment at what he sees, "I will never understand what it is with you and supras."

"But- this is an 87 Supra Turbo! Touch it Dean." Evie demands while running a loving hand across the top of the car, "Touch it and tell me you don't understand."

Dean laughs but he steps forward and runs a hand over the hood of the car. It's covered in a thick layer of dust. He rubs his hand on his pants. "Still don't get it."

"You are a terrible person." Evie says solemnly before turning to get Patrick's attention, "Pat! Come touch it."

Dean shakes his head laughing. "Come on, stop groping the car. We've got work to do."

 _I wish I understood any of that._ Cas thinks seeing the way Dean laughs. Instead of asking for an explanation Castiel takes the moment to interrupt the conversation about cars. "Have you found the parts you're looking for?"

"Some of them." Dean says still chuckling a little as Evie and Pat fondle the car.

Cas looks over at them confused for a moment- _**They** seem to understand him-_ before turning back to Dean, "Should I send someone with a truck?"

"Not quite yet." Dean says as he goes back to pulling tools and used parts out of a bin, "So-"

Dean is cut off by muffled pops in the distance. Gunfire.

Cas doesn't wait for Dean to tell him to go. That had come from the hospital. _I told you Dean. I told you hospitals are dangerous._


	46. Paul Sheldon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel knows why Dean is asking for this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is related to the chapter [Hellishly intense introspection nightmares](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3754431)
> 
> For those interested I generally post progress on this fanfic here: [Brains for Baby Jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/), as well as what sort of research is going on in relation to this (though be warned there is also a lot of nonsense that goes on there too).

Dean has been abnormally quiet since he talked to the hunter Gu. Castiel has attempted conversation a few times but conversation falls flat when there's only one person speaking. Castiel has suggested Dean pick a tape from the shoebox but that too has been met with silence. The silence is excruciating. _My brothers left me with silence_. Castiel thinks, _Please don't be silent too Dean. I don't know what to do._ Castiel takes a chance and does something he's noticed humans do when other humans are upset. He places his vessel's hand gently on Dean's shoulder and rubs in small circular motions. He hopes he has the gesture right.

It takes Dean awhile to notice that Cas is rubbing his shoulder. He's been so lost in thought the last few days. _He told me it would always end there._ It keeps running through his head, _He told me it would always end there. I didn't believe him. I didn't believe myself. I should have said yes as soon as I got back. He told me this would happen._ Dean breathes deeply trying to summon up the courage for what he's going to say next. Cas is still rubbing his shoulder. Dean's chest tightens in a swamp of emotions. "Cas. I need you to do something for me."

"Of course." Castiel doesn't even consider what it might be. He's just glad that Dean is talking to him. He continues the small circular motions with his vessel's hand, clearly it has been a success. His grace swells with pride, for once he's gotten a human social gesture right.

"I need you to start looking for the Colt." Dean says. His voice sounds strangely robotic in his own ears, as if he's not really the one saying it. The little circles Cas was rubbing into his shoulder stop.

Castiel knows why Dean is asking for this, "...Dean that will–"

"I know Cas!" Dean snaps and Cas's hand slips away. Dean knows all too well what he's asking Cas to do. _Dad told me I'd have to do this_. Dean realizes, _Dad knew it would always come down to this. I didn't listen to him either._ That's another person on the list Dean is compiling called _should have listened to them_. He forces himself to not sound angry at Cas. None of this is Cas's fault. It's his– it's all on him, Dean fucking Winchester conductor of the apocalypse. "I know, but I can't let him wear Sam around like the new black. I can't Cas. Just- I need the Colt, Cas. _I **need** it_. I need to stop this."

There's something that flickers in Dean's soul when he speaks of needing the Colt. It's strong enough that Castiel doesn't have to look for it to feel it. He tells Dean he'll start looking right away. He flies from the car. He's in Oregon when it occurs to him that if Dean is successful with the Colt he'll not only be killing Sam he'll be killing the last brother Castiel has left too.


	47. They had one thing in common

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean knows Cas just doesn't give a fuck. Cas doesn't care if someone walks in on them because he's slept with most of them. They aren't exactly going to be surprised by naked Cas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life in the Fast Lane - The Eagles
> 
> There's smut here. You've been warned.
> 
> This is related to the chapter [Hellishly intense introspection nightmares](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3754431)
> 
> For those interested I generally post progress on this fanfic here: [Brains for Baby Jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/), as well as what sort of research is going on in relation to this (though be warned there is also a lot of nonsense that goes on there too).

Cas watches as Dean moves around the HQ completely oblivious to the fact he's being watched. When Dean puts down the guns he slides off the counter and grabs the two glasses of whiskey he's poured. "Hello Dean."

"Jesus fuck!" Dean yelps as he jumps towards the guns. He's got his hands on a pistol before his brain registers that it's Cas lurking in the shadows. He lets the gun go and turns on Cas, "Son of a bitch! Don't _do_ that."

Cas offers a glass of whiskey as an apology.

Dean snatches it up and downs the whole thing to calm his nerves. Ever since...that whole _thing_ the other week Cas has been popping up like this. Sure, he had been worried that it didn't mean anything to Cas but now he was starting to wonder what it _did_ mean to Cas. So far this whole....this _thing_ they had going on just meant Cas kept... _Fucking stalking me._ Dean finally puts a word to it. _He's stalking me and he's got that raptor look in his eyes and jesus fucking christ– we're in the HQ! Anyone could walk in!_

Cas throws back the contents of his own glass before moving purposefully over to Dean. Dean backs up as he comes closer which is quite alright with Cas. It lets him trap Dean between the table and himself. He's standing so close he could probably lick Dean's nose. Dean tries to slide away. He snaps his hips forward and pins Dean to the table with them. A devious smile breaks out onto his face, "How'd the mission go?"

"Ah...good?" Dean says as his heart starts to beat faster, anticipating where all this is going.

"That's-" Cas grinds his hips into Dean. "-good."

"Cas." Dean tries to say sternly, "We. Are in. The HQ. Anyone could walk in here."

"So?" Cas says running his hands up Dean's sides. He leans in to nip at Dean's neck.

Dean shivers as Cas's lips and teeth graze over all the sweet spots. It's a like a million little static shocks all at once in the best way possible. Dean glances at the very open door but Cas keeps going. It isn't so much that Cas is a voyeur or an exhibitionist or some weird sex fiend. Dean knows Cas just doesn't give a fuck. Cas doesn't care if someone walks in on them because he's slept with most of them. They aren't exactly going to be surprised by naked Cas. _But...well...it's not like I haven't screwed around with half the chicks here._ Dean reasons as Cas's hands slide under his shirt, _Okay, maybe Cas has a good point here._

Cas smiles against Dean's neck when Dean's hands suddenly come up and start roving along his sides. "I see I've made an adequate argument."

"Looks like." Dean says running his hands down to Cas's belt.

"Good." Cas says dropping his hands down to undo Dean's belt. He snaps it out and tosses it aside. The button and zipper on Dean's jeans are the next to be undone.

Dean isn't as agitated by the presence of belts and buttons and zippers as Cas apparently is so he takes his time unbuckling Cas's belt and gives Cas a couple of good gropes through his jeans before moving on to the button and fly. His hand bumps into something hard and roundish in Cas's jacket pocket as he unzips the fly. "Oh christ, you're not hiding vibrators or something on you again are you?"

"No. Do you want me to?" Cas grins and reaches into Dean's pants and wraps his hand around Dean's cock.

"Not in here." Dean says grabbing Cas's jacket. He slips his hand into the pocket and pulls out– lube. _Well thank god for that._ Dean thinks, _Jesus, talk about always being prepared._ He sets the lube on the table. "Do you just wander around with lube all the time?"

"No." Cas says and can't help but laughingly add, "Do you want me to?"

Dean rolls his eyes. _You probably would too if I said yes._ Dean thinks as he snakes a hand around Cas to grab a handful of ass. "So got any plans here?"

"Well I do have _one_." Cas says letting go of Dean's now hard dick. "Want to hear it?"

Dean makes a noise of protest at Cas letting go of his hard on. He grinds his hips into Cas, if Cas doesn't want to do something about his dick he'll be happy do it instead. "Sure. Lay it on me."

Cas grins, "You sure?"

"Yeah—" Dean barely gets the word out before he finds himself flipped around and pressed flat against the table with Cas's hand planted firmly between his shoulders. _Fucking angel strength!_ Dean thinks annoyed, _Every fucking time!_ A moment later Cas yanks his pants down with the other hand. Dean takes in a sharp breath as the cool air hits him. "Fuck, _Cas_."

"Actually the plan is fuck Dean." Cas laughs shoving his own pants down, they only get as far as the thigh strap for his blade. He snatches up the lube and flicks the cap open. He hesitates, both hands are rather occupied at the moment. He solves his problem by push up Dean's shirt and jacket and squirting a bunch of lube onto the small of Dean's back. Dean hisses when it hits him. Cas runs his fingers through the lube. Then presses a slick finger to Dean's hole. Dean's breath hitches. _Love that noise._ Cas thinks rubbing and circling Dean, slicking him up, _Make it again._ He presses his finger in to the second knuckle. Dean makes the noise again much to his satisfaction.

"Goddamn it Cas, you always do that too fast." Dean says straining his head back to give Cas a glare.

"Well Dean, what would you rather have?" Cas says working his finger in and out. He pulls it out to scoop more lube off Dean's back. He thrusts the finger all the way in, "Life in the fast lane or a slow ride?"

Dean gives him a dirty look in response.

Cas chuckles, "Fast lane it is."

"Oh hell." Dean mutters and mentally prepares himself. A second later Cas is shoving in another finger. He always regrets it when he lets Cas just charge ahead. _Well at first. He always makes it worth while._ Dean thinks holding still while Cas keeps a steady pressure forward. When both fingers are in Cas doesn't waste time. He gently starts pulling them out and thrusting them in, pushing downward on each in-stroke, grazing that fucking magic spot. It lights a fire in Dean's groin. _Fuck, **always** worth while._

Cas can feel when Dean starts to get into it. Everything relaxes, from the obvious muscles no longer clenched so tightly around his fingers to the muscles under his other hand. Dean sinks to the table and starts pressing back. He lets Dean fuck himself on his fingers for a few minutes before he pulls them out– Dean's breath hitches again- _and fuck is that not the best noise ever?_ – and grabs the bottle of lube. He squirts more out onto Dean's back before setting it down. He draws his fingers through the lube then shoves them back in along with most of a third finger.

" _Fuck."_ Dean hisses in surprise. Why he's surprised he has no idea. This is exactly the kind of shit Cas always pulls when he's in this kind of mood. _Which means..._ Dean breathes in sharply when the third finger gets pushed in the rest of the way, _Yep. You are so predictable Cas and it's fucking awesome._ Dean concentrates on breathing for a moment while he gets used to a third finger which is when he notices that Cas is whistling. "What the fuck are you trying to whistle?"

Cas laughs because he knows he's butchering the song. He sings out the first few lines, "He was a hard-headed man. He was _brutally_ handsome."

"Some days I gotta wonder if you're tone deaf." Deans laughs until Cas withdraws his fingers and gives him a slap to the ass, the sound cracks through the cabin _. That's going to sting later._ Dean thinks but he's pretty sure he doesn't care about how much it'll sting later because right now it feels pretty fucking good.

"And she was terminally pretty." Cas says shoving his fingers back in, still quietly singing. When they start to slide in with ease he takes them out. He leans against Dean's butt rubbing his dick against him while he grabs the lube and flicks the cap open. He squirts some more onto the mess he's made on Dean's back then leans away from Dean to squeeze a line of lube along his cock. Dean squirms under his other hand. He presses his hand down firmly between Dean's shoulders, "Good things come to those who wait."

 _Well at least he stopped singing._ Dean thinks as he's pressed down harder to the table. He hears the bottle of lube snap shut and a few moments later Cas is scooping the puddle of lube off his back trying to work it into him. _Overboard on the lube there Cas._ Dean thinks amused but he doesn't say anything because Cas has stepped closer and the head of his cock is pressing against him. He pushes back and there's the slow stretch of muscle as Cas's dick starts to press in.

Cas had fully intended to go slow but Dean shoves back again and the head of his cock is engulfed into that perfect warm heat. Dean's breath hitches. _My god, if you make that noise one more time I'm going to come._ Cas thinks as he keeps pushing forward. He wipes up the last of the lube on Dean's back with his free hand and reaches around Dean. He finds Dean's cock hanging hard and heavy. _Well I think I can do something about that._ He grips Dean tight and slides his hand down to the base of his dick.

"Oh fuck." Dean's hips snap forward into Cas's hands then slam back onto Cas's cock. Cas holds still for a few moments letting him fuck himself and Cas's hand. When he calms the fuck down Cas starts thrusting along with him. "Oh fuck."

"Agreed." Cas says trying to hold on. _Dean, you always make me come undone._ Cas thinks as he works his hand in time to his thrusts.

Dean is torn between trying to push harder onto Cas's dick or thrust faster into Cas's hand. Cas makes the decision for him, speeding his hand up and slamming his dick in. Dean reaches up to grab the other edge of the table, he just needs to hold onto something. The other hand shoots back to Cas. He grabs Cas's thigh and starts pulling him in harder.

Cas's hips stutter when Dean grabs him. He isn't sure how much longer he can keep this up but if the way Dean is twitching under him is anything to go by he suspects he won't have to much longer. It's not long after and Dean's hips jerk. Cas squeezes Dean's cock a little harder as he comes. Dean's breathe hitches when he does. _Fuck, what did I say about that?_ Cas thinks as his own hips lash forward. He thrusts in once, twice more, and that wicked heat at the base of his cock uncoils. Dean pushes back on him while he comes since his own hips have a mind of their own at the moment.

Dean breathes hard as the last of Cas's orgasm subsides. _Fuck anybody who thought they were going to come in here._ Dean thinks enjoying the easy post orgasm pleasure. _This was so worth scarring someone for life._ He feels boneless. Cas apparently does too because he suddenly drops down on Dean's back sending all the air out of his lungs with an _oompf._ "Dude, you're crushing me."

"Oh." Cas says but doesn't get up.

They lay there awhile breathing and occasionally lazily thrusting back or forward. When Cas starts to soften enough that he might fall out Dean decides it's time to get up. He pushes up a little to encourage Cas to move then looks around. There's nothing to clean up with. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cas _is_ basically stalking him at this point but I've mulled this over long and hard and I think it would be rather angelish behaviour. This is a person that will single-mindedly stand at the side of the road all night to talk to someone in the morning. Once he's decided to do something that's what he's doing.
> 
> But really when you think about it, Cas has always kind of been a creepy stalker angel when it comes to Dean.
> 
> Also I quoted swan song "What would you rather have?" However that Castiel was asking a very different question.


	48. Intent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean does not do feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is related to the chapter [Hellishly intense introspection nightmares](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3754431)
> 
> For those interested I generally post progress on this fanfic here: [Brains for Baby Jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/), as well as what sort of research is going on in relation to this (though be warned there is also a lot of nonsense that goes on there too).

It feels like seconds later when Dean wakes up but its light out so it can't be. He's confused at first as to where he is because it's definitely not his cabin. He sits up and looks around. His eyes stop at the a figure sitting at the table. _Oh right, **Cas**._ Dean thinks as he rotates his stiff shoulder. He glances over at it when it hurts more than usual. There's five angry bruises on the handprint brand where Cas dug his fingers in. He frowns at them and looks back over to Cas. He doesn't know if last night was a one time only deal or if Cas will want to do it that way again, with something behind it other than anger. _Fuck, please let it be more than once._ _Don't give me that and then take it away_. Dean rubs at the back of his neck anxiously. He knows he's being selfish hoping for more. _I'm supposed to be trying to keep him alive this time. If we do that again..._

Cas glances over his shoulder when he hears Dean's breathing change. Dean's sitting up in his bed looking worse for wear. Dean looks like he wants to bolt. Cas isn't surprised. He knows Dean. Dean does not do feelings. _And last night had a lot of those._ Cas thinks still staring at Dean, _It was selfish of me to do that but I wanted it just once_. He breaks eye contact first and sighs. He points at the thigh holster slung over the chair beside him, "I cleaned your gun."

Dean decides in that moment that if he doesn't get to have- **_that_** \- with Cas then he's at least going to mark Cas the way Cas marked him. It's only fair. _You branded my soul you stupid angelic bastard and you didn't even tell me- or ask._ Dean thinks as he lifts up the pillows looking for Cas's blade, _Where the hell do you hide it?_ He checks in the blankets and looks through the night stands. He needs to find that blade. It's the only way Dean can think of to get a hold of Cas's grace and leave something behind.

Cas looks up from the joints he's finishing rolling from last night. Dean is tearing apart the bed and rifling through his nightstands still naked. He's obviously not looking for his clothes because he's just tossed those aside. Cas watches him search frantically for a moment, "Lost something?"

Dean was about to flip the mattress over when Cas spoke up. He realizes he's being an idiot. _Cas always has it strapped to his leg._ Dean remembers, _He always has it within arms reach._ He pads across the cabin to Cas– it's not strapped to his leg. It's not on the table either. "Where's your blade?"

"Why?" Cas asks suspicious. His blade is a piece of him just as much as skin or fingers are pieces of humans. He feels more like the angel he was when it's on his person. The way Dean is asking about it puts him on guard.

"Just...where do you hide it?" Dean asks trying to sound casual. _Right. Casual. I just tore his cabin apart looking for it._ Dean thinks. He glances down at himself, _...naked. Good job Winchester, you sure know how to not look like a psycho._

Cas stares at him for a moment trying to figure out what's going through Dean's head. _I really screwed you up last night._ Cas thinks sadly, _I didn't mean for it to go that far. Not at first._ Cas goes back to rolling joints, "I don't hide it. I keep it on me."

"Oh." Dean says. He gives an awkward shrug and pretends to go grab his clothes. _If it's not in the thigh strap..._ Dean thinks trying to work out where Cas would hide his blade, _Well I'm an idiot._ He almost smacks himself when he realizes where the blade must be. He goes back over to Cas and without warning grabs the blade out of the back of Cas's pants. He goes around to the other side of the table, picking up his knife as he goes. He sits down, his back to Cas.

Cas jumps in his seat when Dean grabs his blade. He's too shocked at first to do anything. His blade is a vestigial piece of his grace and it may one day be all he has left. _I'm kidding myself_. Cas thinks once his mind starts working again, _It **will** be, there's no ifs or maybes about it._ Cas looks over at Dean suspiciously. They may fight. They may yell. They may take their anger out on each other in a myriad of ways but they don't _really_ hurt each other. _If there's anyone who I trust with my grace its you._ Cas thinks but there's still apprehension there, _What are you doing, Dean?_

Dean wedges the blade between his thighs and starts carving into the end of the handle.

"What the hell are you doing!?" Cas yelps. It feels like Dean is scratching a knife against his heart. He can _feel_ it. Whatever Dean is doing, he's doing it with spiritual intent. Cas lunges over the table trying to grab Dean, "That is a piece of me Dean Winchester and you goddamned well know it!"

Dean jerks away when Cas makes a grab for him. Cas is right. He does know it. Cas has told him that his blade is of an angelic nature more than a few times. Cas has explained that it's literally a part of his grace; that's how he used hide it away, he just sort of absorbed it back into himself. _Not anymore though_. Dean thinks. _But it doesn't matter if it means I get to do this._ He hunches over the blade and keeps scratching into it. Dean's barely finished when Cas yanks the blade out of his hands.

Cas holds his blade close to his chest and crosses the room before he inspects it. A small D has been scratched into the end of the handle. He rubs his thumb over it a few times as if he could still smooth it out this way, with a thought and some grace. He glances up at Dean. _Do you even know what you did?_ He can't get his mouth to work. _Do you understand what you just did Dean?_

"You got to brand my soul." Dean says, "I get to brand your grace."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before anyone asks: No, this is not a "profound bond" moment it's more like Dean just tattooed his name to Cas's butt in his sleep. It has _some_ repercussions (which if you read the chapter Every little bit hurts or Vorpal you'll know what I mean) but they aren't, and won't be, magically hooked up to each other's minds or anything like that.


	49. I won't say it ever again.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas is sitting there in one of Dean's crappy old Metallica t-shirts, Dean's ratty work jeans, and Dean's green jacket looking like someone just massacred every puppy in a fifty mile radius right in front of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is related to the chapter [Hellishly intense introspection nightmares](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3754431)
> 
> For those interested I generally post progress on this fanfic here: [Brains for Baby Jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/), as well as what sort of research is going on in relation to this (though be warned there is also a lot of nonsense that goes on there too).

"Well then tell me Dean, what _did_ you mean?" Castiel asks because he's had enough trying to fathom would else Dean could have possibly meant other then _Leave_.

"Cas...." Dean sighs. He pinches the bridge of his nose. "Why do you have to take everything so damn literal?"

Castiel narrows his eyes in anger. "How else would I take that?"

Dean laughs because some days he forgets just what Cas is. He shakes his head, "Yeah, good point. How else would _you_ take anything?"

Castiel clenches his fists as actual _physical_ anger spreads through him. _This body is ridiculous._ Castiel thinks as he half heartedly tries to clear out chemicals from his bloodstream and calm the nerve impulses that are, for the second time today, threatening to overwhelm him. Dean breaks out in another fit of laughter. Now his grace agrees with his body: anger is the best solution to this problem. "Stop laughing at me and tell me Dean!"

Dean freezes, Cas used his commanding Angel of the Lord voice. Unless it's life or death- or what happened a couple of hours ago- Cas doesn't use that voice _. Fuck, I'm sorry Cas. I know this has to be pretty fucking hard on you too._ Dean looks away and rubs at the back of his neck.

"You have to tell me Dean. I don't understand." Castiel says trying to calm down after his outburst. "And I won't understand if you don't tell me."

Dean hangs his head. _You make everything twice as hard as it should be._ Dean thinks letting out a long breath. "Cas....okay look, if you're that upset about it I won't say it again. Ever."

"I am not looking for reparations Dean." Castiel says quietly as his sudden anger dies just as quickly as it had surfaced. Dean is trying at least but he's completely missed the point. For once it's Dean that doesn't understand. It's almost amusing but the vague amusement doesn't last long. The past few weeks have been taxing and today has been by far the worst. _If I'm this terrible at being mortal what will it be like when I'm nearly human?_ Castiel wonders looking down at his hands. He can feel the steady rush of blood in his fingertips. It's been weeks and he still isn't used to it, "I just....I want to understand. I almost left because I didn't understand."

Dean turns around, Cas had sounded gut wrenchingly miserable just now. _And he looks it too._ Dean thinks when he finally looks his friend over. Cas is sitting there in one of Dean's crappy old Metallica t-shirts, Dean's ratty work jeans, and Dean's blue jacket looking like someone just massacred every puppy in a fifty mile radius right in front of him. "You almost left? As in **_Left_** left?"

"You told me to. You said, _just go_." Castiel says looking up at him. "You said you didn't want anything from me and asked me why I thought anyone would want me here."

"Cas..." Dean lets out a long sorry sigh. Cas might as well have just punched him in the nuts. It'd probably hurt less. _Okay, well maybe that's pushing it._ Dean thinks as he plunks down in the chair beside Cas, _But the dude really knows how to throw his emotional baggage around._ He rubs at his neck again trying to put what happened into words. _I was a fucking idiot._ Comes to mind but he knows that isn't the answer Cas is looking for. _How the hell do I explain this?_

Castiel watches Dean rub at the back of his neck. He's beginning to worry that Dean is going to tell him to just toughen up or act like a hunter or one of the other innumerable things humans say so that they don't have to explain themselves. "Please Dean, for once, just tell me."


	50. Baby, don't be mad at me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas sighs, nothing is ever good when Dean just volunteers the information. He kicks his shoes off and turns around, "What's wrong?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is a Peggy Lee song that I find delightfully discordant sounding (about half way through) with the tone of this chapter, although the lyrics work nicely.
> 
> This is related to the chapter [Hellishly intense introspection nightmares](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3754431)
> 
> For those interested I generally post progress on this fanfic here: [Brains for Baby Jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/), as well as what sort of research is going on in relation to this (though be warned there is also a lot of nonsense that goes on there too).

Cas sits down on the edge of the bed to take his shoes off. He can feel Dean sliding away behind him. Cas looks over his shoulder. He shoots Dean a puzzled look, "What?"

"Nothing." Dean says. Cas is giving him the squinty eyes. He hurriedly adds, "Everything's good. Peachy."

Cas sighs, nothing is ever good when Dean just volunteers the information. He kicks his shoes off and turns around, "What's wrong?"

"Who said anything was wrong? Everything's good." Dean says as if he'll convince himself if he says it enough.

Cas reaches out to run a comforting hand down Dean. Dean flinches under his touch. Cas wrenches his hand back. His eyes go wide in shock. _No. You weren't then. You can't be now. You said you were okay._ That pain he was feeling in his chest today flares up again. Cas hesitantly reaches out a second time. Dean pulls away. Cas let's his hand fall to the bed, "Dean...?"

Dean shakes his head. _I can't do this right now Cas._ Dean thinks, _Just let me get some sleep first. Get the hint and take a walk or something._ Dean rolls over, putting his back to Cas.

"Dean...what...?" Cas starts to reach out again but stops himself. He grabs a fistful of blanket to stop himself from trying.

"It's nothing." Dean says staring at the wall.

Cas comes closer. Dean edges away. Cas is sure this is what it feels like to have your heart broken. "Dean...?"

"It's nothing." Dean says again. Cas sets a hand lightly on his back. A repulsed shiver snakes through him like poison. He sits up abruptly putting some space between them.

 _No. **This** is what it feels like to have your heart broken._ Cas thinks as he watches Dean scramble away from him. "You're afraid of me."

"I am not." Dean retorts. _What am I? Four?_ Dean thinks disgusted. Cas looks like he's going to move closer. Dean leans away.

Cas sits frozen to the spot watching him sadly.

"Fuck! Okay!" Dean can't take the sad blue eyes staring at him, "You kind of freaked me out today! Happy now?"

"Why?" Cas asks confused. _I saved you. They were going to shoot you. I saved you today._ Cas thinks. He doesn't know what's wrong about that. _Dean does so much for those he calls family. Why can't I do the same?_

"You just _massacred_ a bunch of people for one fucking guy." Dean says sharply. _How can he not know why?_ Dean thinks. _How can he think today was okay?_ He stares at Cas trying to figure out this unknowable fucking creature he shares a bed with.

"That one fucking guy was **you**." Cas retorts. He shakes his head. _Why do you always think you don't deserved to be saved?_

 _That just makes it worse._ Dean thinks, _I started the apocalypse._ He doesn't say anything because he doesn't know what to say. _What do you say to the thing that just killed twenty-four people and doesn't care?_

Cas narrows his eyes at him trying to understand. Death is such a common place thing in their lives these days. He doesn't understand why the deaths today are any more significant then any previously. "Why was today any different than the _plethora_ of croats and demons I've killed protecting you?"

"Because Cas, they were _people_. Those guys were just doing their job. They had families to go home to." Dean says. _It's like that first year he walked into that barn._ Dean thinks, _He doesn't get it. He just saw a threat and out comes the angel blade. He probably would have burned their eyes out if he still could_.

"They were going to shoot you." Cas says simply. As far as he's concerned that's the only relevant point in this argument.

"They were human fucking beings, Cas." Dean snaps.

"Croats and demons were human once too." Cas says staring intently at Dean. _Why is Dean being so... **naive** about this?_ Cas wonders. _If it were one or two people he wouldn't care. He's done it himself. Why does the quantity in one day matter?_ Cas cautiously reaches his hand out. Relief fills him when his hand settles on Dean's knee and Dean doesn't flinch or pull away. "Those soldiers would have killed you just as dead as a croat or a demon."

"You are _such a fucking **angel**."_ Dean says in an exasperated huff. He runs his hand through his hair and lets out a long breath. His hands fall to his lap. He shakes his head. "Some days I forget you're just a walking weapon."

Cas pulls back at the quiet revulsion in Dean's voice. He stares at Dean while his chest caves in. There's a sting in his eyes that's threatening tears. He breathes deep. _I will not cry about this._ Cas thinks trying to will himself to be the angel that Dean thinks he is, _I am not going to shed a single fucking tear._

Dean looks up when Cas doesn't say anything. _Oh no._ Dean can see the hurt in Cas's face. Sure he might be having a bit of a freak out about today but what he just said? What he just called Cas? _That shit isn't acceptable. Even I fucking know that....then why did I say it?_

"That's what you think? I'm just a fucking angel? Solider of Heaven? Weapon of God?" Cas says quietly. He reaches under his pillow and snatches up his blade. He throws it at Dean's lap, " _That's_ all I am?"

Dean puts his hands out to catch the blade before it hits him. He catches it and sets it down beside him. He tries to take back what he said, "Cas...I didn't mean it like that."

"Oh, you didn't?" Cas mocks. It's better to feel angry than it is to feel hurt, "Maybe you should."

"Come on Cas." Dean reaches out to him this time. His hand is batted away, "Cas. Don't turn this into something it's not."

"I'm not turning it into anything Dean. It's true. It's entirely true." Cas seethes at him. He jabs an angry finger at his blade, "One day that will be all that's left of my grace. Everything about me, who I am, it will be reduced to **_that_**. _"_

"What?" Dean glances at the blade beside him.

"What? You never noticed? An angel dies, their grace goes up in flames, and what's left behind? What they are. Their weapon." Cas says. He turns away from Dean and starts pulling his shoes back on. _Dean's afraid of me._ Cas thinks as he ties his shoes up, _Dean thinks I'm just a weapon. He's right. No wonder why he's afraid of me._ He stands up and starts for the door, "You're right Dean. You were always right. Angels, we're just hammers waiting for orders."

"Cas." Dean jumps off the bed and follows him. He grabs his arm trying to make him stop but Cas just keeps on going. He holds on and tries to dig his heels in but it doesn't stop Cas. He gets dragged along with him, "Cas. _God **damn**_ it Cas! You always make everything about _you!"_

Cas peels Dean's fingers off his jacket easily then pulls the door open. He heads out into the cool night air. He's followed by a string of obscenities from the Dean.

"You are _such_ an angel!" Dean shouts at him from the steps of their cabin. "Such a goddamned fucking angel!"

Cas flips him off as he walks into the dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Cas's line about angels dying and leaving only a weapon behind is actually something that really bothers me about the show because it happens all the time. There's just something incredibly depressing about that. They die and what's left behind? The thing they use to kill and it can just keep on killing. The implications of that disturb me.
> 
> A few hours previously this happened: [Linger In My Arms A Little Longer](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1563353/chapters/4067655).
> 
> About fifteen minutes later this occurs: [I Don't Know Enough About You](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1563353/chapters/4213176)


	51. Hell was made in Heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You'd think after four years you'd get what it means to be human."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloween
> 
> This is related to the chapter [Hellishly intense introspection nightmares](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3754431)
> 
> For those interested I generally post progress on this fanfic here: [Brains for Baby Jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/), as well as what sort of research is going on in relation to this (though be warned there is also a lot of nonsense that goes on there too).

Dean watches him roll the last joint. _We can't get anyone to trade with us for food but they practically give away pot._ Dean thinks and he isn't sure if it's funny or disgusting. He sets his drink down and rubs his eyes. They've been going over the numbers for the last two hours. They're low on– well everything. So life as usual. He looks Cas up and down. Cas is looking more human every day but he doesn't fool Dean. "You'd think after four years you'd get what it means to be human."

Cas rolls his eyes, "You always say that like there's some big secret."

"Well you obviously haven't figured it out." Dean says leaning back into his chair. _I don't think anyone ever really does but you..._ Dean wishes it could have been different, _But then you'd **really** never get what it means to be human. You'd still be an angel with a stick up your ass._

"Of course I have." Cas says then licks the paper. He presses along the edge sealing it then sticks it behind his ear.

"Oh yeah? Care to enlighten me?" Dean says. _You sure got our bad habits down pat._ Dean thinks coldly. He grabs his glass of whiskey off the table, his own bad habit.

Cas grins at him before answering, "Pee before you get in the car or have sex because you're not stopping the car and it takes _forever_ to pee when you're hard."

Dean shakes his head.

Cas chuckles at him. _Oh come on Dean._ _There is no secret. Being human is just this. Living._ Cas thinks as he pockets his rolling supplies. He sits back and digs around in his pocket for his lighter. _It's not my fault that living is just pain and death these days. I wanted it to be something else but you wouldn't let me have it._

"You're never going to get it, are you?" Dean says watching him light the joint.

Cas shrugs at the contempt in Dean's voice. He's used to it now even if it does still bother him it doesn't sting like it used to.

Dean finishes off his drink and sets the glass down. His eyes flick over to Cas and harden, "You joke and you talk and you shrug like it doesn't matter because you learned it all from me and some how you _still_ missed the fucking point."

"Oh, so _you're_ the authority now on what it means to be human?" Cas says trying to muster up just as much disdain that Dean used on him.

"When it comes to you? Yeah." Dean says. He reaches over and plucks the joint from Cas's lips. _How did it come down to this?_ Dean wonders while taking a slow drag, _How did it come down to us hating each other this way when we're all that we have left?_

Cas glares at him. He stands abruptly and heads for the door because Dean is right. The only person he wants to call him human is Dean. The only person that can deem him worthy of humanity is Dean. The only reason he tries to be human is Dean. _Why do I still come here and let you get under my skin?_ Cas thinks angrily, _Why can't you just be Dean instead of the Fearless Leader?_ He stops when he realizes Dean still has his joint. He goes back for it, plucking it from Dean's lips the way he did to him. He glares down at Dean, "You really can be an asshole you know."

"But I'm still a _human_ asshole." Dean says blowing a trail of smoke at him, "You're just a dick without wings."

Cas lets out an angry snort, "And yet here we are Fearless Leader, both in the same Hell."


	52. Sophie's Choice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wish I were an angel again. It was so much simpler when I wasn't one of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is related to the chapter [Hellishly intense introspection nightmares](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3754431)
> 
> For those interested I generally post progress on this fanfic here: [Brains for Baby Jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/), as well as what sort of research is going on in relation to this (though be warned there is also a lot of nonsense that goes on there too).

Bethany watches him pass out guns. When he's done she pulls him down into a kiss, "You're _still_ too tall to kiss good."

"Maybe you're too short." Cas chuckles but it falls flat. _How can I laugh when the others are all dead?_ Cas thinks as he runs a hand up her back. He tries to force himself to remember that while the others may have died, Dean and Bethany have not. _Even if Dean keeps leaving._

"I'm five feet of fun." Bethany says as she slips something into his jacket pocket. "You couldn't handle any more than that."

Cas puts a hand to the pocket. There's a tape.

"The Clash." Bethany tells him pulling his jacket straight. "We're listening to that tonight. I like Led Zeppelin as much as the next girl but boy do we ever still have a way to go to expand your horizons."

Cas gives her a soft smile then grabs the map from the back of the truck. The two of them head over to the little huddle of people in the park. Bethany gently bumping into him as they walk, a subtle reminder that yes, there are still people important to him who are alive.

They reach the picnic table where everyone is waiting. Cas goes to stand in the space they've left empty for him at the head of the table. He spreads the map out, "Group A is going with me, we'll be at Stone and Main checking out the pharmacy. Bronson you're heading Group B, I want you to look at the garage on Oak Ridge Heights. Dave you have Group C, there's a sporting goods store on Vinge. The park is our meet up. Be back here in two hours. No matter what you find. Any questions?"

Dave raises his hand. "I really think you should be calling your lot C crew. I'm more than willing to swap names."

Cas gives him a look. He isn't sure how this is relevant to the mission. He's almost about to remind Dave they have limited time but Dave cuts him off.

"Aw come on, I just want to be able to say I was on the A Team." Dave pleads with mock sincerity. "I'll even let Bethany be Mr T."

Cas laughs, "Sure."

The groups divide, everyone knows their job. Bronson's group heads off first. Dave's is the next to split off but Bethany lingers, "You know, you don't need to keep doing this...and you probably shouldn't."

Cas stares at her for a moment feeling guilty. _I'm doing to her exactly what I hate Dean doing to me. Over protecting._ Cas thinks as he looks down at his feet. He knows he's unfairly sending her over others to places and on routes that are safer. "Bethany...after everything...I can't send you into danger."

"Cas, it's the end of the world, everything's dangerous." Bethany says trying to be gentle about it. It only makes it worse and she knows why. Everyone knows why. She slips her hands into his jacket, "Hey, it wasn't your fault."

Cas doesn't say anything. _It was. I should have checked before hand._ Cas thinks dejected, _I know my grace is failing and I didn't check._

Bethany wraps her arms around him, "Yeah, I miss him too. He was my friend for a good long while."

Cas hesitates for a moment before hugging back. _It's strange how physical contact eases the pain._ Cas thinks and pulls her in tighter.

Bethany lets go and looks over her shoulder. The rest of her group is waiting impatiently for her, "Alright, I gotta go set Dave straight, everyone knows I'm Murdoch."

Cas lets her go and watches her jog over to the others. He watches them for a few moments before he heads back to the truck to put away the map. He rejoins his group at the picnic table. "Ready?"

Before anyone can answer there's shouting and gunfire. Cas waits. It may just be a minor mishap. There's more shouting and gunfire. Bronson's group comes running back down the street they just went up, a mob of croats following close after them. Those around Cas tear off across the park to help.

Cas is just about to fly in and start shooting when he hears gunfire and shouting, and a strangled yell of pain from around the corner down the next street. The street he just sent Bethany to. Cas immediately understands the meaning of blood running cold. He stops, frozen to the spot. There's more people in Bronson's group and they have one of their two mechanics. There are fewer people in Dave's group, none of which have any skills that are not easily replaceable.

 _I wish I were an angel again. It was so much simpler when I wasn't one of them._ He thinks as his head swivels between Bronson's group and where Bethany is. Bronson's group would maximize lives saved. It makes the most sense, but Bethany...

_Who am I supposed to save?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Can't stop it](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1563353/chapters/4518156) happens immediately after this chapter.


	53. Ease my troubled mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean watches the cracks in Cas form right before his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I had to pick a soundtrack for this chapter it would be Trouble in My Way - Foghat
> 
> This is related to the chapter [Hellishly intense introspection nightmares](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3754431)
> 
> For those interested I generally post progress on this fanfic here: [Brains for Baby Jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/), as well as what sort of research is going on in relation to this (though be warned there is also a lot of nonsense that goes on there too).

"What good am I if I can't fly!?"

This has been a long time coming. Dean isn't surprised by it all. He's been waiting for this all week. _No, I've been waiting for this since he told me he went mortal._ Cas is staring at him, wild-eyed, from behind tears. Dean sits down on the bed. "Cas you've always been more than just the dude who can fly."

"Have I? What am I then Dean?" Cas demands wiping away tears and snot and from his face with his sleeve. "What good am I on a mission? What do I do? I don't know what to do. Just tell me what to do, Dean!"

Dean takes a good long look at Cas. _Jesus christ, you're just about ready to break right the hell down._ Dean thinks as he watches the cracks in Cas form right before his eyes. _What do **you** do? How about what am **I** supposed to do? How do I fix this?_ His mind scrambles for an answer. _If I tell him we'll figure something out he's going to fall apart right in front of me._ Dean realizes but Cas is already falling apart right in front of him, _He just wants someone to tell him what to do next. Don't we all._ It takes Dean a moment to realize that he's already figured out how to start fixing this, _Okay. I can do that._ Dean leans over and digs through the drawer of his nightstand. He takes out what might as well be an arcane magical instrument as far as Cas is concerned. He motions for Cas to come and sit beside him. Cas shuffles over after a few seconds of hesitation. Dean starts dragging the black comb through Cas's hair, "Alright, here's what we're going to do. First we're gonna comb your fucking hair."

Cas laughs softly through the tears. He pulls his sleeve down to wipe at his eyes again.

Dean works out a few knots before he continues, "Then we're hauling our shit out back and doing some fucking laundry."

Cas smiles sadly. He slides a hand over Dean's leg and grips it tight.

"And then we're going to eat dinner, _and you **are** going eat_ , and then we're gonna go to bed because laundry takes goddamned forever these days." Dean says trying to be gentle with a particularly unruly knot _. It's like he does it on purpose_. Dean marvels at the mess Cas calls hair. He takes a quick look at Cas's face. Cas looks like he's at least a little less likely to jump off a bridge.

"...then?" Cas asks quietly. He feels shattered but the pieces left over don't feel so jagged as Dean talks.

"Well maybe- horror of horrors- we'll comb your hair again tomorrow." Dean says still working at knots, "Then I'm going to head over to the HQ and get Risa squared up to do a run and you're going to read-" Dean casts a glance at the books on the shelf, he's careful not to pick something Kim or James might have suggested, "The Left Hand of Darkness and when I get back you're going to tell me about how much sense it makes to not have a gender most of the time."

Cas looks at him confused.

"You'll get it when you read it." Dean says still working the comb. _I'm gonna be here all day just combing his dumb hair._ Dean thinks fondly. "And I'm pretty sure you'll think the Karhiders got it right."

Cas looks over at the bookshelf. He looks back at Dean. He can feel all the pain pressing down on him again, "That's it? Read a book and tell you about it?"

"You want me to tell you what to do." Dean says watching Cas carefully from the corner of his eye, "Well that's what I want you to do."

Cas looks away and slumps down. _I'm being babied._ Cas thinks as the pain in his chest springs anew, _I really am that useless if I can't fly._

" _Hey."_ Dean says grabbing his chin when he sees Cas starting to spiral down into the void he's been living in since this happened, "You want to hear what you're not allowed to do? You're not allowed to crawl back into bed and you're not allowed to starve yourself either. You're going to eat. You're going to change your fucking clothes at least once this week and you're going to come eat with everyone else when you do."

Cas pulls away.

"Hey! You wanted someone to tell you what to do. _Well I'm **telling** you, Cas."_ Dean grabs him and pulls him back. Cas doesn't fight it or shrug him off even though he could but he does start to shake. Dean wraps his arms around him, "We're just going to start slow, alright? I'll tell you when you can go a bit faster."

It takes awhile but Cas stops shaking. He stares at the blankets on the bed over Dean's shoulder. They really do need to be washed. He takes a few deep breaths and looks up at Dean, "Alright."

"Good." Dean says slowly letting Cas go. He goes back to combing Cas's hair. _Dude needs a haircut like yesterday._ He glances down when Cas sets a hand on each of his legs and holds on like his life depends on it. It hurts like hell because Cas never goddamn remembers how strong he is but Dean doesn't say anything.

Cas sits still. What's left of his grace tries to spark in joy at having clear and concise orders but there's not much left so it splutters and falls flat. He grips Dean's legs tighter. He focuses on breathing as Dean tugs the comb through his hair. _Well, at least I know what to do now_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Left Hand of Darkness is a book you should read. Read this book. Do it. Really. You should.
> 
> This chapter is followed by [It tastes like ash](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1563353/chapters/3584654)


	54. Make it count

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _One..._  
>  _Two..._  
>  _Three..._  
>  _Four..._  
>  Drip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is related to [Early rising is a vice](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3843199)

_One..._

_Two..._

_Three..._

_Four..._

Drip

_One..._

_Two..._

_Three..._

_Four..._

Drip.

Kim cracks his cabin door open and pokes her head in. She watches Cas standing still staring at the ceiling for a moment before coming inside. She stops beside him and looks up, "What're we staring at?"

Castiel waits a beat. The water droplet falls from the ceiling on schedule and splashes to the floor. "That."

"I thought you fixed it." Kim says looking at the little puddle that's formed below the drip.

"I did. This is a new one." Castiel says. He looks around his cabin for something to place under the leak. He spots a tall glass on the windowsill. Cas goes over, still counting off the seconds between drips, grabs the glass, and has it under the leak just as the next droplet falls. "I think that squirrel came back. Dean was right. I should have just killed it."

"It would have made for an interesting dinner. I hear squirrel's not half bad." Kim says finally taking her eyes away from the puddle. She watches Cas watch the drip for a moment, "Dean sent me over to tell you they're leaving in twenty and to make it count."

Cas rolls his eyes, "As though I don't know that. Not only can I keep perfect time, I do have a clock."

"Hon, it's his not so subtle way of saying he thinks you should do the deed before heading out." Kim chuckles as the insulted look disappears.

" _Oh_." Cas says. He can feel his heart rate increase ever so slightly at the suggestion of sex. A shadow of a smile plays on his face. He still finds it amusing that his body reacts this way when not being physically stimulated.

"He thinks you're less anxious after." Kim explains.

"Anxious?" Castiel asks confused. _I'm not anxious when we go out._ He wonders if he's developed nervous habits that he hasn't recognized as such.

Kim shrugs, "If you ask me, he's talking about his own problems."

"...yes...I think he was doing that last night while I was asking for advice about James and Bethany." Cas says thoughtfully. _What do you think you screwed up Dean?_ He wonders thinking back on it. Lately Dean has been alluding quite often to having made a significant mistake but he won't say what it is. Cas thinks he knows anyway, _You didn't screw this up, my brothers did and you're trying your best to make things right even though it's not your fault. It's mine._

"That why they're both going out?" Kim asks watching Cas get lost in thought, "It was Dean's idea?"

Cas narrows his eyes at the table as he pushes Dean from his thoughts. He looks back to Kim, "....yes....do you think it's....safe to do so?"

Kim thinks it over, "Probably. I think they're just caught up in a little tiff. Andrew says they always argue like this but it never stops them from being friends."

Cas let's out a relieved breath, "Good. I was worried I had done something."

"I doubt it's you, even if they do try to drag you into it." Kim says smiling a little as Cas's head tilts off to one side.

Cas wonders why he didn't talk to Kim before. She's well acquainted with Bethany's brother and, while she may not understand all of it, she's the one person outside of Dean and Bobby to know he's not human. Really it would have made the most sense to ask her rather than to press Dean for answers. He just felt more... _comfortable_ asking Dean.

"So..." Kim steps in closer when Cas goes quiet. She runs a hand along his belt, "...are we going to make use of those twenty minutes?"

Cas's stomach twitches a little when her fingers graze skin sending a very welcome shiver through him. He slides his hands under her shirt, trailing one hand up and down her spine the way she likes, "It's closer to fifteen now, but I think we can make it count."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...I left this without smut. I don't mind writing smut that's Dean/other or Cas/other (or Cas/other **s** ) but I've noticed it doesn't seem to go over well much of the time with this fandom. So, thoughts? Other smut? No other smut?
> 
> This chapter is preceded by [What is anyone supposed to do?](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1563353/chapters/3752929)


	55. Don't do that

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They can't keep it a secret anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is related to [Early rising is a vice](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3843199)

Someone is yelling. He suspects they're yelling at him. He would be more inclined to care if he wasn't currently in hot blinding pain. This is the first time he's been shot since he's become mortal. He stumbles around the corner and slumps against the brick wall of the bank. The only thing keeping him alive is his ever weakening grace. _This hurts almost as much as becoming mortal._ Cas thinks as his vision starts to go black at the edges and the noises around him seem to fade. _Why does everything about being mortal have to hurt so much?_

His grace is taking too long to heal naturally. He presses his hand to his chest and heals himself the way he would others. He manages to heal the simple parts of the wound, closing up the entry and exit of the bullets. It's enough. His grace renews its focus on the potentially lethal condition of his heart.

He stops the nerve impulses telling him to breath and his heart to beat and lets his grace work to keep him alive. It's an unsettling feeling as his pulverized heart is rebuilt, it sloshes and twitches in his chest. He can feel it when it's built anew, it fills the empty space back up. The nerve damage to his spinal column and lungs are suddenly attacked by his grace with a renewed vigour. He reaches up to his chest again and heals what minor internal bleeding he can.

His vision and hearing are still fading but there's no point in breathing before his grace has finished mending his lungs. When he feels the blood being cleared from his lungs at last he lets go of his hold and gasps for breath. His senses start to clear up. His grace finishes healing the sensitive nerves and structure of his spine. He looks up to see Dean, Bethany, and James running towards him. The entire excruciating experience must have taken less than five minutes.

He stands straight as the others come to a stop in front of him. James and Bethany crowd around, pressing at the bloody spot where the bullets entered, trying to slow bleeding that's long since stopped. Dean is standing behind them watching. He stares back waiting to see what to do. _We can't explain this by any human means, Dean. Everyone saw._

Dean gives a slight nod of his head. They can't keep it a secret anymore. They're pinned here as long as that guy with the deadeye shot is out there and neither of them can make up a plausible excuse as to why Cas isn't dead. Dean grabs James and Bethany and pulls them back. He gives Cas another nod motioning towards their hit-man, "Go deal with it."

James whirls around, jerking his arm out of Dean's grasp, "Go deal with it!?"

Bethany elbows Dean in the gut and jumps back to Cas.

Dean grunts in pain but he gives James a shove backward and grabs Bethany again. "He'll be _fine_. Let him deal with it."

"Fine!?" James gives Dean a shove back, "He was just shot in the chest!"

Dean swears and shakes his head a little. _How are we going to explain this?_ He lets them go. James and Bethany both dart towards Cas again but come up short when Cas disappears before their eyes.

Cas flies to the abandoned vehicle the shooter is hiding in. He makes quick work of him with his blade. This isn't the first human they've come across that is just as deadly as demons or croats. He wipes his blade clean and slides it back into his thigh strap. He flies back to Dean, "He was in the grey vehicle in front of the convenience store. We may want to return later and see if he was guarding something worthwhile."

Bethany stagers like she might collapse. James steadies her. They stare at Cas wide eyed.

Cas looks to Dean. _Do we tell them here? Or back at camp?_ He wonders as he meets Dean's eyes, _The others must have been watching from the windows._ _We can't simply swear Bethany and James to secrecy the way we did Kim._ Cas runs a hand along the handle of his blade trying to calm himself. He feels exposed. He's hidden behind the lie that he's human for almost a year. People accept him as that lie. _Will people still accept me when they know I'm not one of them?_

Dean grabs James and Bethany and pushes them towards the building where the others are hiding, "Get moving, tell everyone to pack up. Croats will be on our asses soon."

James and Bethany don't move.

"Go!" Dean shouts at them, "You want to get torn up by croats after all this?"

They flinch but they start moving, a few confused glances over their shoulders as they do.

"Fuck." Dean swears as he watches them go. He pinches the bridge of his nose. _What the hell are we gonna tell them?_ He tries to come up with a good explanation but, _Everything sounds like a bad scifi movie._ He closes his eyes for a moment before he turns and looks Cas over. "You healed up?"

"Yes." Cas says. He puts a hand to the bloody holes in his shirt. His chest is tender. He presses down and sends a little burst of healing grace at it to make sure. "Dean...what do we do? Do we...they saw. What do we say?"

"I dunno." Dean rubs at his face. _Yeah. They saw. So did I._ Dean thinks, _You scared the shit out of me._ Dean is caught up in the memory of that first day when Cas went mortal. Cas told him he could be killed by things other than angel blades. _Thank fucking god chest shots aren't on the list- yet- of shit that will kill you._

Cas looks over as the others start to come out of the building they were using as cover. They don't approach. _Some of them have seen demons before._ Cas realizes, _Do they think I'm a demon?_

"Alright, you go ahead and tell Bobby what happened. He'll figure something out." Dean says. _And he'll be pissed I'm dumping this problem on him._ Dean thinks ruefully, _Well, the cranky old bastard needs something to keep him occupied._ Dean's eyes linger on the bloody stains on Cas's clothes. That bone deep fear he had felt watching it happen sets back in. He grabs Cas's arm before he takes off back to camp, "Cas?"

Cas glances down at Dean's hand on his arm. He follows the line of Dean's arm up until he meets his eyes, "Yes?"

Dean digs his fingers in tighter, "Don't ever do that again."

Cas reaches out and softly brushes his hand along Dean's arm coming to a stop on his shoulder. He squeezes it gently, "I hadn't planned on it."

Dean nods, "Right, let's go."


	56. Ridiculous Demands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He doesn't need to keep laying around camp taking it easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is related to [Early rising is a vice](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3843199)

Dean holds the pair of sandals up, "Heather said you should still be wearing the sandals."

Cas glares at him. It's been a month and a half. It's been long enough. He doesn't need to keep laying around camp taking it easy.

Dean shoves the sandals at him with a look that clearly says, _You are wearing them and that's final._

"I'm not wearing them." Cas says when he sees the look on Dean's face.

"On. Now." Dean says dropping the sandals to the floor. He nudges them towards Cas's bare feet with his own foot.

"No." Cas says and eyes his boots. Dean is standing between him and his boots.

Dean sees Cas's eyes slide by him. He turns around, snatches up Cas's boots, and tosses them out the door.

" _Dean_." Cas hisses. He can feel his face going warm with anger. He clenches his jaw.

"Wear the damn sandals." Dean points down to them sharply.

Cas glares and reaches for his jacket. He'll gladly go out and get his boots barefoot if he has to.

Dean grabs him and pushes him down into a chair. He grabs the tensor bandage off the shelf, and pulls another chair over. He had been willing to let Cas get away without putting the tensor bandage on but if he's going to act like a giant baby then Dean's going to treat him like one. He takes Cas's leg and wedges it between his knees. Cas is glaring at him fit to kill, "Oh, don't be such a baby."

Cas watches dejectedly as Dean quickly wraps his foot up, then to add insult to injury Dean leans down and grabs the sandal and slips it on. Cas lets out a long defeated breath, "I'm sick of being stuck here. I hate _healing_."

Dean wipes his hand over his face, "Tell me about it."

Cas opens his mouth to do just that but is cut off by Dean.

"Don't get all angel literal." Dean says putting a hand up. Cas has been going stir crazy the last few weeks and Dean's the lucky son of a bitch who gets to deal with it. It was awesome at first having Cas stuck in the cabin because he'd get bored which inevitably lead to a whole lot of sex whenever Dean came home. Now it just leads to Cas pouting about how much he hates having to heal the old fashioned way. "Look, I get that it sucks but what would you rather do? Listen to Heather and get back out in a couple more weeks or screw it up and be stuck on your butt in camp for _another_ two months?"

Cas clenches his jaw and doesn't say anything because he'd rather his stupid foot just finish healing already.

"Exactly. So don't be such a big angelic baby about it." Dean says setting Cas's foot down. He grabs the other foot and puts that sandal on too before Cas gets it in his head to just take the first one off and go barefoot after his boots.

"I could just fly everywhere." Cas grumps.

"Yeah, and then you'll tire yourself out and probably get shot when you start popping up behind people around camp." Dean says seriously. _That's all I need. Cas playing angel whack-a-mole with a bunch of twitchy survivors._ He thinks pinching the bridge of his nose, _I wouldn't put it past him at this rate either._ The look on Cas's face tells him he might actually try it. He runs his hands over Cas's legs, "Cas, just wear the damn sandals for a couple more weeks and don't start flying all over the damn place startling everyone in camp."

"I don't see why it matters. I fly when we're outside of camp." Cas grouses. Dean gives him another don't-mess-with-my-ridiculous-demands look followed by the you're-not-just hurting-yourself look. That last one always gets him. Cas turns his head, pointedly looking away, "....fine....but I still hate it."

Dean lets out a quick laugh. He shakes his head. He gives Cas's knee a pat, "Come on, we gotta go tell everyone what they already know: croats and demons and scavengers, oh my."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Cas's broken foot, I've decided it's a stress fracture. Which is my reasoning as to why he has the sandals on in The End. Hard flat-bottomed shoes are what's recommended for the kind of stress fracture I went with. And why a stress fracture? Cas is putting an ad space salesman's body through some pretty rigorous activities with just his failing grace to make up for any physical deficits. It catches up to him eventually. 
> 
> After I decided on a stress fracture I found out the particular kind of fracture I had decided on happens to also be called a March Fracture since it's common in soldiers. The coincidence makes me smile a little.


	57. 4g of Protein

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas slumps down on a box exhausted. He rests his elbows on his knees and holds his head for a moment. He's had a headache for the last three days. Whether it's from stress or hunger he doesn't know but neither is going to stop anytime soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is related to [Early rising is a vice](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3843199)

Castiel flies in and freezes. He waits and listens. Nothing moves. He pushes a chair over. It clatters to the ground. Nothing springs up to attack him. Nothing growls and snarls in the back. He takes a deep breath- the cold hurts his lungs- and starts searching the roadside diner. He avoids the fridge and the walk in freezer, two years without electricity will not a pretty sight nor smell make, even if it is the dead of winter.

The cupboards are bare except for one chewed upon four pound bag of sugar. Everything else is scattered on the floor with suspicious splatters on it, eaten by mice, or frozen and rotted. Castiel finds some plastic wrap and goes back for the sugar. He covers the hole in the bag. He stuffs the plastic wrapped sugar into the backpack he brought. He's spent the last two days searching in ever widening circles from camp for anything remotely edible. This is the first thing he's found. They had picked this area clean in the fall.

Cas slumps down on a box exhausted. He rests his elbows on his knees and holds his head for a moment. He's had a headache for the last three days. Whether it's from stress or hunger he doesn't know but neither is going to stop anytime soon. He takes his gloves off. He rubs at his head for a moment before digging into his jacket pocket for the bottle of Adderall he took with him. He pours out a handful. He picks out the immediate release tablets and swallows them. He rubs at his head again. He looks down at the extended release capsules left in his hand. He claps his hand to his mouth and swallows those too. He sits on the box and waits for the effects to kick in.

He rubs at the pounding throb in his head. _I can't do this anymore. I can't keep going back empty handed._ Cas presses the heel of his palm to the bridge of his nose when a sharp pain flares up there. The pounding doesn't stop. _I can risk another night out._ _There's only been the one croat._ He leans back, letting his head tilt backward towards the wall. It wouldn't be so bad if he weren't the only one who could get out of camp. Everyone is depending on him. They're snowed in. Four feet of snow for miles in every direction is enough to stop even their biggest truck. Only angel airs ways can make it out. He lets out a soft exhale of disgust, "I hate winter."

He laughs coldly to himself, "I hate fire, I hate winter, I hate snow, I hate croats, I hate mice, I hate this headache, I hate being hungry, I hate..."

Cas falls silent. He hates a lot of things these days. He sits in the frigid decaying diner and hates it all while he waits for the Adderall to take effect.

He shifts his weight trying to sit more comfortably on the box. It gives way under him. He tumbles to the floor. He hauls himself back up, swearing and adding the box to the list of things he hates. He looks down at the crushed box. It's full of individually packaged single servings of jams. The air drains from his lungs making his shoulders deflate in relief. He leans his head back and takes a few breaths of sweet salvation. He looks back to the box. It's still there and full of jam. He slings his backpack off and hurriedly starts stuffing it full of jam packets. It's not substantial but it'll keep them from starving for a few more days.

When he's gathered the jam packets up he looks over at the box beside the first one. He opens the second box slowly. _Peanut butter._ He laughs to the point of tears. _Peanut butter. I'm overjoyed at finding **peanut butter**. _ He starts shoveling peanut butter packets into the backpack still laughing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On the topic of peanut butter, here's a tasty peanut butter cookie recipe:
> 
> 1 cup peanut butter (I use crunchy)  
> 1/2 sugar  
> 1 egg
> 
> Mix everything together. Roll into balls. Flatten with fork. Bake on an ungreased cookie sheet. 15 minutes at 325 F. Though depending on your stove you may want to check earlier. Do not bake longer than 15 minutes or they turn out as dried out burnt blech.


	58. And by fine I mean anything but

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They can't fix this problem. No one can.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is related to [Early rising is a vice](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3843199)

Bobby points out another series of tools they'll need. Castiel moves quickly, gathering them together, and places them in the bag. It would be much faster for Bobby to simply give him a list of things rather than tell him a few items at a time but Bobby has stated more than once he isn't sure what he needs until he sees it.

Dean walks in and smirks, "I thought it was being lazy letting Cas to do all your packing."

Bobby makes a gruff noise of contempt and continues telling Cas what they need.

Castiel gathers up the books that Bobby wants to bring and places them carefully- as per Bobby's instructions- into a plastic bin. Dean is standing still in the doorway watching. Dean has been watching him closely much of the week. _Does he know? Can he tell?_ Castiel wonders as he closes the lid of the plastic bin, _In some human way can he sense what's happening to me?_ He stops for a moment to watch Dean. They look at each other but Castiel can not tell what it is that has Dean worried, "I'll pack your things shortly."

Bobby snickers at Dean, "Yeah princess, can't have you overexerting yourself."

Dean laughs sarcastically from the door but doesn't move. His eyes trail Cas around the cabin. _What's up with you lately? Ever since St. Louis was hit you've been acting..._ Dean can't think of a way to describe it. Cas has just been acting... _Off._ _Like Cas but not quite._ Dean isn't even sure what it is that Cas is doing that makes him think that, _But something's up with him._

Bobby points to a final gun and declares himself packed. Castiel puts the gun in the weapons bag. He picks up several duffle bags and the plastic bin- carefully- and flies them to the van.

"He seem weird to you lately?" Dean asks while they have a few seconds to themselves.

"Lately?" Bobby laughs, "It's Cas. I think the word you're looking for is always."

"Yeah..." Dean frowns because there's still something he can't quite put his finger on. _Dude, you're getting worked up over nothing._ Dean thinks trying to calm himself down, _Cas is just a weird nerdy little guy. Always has been. Bobby's right....speak of the devil._ Cas appears in front of him. He's passing Dean's bag over to him.

It doesn't take as long to pack Dean's things as it takes to pack Bobby's. Dean has very few possessions and they all fit into this duffle bag; except for the weapons Dean keeps in the car. Castiel passes the bag over to Dean. It would be more efficient for Castiel to put it in the van but Dean prefers carrying the bag there himself, "Are we ready?"

"Yeah." Dean says shouldering his bag, "Unless you've got an entire library you want to haul along with you like some people."

"That library has saved your butt more times than you can count." Bobby retorts as he heads for the door. He aims for Dean's toes as he wheels by.

Dean jumps aside. He watches Bobby go down the ramp for a moment before turning back to Cas. Dean knows they're staring at each other like a couple of idiots. Dean's eyebrows come together in concern, "You okay Cas?"

 _He knows._ Castiel thinks in shock, _Some how he knows._

"You've been kind of.....I've....." Dean rubs at the back of his neck _. I've been checking you out for a couple of weeks and because I'm a creeper I've noticed something's going on with you._ Dean thinks and as he does he can feel the heat from his neck travelling up.

Castiel watches as a faint pink flush travels up Dean's neck. Castiel narrows his vessel's eyes and studies Dean. He had expected anger when Dean found out, not embarrassment. It slowly dawns on him that Dean doesn't know. _But then why is he embarrassed? What did I do?_

Dean scrambles to finish his thought, "I dunno....you okay?"

 _I'm terrified. I think my grace is about to shatter. I don't have much time left._ Castiel can not bring himself to say it. If he does Bobby and Dean will waste time they should be using to gather materials and prepare. _They can't fix this problem. No one can._ He draws himself up, "...I'm fine Dean."

The hesitation in Cas's answer makes Dean press his lips together in concern. _What is going on with you?_ Dean wonders again. Cas is standing there all heavenly soldier and it would fool anyone else but Dean can see the subtle shifts. _Something is eating you alive and it isn't a bunch of infected psychos._ Dean waits to see if Cas will just blurt out whatever it is but he stays quiet. Dean lets his bag fall off his shoulder. He catches the handle and offers it to Cas. It isn't much but he knows Cas likes to feel like he's being useful. The trick worked when he was getting all strange and angel quiet in the car, Dean doesn't see why it wouldn't work again.

Castiel takes the bag and follows Dean out the door. _Thank you for letting me be useful during the little time I have left._


	59. Your own little piece

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Yeah. He's good. Personal assistant and general badass." Dean says. It gets a gruff laugh from Bobby. _It is kind of funny. Castiel PA of the Lord._ Dean thinks while he assures Bobby they won't do anything stupid, "Right. I'll check in when we get there."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is related to [Centennial Highway](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3880384).
> 
> For those interested I generally post progress on this fanfic here: [Brains for Baby Jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/), as well as what sort of research is going on in relation to this (though be warned there is also a lot of nonsense that goes on there too).

Dean tries Sam's phone. He doesn't pick up. Of course he doesn't pick up. It's been months since he took off on his own. Dean would leave another message but Sam's voice mail has been full for awhile. He hangs up and tosses his phone over to Cas. He's been trying to find things for Cas to do that are helpful. Cas has looked lost ever since he popped into the car two weeks ago. Dean feels lost too but at least his whole family didn't ditch him over night. _Just Sam,_ Dean thinks bitterly, it hurts just thinking about it, _I know you had thousands of brothers ditch you too but I only had the one. We're both alone_.

Castiel takes the phone and places it in the glove box with the assortment of things Dean keeps there. He's thankful that Dean is allowing him to stay and be useful even in this simple minor way. He doesn't know where else he would go or what he would do if Dean had told him to leave. "Sam didn't answer."

"No. Guess he's busy hunting demons like every other hunter across the country." Dean says because he won't entertain the alternative. _You didn't die Sam._ Dean pleads with his absent brother, _You're not dead because you're my brother; the second best hunter in the country. Hope you're staying safe. Dean out._ He tries not to think about how sometimes even being the best doesn't help. Sometimes you just get unlucky.

"They have been more active these past few weeks." Castiel comments. They've stopped several times to deal with demons. He can no longer smite them with his grace alone but between his blade and Dean's knife they are more than adequately prepared.

"Yeah. And we're not helping out any." Dean says gesturing at the radio. The news stories that come through are like something out of a bad action movie. Since Croatoan hit people have been burning down or bombing hospitals and clinics; anywhere they might have given people fake flu vaccinations and doctors and nurses have been dying in the hundreds. Dean never liked hospitals anyway but now most of the country has a deep seated gut fear of anything that even _looks_ medical professional.

"Has Bobby heard from Sam?" Castiel asks. When Dean doesn't look at him strangely his grace warms. _I'm getting better with my human conversation skills._ He thinks and his grace warms just that much more when Dean genuinely considerers his question _._

"No. At least not since the last time we talked." Dean says. He gestures to Cas to get his phone again. He tries to avoid thinking about what the silence from Sam could mean. _That's not going to happen this time._ Dean thinks as he takes the phone, _Sam will phone back we'll pick a place and we'll meet up there._ He phones Bobby. "Hey Bobby, just wondering if you heard anything from Sam."

Castiel listens to the phone conversation. Bobby has not heard from Sam either but he has information about demonic activity in their area. Dean puts his hand out. Castiel opens the glove compartment and takes out a pen and paper. He passes them to Dean.

Dean squishes his phone between his cheek and his shoulder as he writes down the list of places and names Bobby gives him. He rubs at the bridge of his nose between each line. This is going to be a long week. He tears off the paper from the pad and passes the pad of paper and pen back to Cas. The solemn way Cas takes the paper and pen makes him laugh internally, _You're kind of dorky Cas but I'm glad your here._

Castiel takes a moment to organize the glove box before putting the pen and paper back. He hopes Dean doesn't mind, it's more efficient this way. He closes the glove box back up and waits for Dean to finish on the phone. Dean and Bobby discus Sam once again _. I wish I could help you more than just putting things away._ Castiel can feel his vessel's face frowning ever so slightly.

"Cas? Yeah." Dean pauses for a moment listening to Bobby then turns to Cas, "Bobby says hi."

"Hello Bobby." Castiel responds because he really is getting better at his human conversation skills. He's been practicing all week.

"Cas says hi too. Yeah. He's good. Personal assistant and general badass." Dean says. It gets a gruff laugh from Bobby. _It is kind of funny. Castiel PA of the Lord._ Dean thinks while he assures Bobby they won't do anything stupid, "Right. I'll check in when we get there."

Dean passes the phone over. Castiel opens the glove box back up and takes a moment to debate where the phone should go now that the glove box is organized for maximum efficiency of space.

"Dude, just toss it in." Dean says when Cas seems to get stuck to the spot.

"I've organized your glove compartment for maximum efficiency of space. 'Tossing it in' would defeat my efforts." Castiel tells him.

Dean leans over to look. Everything is perfectly straight and parallel to each other. He doesn't have the heart to tell Cas that as soon as they take a sharp turn his organization efforts are going out the window. _Well reorganizing every fifty miles will give him something to do._ Dean thinks sitting back, _Keep his mind off everything else._

Castiel turns quickly to Dean when he realizes that perhaps suggesting that he 'just toss it in' was Dean's way of telling him he didn't like his belongings reorganized. "I can put it back the way it was. If you don't like it."

"Whoa. Dude. It's okay." Dean says when Cas turns a bizarrely pained and soulful look on him. _You'd think I was gonna curb stomp his puppy._ Dean thinks confused. Some days he's completely at a loss as to the things that get Cas looking like that.

"Are you sure?" Castiel asks. He doesn't want Dean to feel put upon.

Dean can't help but laugh a little. _The apocalypse is going down around us and Cas is worried about my glove box._ Dean thinks as he wipes his hand down his face to try and make himself take this more seriously since Cas obviously does. "Yeah. I'm sure, Cas."

"Really?" Castiel asks. He would never intentionally impose upon Dean but he knows he must do so accidentally from time to time considering the way Dean acts occasionally.

"Yeah really. It's okay." Dean assures him. Cas still doesn't look like he believes him. _Great, you're gonna get all weird and angel quiet again aren't you?_ Dean thinks as he watches Cas at war with his own thoughts, _Dude, you gotta relax a little._ He motions at the glove box, "You know what? You're officially in charge of the glove box. You're own little piece of the impala."

Castiel slowly tears his vessel's eyes away from Dean and back to the glove box. _My own piece of the impala?_ Castiel thinks with mild shock _. Dean doesn't even like it when **Sam** drives his car and he's putting me in charge of the glove box?_ His eyes fall over a space that is clearly the best location for the phone. He sets it down and closes the glove box. He sits back still stunned by what Dean has given to him, "Thank you."

Dean flashes a smile at Cas and quickly looks away because if he doesn't he's going to burst out laughing. _You are such a dork Cas. What the hell would I do without ya?_ He starts the car up, "No problem."


	60. I should like to die from consumption

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whatever happens in the next few hours they're doing it together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is referring to how TB was the "popular/trendy" way to die back in the day. Croatoan being the popular way to die in end!verse. Though Croatoan is definitely not a gentlemen's disease.
> 
> This chapter is related to [My heart feels like an alligator (Part 1)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/4068015)
> 
> This is where I do that tumblr thing: [Brains for Baby Jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/). Beyond the usual nonsense of tumblr I also post progress, updates, and research notes for this fic there.

Just two days later and they're wrapping up ready to go home. The little motel they used as their base of operation has a subdued mood and that's saying something for the apocalypse. Dean had moved them down a few doors from the room where Kyle had died but this motel will haunt Cas's dreams for awhile yet.

Cas is re-packing their things. They found a few bottles of liquor while out this time and Cas doesn't want them getting smashed in the back of the truck. He wraps up a bottle of banana liqueur in a plaid shirt.

The door bangs open.

Cas grabs his gun off the nightstand and turns to face the intruder in the doorway. His brain takes a moment to register what he's seeing. It's Clayton. He relaxes. He sets the gun down on the nightstand. Clayton stares vacantly at him, then his eyes light up in an all too familiar way. _Oh god, why didn't I shoot!?_

Clayton starts to launch himself at Cas screaming in a wordless animal howl that all croats share in common. Cas snatches up the gun. He can practically feel the teeth sinking into him already. This is going to be it. This is the one that's going to get him.

"Hey Cas, we-"

Cas had been ready to fight for his life but when he hears Dean's voice he panics. Cold dumb animal fear sinks into him when he turns and sees what's about to happen.

Clayton pauses and turns. A shocked look springs onto Dean's face when he understands what's happening. Clayton throws himself at Dean. Dean falls back trying to keep Clayton's teeth away from his face.

Cas strides forward with his gun. He doesn't hesitate this time. Dean pushes the croat up and away from himself and Cas blows away the thing that was Clayton. The world seems strange and blank now. Cas can feel his body shaking. _Not Dean. Not like this._ Cas prays to his father, _Not like this. It can't end like this. Let Dean be okay. Dean is okay. They don't get to have Dean._

Dean pushes the body away from him. He gets up. He wasn't bitten but sometimes- a lot of the time- just close contact will do it. The others come running from the vehicles.

" ** _Fuck_** _."_ Yeager swears, "Fuck. I didn't see it."

"You were with him I take it?" Dean asks casually. He looks his hands over. There are no open wounds. He runs his hands over his face and checks them. There's a faint smear of blood on his palms. He must have gotten some back splatter when Cas shot the croat.

Yeager looks like he's ready for a scathing outburst from Dean. It doesn't come.

Cas's heart rate has nearly doubled. He saw the way Dean looked at his hands. _No. Not Dean. Not like this._ Cas continues to pray, _It can't happen like this. Not Dean. Not like this_.

Dean wipes the blood off on his pants. It's so little and yet it's so damning. He picks up the bags that are left in their room and passes them to the others. He unloads Cas's truck and has the group distribute the supplies between the rest of the vehicles. That done, he pulls Yeager aside and hands him his gun, "Cas will probably come back but if he doesn't, come back for the truck in a couple of days. I left the keys in the back."

Yeager nods and then starts getting the group moving. They're all quiet. They know what Dean is doing. The others drive away leaving Dean and Cas alone at the abandoned motel.

Dean watches them go until he can't see them anymore then heads back to the motel room. _And here I was worried that I'd keep coming back to this hell hole._ Dean thinks, he almost wants to laugh, _Guess you'll be surprised when you get here Zachariah and we're already gone_. Cas is still standing in the motel room dumbstruck. He goes to the room next door and kicks the door open. He goes back and gets Cas. Cas follows him blindly. He sits Cas down on one bed then sits opposite of him on the other. He reaches for Cas's gun. "You don't have to stay, just figured you were too stupid to go."

Cas pulls his gun away from Dean. He finally brings himself to look at Dean. He can feel something in his chest breaking. It feels a lot like when the others died only a thousand times worse. He doesn't bother to say sorry. He knows it won't be enough. "I'm staying. You might not be infected. Someone has to stay to drive you home."

Dean studies Cas's face. _When did you start looking more like a man and less like an angel?_ Dean wonders, _An angel never looked this broken._ He reaches for the gun again but Cas pulls it away from him once more.

"No. You're fine." Cas demands of him. He's shaking a little. He forces himself to be still, "If....if you do flip, I'll do it. But you won't. You don't have any open wounds. There was no blood to blood contact."

Dean sits up straight. He doesn't bother to say that sometimes it doesn't matter. Sometimes you just get unlucky. "You going to be able to do it?"

Cas looks at the gun. He doesn't lie to himself, _Probably not._ "Yeah. I'll do it. You'd do the same for me right?"

"Yeah." Dean says knowing they're both telling lies.

 _This is all my fault._ Cas knows it's true, _I hesitated and now you're- I failed you again. I'm so utterly useless if I can't fly. This is all my fault._ Cas turns on the safety on his gun and tosses it onto the bed. It's a wordless promise, whatever happens in the next few hours they're doing it together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to ask reader opinion again about Cas/Other smut (I misread the only comment about it so far, whoops). I shall explain the situation for Cas/Other smut: In my AU Cas does form a couple of relationships of various degrees of intimacy early on (the first year or so) but if you haven't guessed by now these relationships end bloody. The end of these relationships are a part of what drive Cas towards meaningless hedonism later on. There won't be a lot of Cas/Other smut either way because generally this series revolves around Cas in relation to Dean (there might be 5 to 10 instances included across a fifteen part series). And while orgies can be good not-so-clean fun I don't really feel like writing a bunch of them (because seriously the amount of body fluids produced by more than four people is kind of impressively gross), so no there won't be many crazy 2014 orgies. 
> 
> So my question still stands, Cas/Other smut? Is this a thing I should include? So far no. Which I'm okay with. The story won't suffer from a lack of Cas/Other smut.
> 
> This chapter happens two days after [Even poor old Edgar Derby got a trial](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1563353/chapters/3753365).


	61. Linger In My Arms A Little Longer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few years ago and this would have been one of those moments where Dean would have complained about personal space. Cas steps even closer and reaches out to touch him again, personal space could go straight to hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is related to [My heart feels like an alligator (Part 1)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/4068015)
> 
> This is where I do that tumblr thing: [Brains for Baby Jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/). Beyond the usual nonsense of tumblr I also post progress, updates, and research notes for this fic there.

"Jesus fuck Cas." Dean looks around at the carnage Cas has left behind. _Holy jesus fucking hell._ Dean thinks upon a second look. _You'd think a bomb went off_. He stares at the- he wants to say man before him but Cas is not a man, no Cas is- he looks around again at the bloody dead soldiers... _holy fucking hell_.

"Are you okay?" Cas asks. He reaches out as if to heal Dean but he hasn't been able to do that in over a year. Instead he reaches out to brush his hand over Dean's face. Dean flinches away. Cas thinks his heart might be breaking _. Don't be afraid of me. Please. Don't be afraid of me._ Cas silently pleads, _This is what I am. I was made to fight. Please, you know that. You know what I am and you're not afraid. Please don't be afraid of me._ He reaches out again and this time Dean leans into it. Cas can feel his chest loosen.

Dean braces himself for Cas's touch expecting Cas's hand to feel cold and dead after all the death he just dealt out but it's warm and familiar. _Okay. Yeah. It's fine. It's just Cas._ Dean reasons with himself, his eyes wander over the carnage again, _It's just Cas and he just killed- what? Twenty something people? Twenty people and he doesn't even notice them now. Jesus **fucking** christ. I was worried about him turning into a drug addict? _ Dean leans into Cas's hand a little trying to spark a bit of human empathy in Cas. "Yeah, I'm okay....can't say the same for the other guys."

"I don't give a fuck about the other guys." Cas says as he runs his hand down Dean's face and onto Dean's neck. He pulls Dean in closer and leans his forehead on Dean's shoulder, burying his face in Dean's neck. He breathes in Dean. He lets out a long sigh that sounds a lot like Dean's name. It calms the fear and anger that fuelled this slaughter, "Don't do that again."

"I'll try." Dean can't help the little laugh that escapes him because this is insane. They're standing in the middle of a massacre and Cas is getting all weird and clingy. _Yeah, sure, I'll try not to get picked up by the stormtroops again._ _I'm not the looter they're looking for._ Dean laughs internally and even in his head the laugh dies fast, _Fuck Cas, you just killed twenty people. Not croats. **People**. _ Dean brings an arm up to pull Cas in tighter. It's almost a hug- but not quite. Dean's not really sure he can do that right now. He would like to get the fuck out of here right the fuck now but he settles for hiding his face in Cas's tangled hair.

Risa gives a forceful cough, interrupting them. "We should probably grab the guns and anything else useful and get out of here before anyone else shows up."

Dean turns his head and looks his people over. They're gathered behind Risa giving him and Cas frightened little sideways looks. _No, they're not giving **me** those looks._ Dean realizes, _They're freaked right the fuck out by Cas. Maybe now everyone will believe I'm not beating the fuck out of him._ He lets his arm drop away from Cas. He steps away from him and puts on his stern leader face, "Yeah. Guns, ammunition, fuel, food, medicine, clothes. In that order. We'll grab a truck or two while we're at it."

Risa nods and gets the others moving. Her eyes slide over Cas quickly, just the once, as she passes them by. She's been stepping up as a leader but she's still not about to comment on what just happened.

A few years ago and this would have been one of those moments where Dean would have complained about personal space. Cas steps even closer and reaches out to touch him again, personal space could go straight to hell. Right along with the soldiers that thought they'd arrest Dean. Cas doesn't bother to look over the twenty-four men he's just killed, _I've never been so scared. They had you and- it was terrifying. What would I do without you?_ These days arrest is synonymous with execute. That the soldiers bothered to round up the whole group before shooting them was just a stroke of luck for Cas and a terrible idea for the soldiers. It had given Cas the time to get here and do something about it.

Dean forces himself to stay still while Cas runs his hands over his body like he doesn't quite believe Dean's okay. The light touches make his skin prickle in a savoury way– it's in complete conflict with the anxiety Dean's feeling. Dean's looking the scene over again _. Holy fucking hell. He flew in here and just- Bam! And that was it for them._ Dean thinks, _He didn't bat a fucking eye over this. Christ that's fucking scary. Twenty odd armed dudes and- bam! fucking dead. Jesus fucking christ_. Cas is staring at him waiting for him to return the gaze. He locks his eyes onto Cas's. He's not sure if he wants to get into bed tonight with the creature staring back at him.

A sigh escapes Cas when Dean looks back at him. _Thank you for not being afraid_. Cas thinks, a soft smile forms on his lips, _I don't know what I'd do if you were afraid of me_. He pulls Dean into a quick hug then goes to join the others stripping bodies of anything useful.

A sticky red splotch is left on Dean's shirt. It's blood but it's probably not Cas's. He looks up from his shirt to watch Cas who is moving methodically from body to body, his face intense and focused. _Jesus fucking hell._ Dean thinks again as his insides go cold, _He just- fuck. All of them. Just like that_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in case you are worried: Dean isn't some spouse abusing fuckwad in this fic (I'm so poetic).
> 
> I think it's been hinted at a few times that the survivors of Camp Chitaqua occasionally worry about Cas. They know Cas as the mellow hippy or the reasonable down to business co-pilot on missions and Dean as the Fearless Leader who's somewhat obsessed with finding a gun. They don't know Cas as God's Soldier capable of burning out a human's eyes with just a glimpse of his true visage or Dean as the older brother desperately trying to save his little brother. So their perceptions of Dean and Cas are a little skewed.
> 
> As far as violence against each other goes it's been seen in canon that neither Dean nor Cas shy away from punching someone they love in the face (or beating the crap out of them). This tendency continues and no one is none the wiser about it until Cas can't heal anymore. Cas's fighting style- just taking the measly human hits- combined with a body that hasn't been a soldier for its entire existence leaves him with more bruises than Dean. It looks bad. Well it is bad, they really don't understand the meaning of healthy relationship, but it's not bad in a spousal abuse kind of way. They take out their frustrations on each other in a physical (and verbal) way but it's mutual and consensual.
> 
> Despite Dean and Cas not viewing it as anything particularly upsetting or wrong the aftermath often looks rather severe but it's (usually) superficial. Still, it leads the inhabitants of Camp Chitaqua to wonder what goes on behind closed doors sometimes. 
> 
> [You don't know](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1563353/chapters/4412985) takes place immediately before this chapter.  
> This chapter happens a few hours before [Baby, don't be mad at me ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1563353/chapters/3754123).


	62. I Don't Know Enough About You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean paces the cabin for a few minutes before he swears and puts some clothes on. He grabs Cas's blade off the bed and heads out to look for him. He knows there's only two places Cas will go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is another Peggy Lee song. Picked mostly because of the first verse:
> 
> I know a little bit about a lot o' things,  
> But I don't know enough about you.  
> Just when I think you're mine,  
> You try a different line,  
> And baby, what can I do?
> 
> This chapter is related to  My heart feels like an alligator (Part 2) 

Dean paces the cabin for a few minutes before he swears and puts some clothes on. He grabs Cas's blade off the bed and heads out to look for him. He knows there's only two places Cas will go.

Dean finds Cas five minutes later sitting in the passenger seat of the impala. Dean gets in on the other side and hands the blade over. Cas takes it wordlessly. Dean starts to move his hand up to stroke Cas's face but aborts it. He lets his hand fall to his lap, "You're not just a weapon."

Cas stays silent but he turns his head when he sees Dean's hand begin to reach out then pull away. It makes him feel cold. _Dean's still afraid._ His hand grips at his blade.

"And...you know....." Dean isn't sure what else to say. _Say sorry you idiot!_ Dean yells at himself. _Just fucking apologize to him!_ He starts to move his hand closer to Cas, edging it towards Cas's knee. It doesn't get there, "I'm.....and you're not just an angel. You're a thousand times better than all the other angels I've met."

Cas studies Dean. The words Dean is saying are in conflict with the way he's holding himself back. _And there's that look in your eye...I put that look there._ Cas wants to reach out and run his hand into Dean's hair but doesn't, _It'll hurt too much if you pull away from me again._

"And...and I'm not afraid of you, Cas." Dean hesitates before he leans over and kisses Cas. It's like that first time they kissed, cold and hard _. I wasn't this freaked out about you then and you were practically full on angel still._ Dean thinks as he flicks his tongue across Cas's lips trying to encourage him to kiss back, _Because I was a fucking idiot then and didn't realize what I was getting into— fuck. Quit thinking like that Winchester! It's Cas._

Cas doesn't kiss back. He can't. Dean doesn't really want to kiss him. Dean's making himself kiss him. _I did this._ Cas thinks as his stomach turns cold, _If I had just....been more human...but he would have **died!**_ He leans away from Dean and looks at him sadly, "You are, Dean."

Dean sits back in the seat. He turns away to stare out the window. They sit in a silence only broken by Dean tapping his fingers on the steering wheel. Dean knows he can't lie about this. Cas will smell the bullshit a mile away. He swipes his hand over his face. _Fuck_. He swipes his hand over his face a second time, _Fuck. I just wanted to sleep on it first. Fuck!_ He keeps his eyes ahead. He can't look at Cas when he says it, "Okay. Yeah. You know what? That was fucking scary today, Cas."

Cas tightens his grip on his blade. The irony of taking comfort in a weapon is not lost on him. _Why couldn't God have made us more than soldiers?_ He looks away from Dean. He stares out at the night, _Why do I have to **be** like this?_

"But...it was just one day." Dean says forcing himself to sound like he means it. He knows he'll mean it tomorrow but tonight it's all still too much to take in, "It's not like that's you every day."

"It is Dean. That _is_ me every day." Cas's hand finds the end of the blade where Dean scratched his initial into it. He rubs a small circle over it, "I would do that for you again in a heartbeat."

"...you're really not making this any easier." Dean mutters under his breath. He's trying his best to reconcile Cas: his friend, comrade in arms, and lover with Cas: scary mother-fucker and angelic killing machine.

"I don't know how I could." Cas says sharply. His words are full of anger but not for Dean. He's angry with himself. _Why am I always three steps behind from understanding? This wouldn't be happening if I could just understand._

Dean rubs at the back of his neck. He knows he deserves Cas being pissed at him. He'd be pretty pissed too if Cas had thrown it in his face that he's just a useless human, "Look, sometimes I forget that you aren't exactly human and sometimes it...it comes back and bites me in the ass."

"I try to be human." Cas says quietly. His thumb swipes over the ridges of Dean's initial on his blade again. He turns to look at Dean. Dean's still sitting as far away from him as possible, "Dean, I try so hard to get it right for you, to be like any other human."

Dean looks over at Cas. Cas had sounded so _dejected_. He shuffles closer to Cas when he sees the pain in his eyes. _Fuck. I didn't mean to hurt you, Cas._ Dean reaches out and cups Cas's face. He doesn't hesitate this time, "I know. But you're not human Cas and that's okay. I don't want you to be just another human. I want you to be Cas."

Cas doesn't lean into the touch. He watches Dean. As much as he would like to melt into the touch there's something in Dean's eyes that stop him. Dean looks....chased– hunted. _I can't ever take it back._ Cas realizes. He presses his eyes shut, _Every time he looks at me he's going to remember that._

Dean shuffles closer to Cas and leans against his chest. He wraps his arms around him and breaths in Cas. _I'm a fucking idiot._ Dean thinks as he closes his eyes and tries to relax, _I can be afraid **for** him but **of** him? Yeah, biggest freakin' idiot in the camp._

Cas doesn't move but he lets Dean hold onto him. _I wish I could take it back. I wish I could take it all back._ He looks down at Dean. Fragile human Dean, _No. I wish I were enough of an angel to save you or enough of a human to love you. I'm sick of being caught inbetween._

Dean cracks an eye open and turns his head up when Cas doesn't move, "Going to angel sulk about it?"

Cas hesitates before he answers. He brings one arm up to bury a hand in the hair on the back of Dean's head while the other arm warps around Dean, "I'm not very good at doing it the human way."

A brief chuckle escapes Dean, "You're not supposed to be _good_ at sulking. Human or angel."

Cas breathes a little easier when Dean presses his face back against him. He had comforted Dean this way before when Dean had been at his most vulnerable. _Does he remember that?_ He rests his chin on Dean's head. _Is this his way of giving me his trust once more?_ He turns his head to rub his cheek into Dean's hair. _Maybe I'm human enough for Dean._

Dean presses his face against Cas's chest. He breathes in Cas. The smell of Cas is a soothing force on Dean's nerves but the slow rise and fall of Cas's lungs and the even slower heartbeat in Cas's chest are stark reminders of what he's sitting with in the impala. He tries to shove the thought from his mind before it takes form but he can't stop it. There might as well be a blazing neon sign above Cas screaming into the night, NOT HUMAN.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally had Cas sitting in the driver's seat and then realized that the passenger's seat would mean a lot more. 
> 
> This takes place right after [Baby, don't be mad at me](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1563353/chapters/3754123).


	63. Castiel's Laundry List

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel stares at the pile of clothes frowning. It's an unreasonably large amount of clothing, "I don't need all this."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is related to  My heart feels like an alligator (Part 2) 

Dean dumps the armful of clothes on Cas's freakin' king sized bed _. I have **got** to ask where Cas got that damn bed from._ Dean thinks eyeing it. His own bed is a single. A life time of motel double beds has spoiled him. He gives the bed another forlorn look then shakes his head. He prays, "Castiel, got your ears on? Where'd you run off to today?"

"Hello Dean." Castiel says as he lands in his cabin beside Dean. Dean gives the barest hint of a twitch. It's a far cry from the startled way Dean used to react, "Is something wrong?"

"No. Just got you some stuff." Dean says motioning to the bed.

Castiel looks over at the bed. He hadn't realized that Dean wanted his clothing back. Dean had never said anything about it. _Why did I just assume he wouldn't?_ His eyebrows hitch together as he thinks over his reasoning of the last few days, _Of course he would want his belongings back._ He frowns slightly, "Thank you."

"No problem buddy." Dean says preparing for another argument about ownership. It had taken awhile to get Cas to accept that the cabin was **_his_** and not just some place they were letting him crash for awhile, but once they got it through his head Dean could tell Cas genuinely liked it. Dean's eyes shot around the cabin quickly, _Wonder if this place is the first thing he's ever actually owned?_

Castiel stares at the pile of clothes frowning. It's an unreasonably large amount of clothing, "I don't need all this."

 _There it is._ Dean pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs, "Cas, it's four shirts, a couple pairs of jeans, and a jacket. It's not a hell of a lot."

Castiel looks between the clothing and Dean. He licks his lips and frowns again. He starts tugging at his shirt– _Dean's shirt._

Dean opens his mouth to say, _You don't need to swap clothes right **now**._ But Cas already has the Metallica shirt off and is undoing his belt and shoving down the jeans. He shakes his head. _If I say something now Cas will probably just be confused about if the clothes are really his._ Dean turns to the pile of clothes and picks out a t-shirt and a pair of jeans. He hands them over to Cas.

Castiel dresses in the new clothing not really paying much attention to it. Instead he's watching Dean pick his shirt and jeans off the floor and tuck them under his arm. He feels...strangely melancholy about it.

"They fit?" Dean asks pointing at the jeans. He had picked sizes that would fit him since his clothes fit Cas pretty well.

Castiel considers the clothing for a moment. The jeans are slightly tighter and the fabric stiff. The t-shirt is not as soft. His brow creases again, "Yes."

"Good." Dean nods to himself.

"Your jacket." Castiel says remembering that Dean's jacket is on the coat rack. As he walks over his chest tightens uncomfortably. He pauses wondering if something is wrong. He does a quick check with his grace and finds nothing physically wrong with his body. He tilts his head to the side slightly before continuing on. He retrieves the jacket and goes back to Dean. He holds the jacket out despite- _irrationally_ \- wanting to snatch it back.

Dean reaches out for his jacket but stops. Cas is looking at him funny. _It's like he wants to say something but won't pipe up._ Dean's eyebrows pinch together for a second. His eyes flick between Cas and his beat up blue jacket. He lets his hand fall, "You know what? You keep it."

Castiel lets his arm fall slowly. His fingers flex and dig into the fabric. The tight feeling in his chest goes away. He frowns and probes his heart and lungs with his grace again. They really do appear to be in proper functioning order.

"I'll just grab this one." Dean turns and picks out the new jacket from the pile on the bed. It's a green military looking thing. He gives Cas a boyish grin, "Matches my eyes."

Dean starts to head for the door. Castiel watches him go confused. He looks at the jacket he's still holding. _This is his._ Castiel looks up at Dean again _, This is **yours**. Why don't you want it back?_ He rubs the fabric through his fingers, "Thank you."

Dean pauses at the door. He turns back, an easy smile on his face, "Hey, like I said, no problem."

Castiel tilts his head slightly.

Dean smiles again and shakes his head before opening the door and heading out.

Castiel stands alone in his cabin holding onto to Dean's jacket. As he looks down at the jacket he notices something familiar about the shirt Dean had passed to him to wear. It bears the faded image from the Led Zeppelin II tape. His eyes flick between the door, the jacket, and the shirt. He pulls the jacket on and flies to the mess hall where Bobby and Kim are busy painting devil's traps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This happens a few days after [The angel's dirty trench coat](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1563353/chapters/3315926).


	64. Stormy Weather

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas can feel his whole body tighten in fearful anticipation. He's close to grabbing Yeager and beating the meaning of the word expeditious into him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Peggy Lee
> 
> This chapter is related to [Good morning officer....](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/4306158)

Cas flits back across the town as fast as he can fly, which isn't fast these days. The only reason it's faster than taking a vehicle is because most of the roads are impassable to anything larger than a Smart car. He had heard gunfire. _Unfamiliar_ gunfire. Dean thinks he's joking that he can hear the difference even over larger distances but he can. It's one of the few skills his grace is still managing with any degree of consistent accuracy. He knows the sound of every individual gun they brought with them. The guns he heard weren't theirs.

He lands at their rendezvous point. The vehicles are all present- they've even been packed- but there's no one. The park is empty. There aren't even croats around. _There will be soon. Gunfire attracts them like moths to a flame._ Cas quickly picks his way through their abandoned vehicles. _Where is everyone?_

Cas looks the ground over, flicking his eyes up every few seconds to check for danger. The grass is stomped down in an area too wide for the number of people that should have been here. The tracks look like a group two to three times the size was here. He's almost sure it wasn't croats. _There would be blood if it had been croats._ He comes across spent bullets. They aren't from the guns they use. _Humans._ It's not unusual for rival groups of survivors to try and shoot it out with them when there's an argument over who's bring home food but this doesn't make sense. The trucks were left alone; fully packed to start home. _This can't be happening. Not today. Not when I finally understand—_

He circles back around when he hears a creak from the bed of one of the trucks. He brings his gun up. There's no point trying to be quiet now. There's little doubt croats will be here soon. A familiar head pops up from the back of one of the trucks. Cas keeps his gun trained on him. A lone survivor is a croat until they prove they can speak, "Yeager?"

Yeager's head snaps towards Cas with a look of cool fear. Relief settles in when he recognizes who it is, "Thank god."

Cas lowers his gun and goes over, "Where's Dean? What happened? Where is everyone?"

Yeager hesitates. "That patrol we keep seeing...."

Cas's eyes go wide. He sucks in a deep breath. Fear and panic shoot through him. He's terrified by how Yeager might finish that sentence. They've seen that military patrol half a dozen times this month. They shoot anyone that's looting. Which is exactly how Camp Chitaqua feeds itself- which was exactly what they were doing here today. _I can't lose him like that. Not to.... **humans**._

"They ambushed us." Yeager says as he crawls out of the back of the truck. "Fired a few rounds off...."

Cas can feel his whole body tighten in fearful anticipation. _Just say it! Tell me what happened!_ He's close to grabbing Yeager and beating the meaning of the word expeditious into him. _What happened to Dean!?_ He breaths in ready to yell just that but Yeager continues.

"Then rounded everyone up and marched them into a truck." Yeager says straightening himself up.

Cas is taken aback. He's almost tempted to ask why? They haven't seen that military patrol do anything but **shoot** looters. _Why did they suddenly take them?_ He shoves the thought aside because the why of the situation isn't important. What's important is that they have Dean; they have the human he loves. That's not acceptable, "Which way did they go?"

Yeager waves vaguely to the west.

"Go back to camp. I'll find Dean– and the others." Cas says before flying away. His fear and panic give way to a more familiar feeling: angelic fury. 

_Nobody takes Dean._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Earlier in the day this happened [I feel it](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1563353/chapters/3584630). Which was previously called "There's only one rule".
> 
> Not long after this chapter this happens [Linger In My Arms A Little Longer](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1563353/chapters/4067655). Which used to be called "Don't be afraid."


	65. You don't know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That familiar sound sends a thrill of relief through him. He smiles to himself, "You guys are so fucked."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is a Peggy Lee song.

_Humans, we're worse than demons some days._ Dean thinks dryly as he's shoved forward. He trips and stumbles to the ground, the plastic zip tie keeping his hands behind his back means he lands face first. Strong arms haul him back up. He glares at the soldier to his right, _I could totally take him in a fair fight._

Dean thinks he's got this figured out. He had expected to go down in a hail of gunfire when they first showed up but now he gets it. Information. Between demons, croats, and heavy handed martial law other survivors have been dwindling. Camp Chitaqua is probably the largest group for miles around. If these sweethearts in camo were sent here to rout out criminals, gangs, and looters well Camp Chitaqua fits all three. _But you can't find it._ Dean thinks smugly, _You got all this high end tech and you can't find us._ Dean almost laughs. He's probably alive right now because he's paranoid- with good reason- about the Devil finding them. _Too bad you don't have an angel doing your recon._

"So, this the big shake down?" Dean asks flashing a grin at the soldier to his left, "You know I can't give away our secret lair if we don't have one."

There's no response from either man.

"I mean, come on, staying in one place to get ripped up by croats?" Dean says. He gets a bit of a shove this time. He grins, satisfied that he got a rise out of them, but of course he doesn't stop, "That's just crazy. You might as well set up a twenty foot billboard: come kill us in our sleep."

He doesn't get a another shove or even a sideways look.

"Nah, you gotta keep moving." Dean says. It doesn't sound believable even to Dean. The idea of being able to move a convoy of people around on roads jammed full of abandoned cars is ludicrous. _Well it would be if we didn't get Cas to clear most of the main roads last year._ It strikes him suddenly that Cas has probably done more to keep them alive then the rest of the camp put together. At the thought of Cas he twists his head around. He knows Cas will come. He's just not sure what he'll be able to do. Cas can't just pick up a few passengers anymore and fly them out. _Sure he can fly in, but then what?_

Shouts and a few lone shots break the sombre atmosphere his buddies in camo were going for.

Dean nods towards the noises, "Maybe you should go check that out."

He gets a shove in his side for that comment before they hurry him forward. Dean tries to pass off his grunt of pain as a laugh. Then he hears it. That familiar sound of wings sends a thrill of relief through him. He smiles to himself, "You guys are so fucked."

Cas drives his blade through the throat of one soldier before he can turn around. The second one gets as far as thinking about raising his gun before he dispatches him the same way. They bleed out at his feet as he grabs Dean's hands and with a quiet _snick!_ he's cut away the zip tie. He turns Dean around and pulls him down to plant a kiss on his forehead. He's discovered in the last half hour that love and worry go hand in hand. "I thought...."

Dean can read the fear in Cas like an open book. He knows what Cas must have thought when he got back to the trucks to find him gone. He pulls Cas back for a more thorough kiss. He cuts it short, as much as he'd like to make-out with him for awhile to prove that he's okay this isn't the best place to do it. He gives Cas a slap on the shoulder, "Hey, I'm made of tougher stuff, so if we're done our heart to heart we–"

"There!"

Cas shoves Dean down by reflex as guns are raised. He flies towards the soldiers. There's a rush of hormones as he puts himself in danger in order to keep Dean safe. Normally he hates the flight or fight response his body insists on doing, his grace works just as effectively, but today he needs it. He's taxed himself flying here, he'll take every drop of every catecholamine his body is willing to make. _Anything to keep Dean safe._

A spray of bullets go over Dean's head. He twists around to see Cas do an epic impersonation of Nightcrawler, dropping three more guys before they know what hit them. There are more shouts from the other side of a line of vehicles. _We have **got** to get out of here._ He jumps in surprise when Cas is suddenly standing over him putting a hand out to help pull him up. He grabs Cas's hand and pulls himself upright. He dusts himself off a little, "Okay, time to get out of here before shit really hits the fan."

"Shortly." Cas says as he ushers Dean towards one of the armoured trucks. _This isn't happening again._ There's a barely controlled fury bubbling away beneath his skin. It's single mindedness reminds him of what he used to be but instead of Heaven's wrath it's his own. _They will **not** do this again. Not to the one I love._ He opens the door of the truck and pushes - _fragile, breakable, human_ \- Dean inside. He looks Dean over making sure he's uninjured, "Stay here."

" _Cas–_ " Dean starts but the door is closed in his face. He ducks down when a couple more soldiers run by. _Shit. What the hell are you doing Cas? We've gotta **go**._ He hunkers down further when he hears another series of boots stomp by. There's more shouting and gunfire but then it goes quiet. Dean doesn't like quiet. _Quiet is never a good thing._

Dean waits a couple more seconds before poking his head up to look out the window. There isn't anyone around, well except for the dead guys who had tried to shoot them. He opens the door and slides out. His eyes dart around looking for Cas. He hears Risa and some of the others talking nearby. He goes around the front of the armoured truck, cutting through the line of vehicles. He freezes. There's Cas.

Cas wipes the blood from his face. His hand tightens on his blade when he catches movement between two of the vehicles. His eyes snap over. He relaxes. It's Dean. _You're safe now._ His eyes rove over Dean looking for injuries again. Dean is still unscathed. _It could have been so much worse._ The worry that had been clinging to him sloughs off. He lets himself breath. The worry is replaced by a warm feeling that spreads through his chest. He doesn't have to worry about Dean anymore, _Not right now at least. There's always tomorrow._ He smiles to himself. _No wonder so many humans write about love being terrible and wonderful._

Dean's mind goes blank. He's seen Cas in action before, _Hell, we fight back to back on a daily basis but this...._ He blinks as if that will change what's around him. He watches as a weird smile crosses Cas's face before it becomes serious again. He watches Cas glance around like it's just another day. He watches Cas casually wipe the blood off his hand onto his jeans. He watches Cas step over bodies like it's nothing. _Holy fucking christ.....he just....in ten fucking minutes.....and he doesn't even care._ Dean's eyes sweep around the scene before him again. Sure they've had to kill a few people before to get their point across but this is.... _this is a fucking massacre._

Cas stops short in front of Dean. Dean's face is pale. Cas frowns. Dean almost looks...afraid. _That's ridiculous. Like he said, he's made of tougher stuff, a little blood wouldn't scare Dean._ Cas shakes his head to himself then covers the last bit of distance between them. He drinks Dean in and that warmth in his chest makes him sigh. _What would I do without you?_ Another smile flicks across his face but it disappears when Dean turns and looks at him. Dean is staring at him but his eyes.... "Dean?"

Dean stares at Cas at a loss for words. _He's just standing there like nothing happened._ Dean's eyes flick to the bodies around them, the blood making the grass dark and slick, the blood dripping off Cas's blade. _What the hell do I say?_

"...Dean?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I may have just casually thrown out catecholamine before and didn't explain. Catecholamines are a group of hormones. The ones in particular that are associated with the flight or fight response are: adrenaline, noradrenaline, and dompine. So Cas is talking about a great big old fashioned adrenaline rush. I just think internally he'd refer to it more technically. He's still an angel after all.
> 
> This chapter is preceded by [ Stormy Weather](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1563353/chapters/4306074)  
> And is directly followed by [Linger In My Arms A Little Longer](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1563353/chapters/4067655)


	66. Can't stop it.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He can't look away. He can't not hear it. It keeps happening. It doesn't stop. He can't make it stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is related to [This is what crazy people do](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/4518219).

He flies towards the street Bethany is on. Cas steps around the corner knowing what he's going to see. He knows. He knows what's he going to see, so he should be ready for it. He should be prepared for the blood and torn flesh. He turns the corner and freezes. He can't look away. The world narrows down what's before him. Growling snarls and terrible screaming from—

" .....holy christ."

"Cas....Cas.... ** _Cas_** _."_

He can't look away. He can't not hear it. It keeps happening. It doesn't stop. He can't make it stop.

"Cas, we've got to _go_."

There's gunfire around him.

"What's wrong with him?"

"I dunno. He won't move."

"What would Dean do?"

Somewhere Cas registers he's been hit in the face by someone but he can't look away. They're just so much blood, so many..... _pieces_.

"Shit. Damned hell. Dean was right about that. I think I broke my hand."

"What do we do?"

"We can't just ditch him. Dean will kill us."

A hand goes over his eyes. His vision goes black. He can't stop it but at least now he can't see it anymore. He can't see how she'd been– he shivers and turns away.

"Cas. We've got to go." Bronson says tugging on Cas's arm. He leads Cas away while the others cover their retreat.

Cas knows he should stay and help. He brought them here. This is his fault. He should be there with the others. He shivers again. He can't go back there. He lets Bronson lead him to a truck and shove him in. He wishes it was Dean that was making sure he was safe but Dean's chasing the Colt while he's here throwing lives away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Directly before this chapter this happened [Sophie's Choice](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1563353/chapters/3754237)


	67. 12 point turn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas holds the keys up, "I'm going to learn how to drive."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is related to [This is what crazy people do](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/4518219).

Dean finds Cas sitting in one of the cars they've fixed up looking like it insulted his mother. He walks up to the open window and leans on the car, "What're ya doing?"

Cas holds the keys up, "I'm going to learn how to drive."

Dean's mouth falls open. He mouths the beginning of a few different words then settles for, "You can't just teach **yourself**."

Cas glares over at him. _I don't want to teach myself._ He turns away and looks for the ignition. _I want my grace to stop failing at the worst possible times imaginable._ He jams the key in, "Well I can't wait for _you_ to teach me."

Dean wrinkles his nose at Cas's words. He reaches in to try and take the keys away before Cas can start the car, "Look as soon as we get word on the Colt—"

" **No**." Cas bats his hand away. _If I can't fly people away anymore at least I'll be able to drive them to safety._ He starts the car. "Last week it was as soon as you get back from the mission and before that it was as soon as we get the new shelter up."

"I mean it this time Cas." Dean says. He starts to open the door. If Cas wants to learn to drive, fine. He'll take him out as soon as they get word on the Colt. He really will. _If Cas would just cool his jets he'd know I mean it._ Now is just a bad time.

"I mean it too." Cas says as he grabs the door handle and slams the door closed. He ignores Dean's complaints about his fingers. _Stop complaining. You're a hunter. You're reflexes work well enough._ He reaches over and yanks the lever into drive. _This can't be that hard._ He's watched people drive for years now. _If I can learn to shoot I can do this._

Dean yanks his hand away just in time to not have his fingers smashed in the door. He jumps back when the car lurches forward. _Jesus christ! He's going to hit something!_ He chases after the car, "Slow down!"

Cas scoffs. He isn't go very fast at all. He's driving slow enough that Dean can keep up at a jog. _I can do this Dean. I can be useful._ He creeps the car along. His eyes flicking all over the road in front of him.

"Cas!" Dean catches up to the car and runs along side the driver's window. He leans in a bit closer but he's careful of where he's jogging in case Cas loses control, "Cas! I mean it! I'll teach you to drive as soon—"

"Go away!" Cas snaps. He's sick of hearing all the reasons why Dean can't teach him now. _There's always an excuse for later._ He comes to a T in the road and starts to turn.

"You're not turning the wheel enough! You're turning too wide!" Dean says as he jumps away from the car. _Jesus._ Cas's turn around the corner has him driving off the road and Dean cringing, _What the hell is he **doing**? _ Dean keeps his distance as he runs alongside the car, "Come on Cas, just stop the car. I'll take you out in a couple of days and we can do this right."

Cas glances down at the panel by his left arm. He spots what he's looking for. He hits the button and rolls up the window.

"Oh, real mature Cas!" Dean says still jogging along side. Dean groans in exasperation. _Fine! If you want to learn so bad!_ He knocks on the window, "Stop and let me in."

Cas ignores him.

"Cas!" Dean knocks again. "Cas, stop the car right now."

Cas gives him the finger and stomps his foot on the gas pedal sending the car lurching forward. _That may have been a mistake._ He pulls his foot off the gas expecting Dean to be at the window again in a second but he isn't. He looks behind himself to see Dean gesturing at him angrily. Cas eases his foot onto the gas pedal. The car doesn't jerk forward quite so much this time. _See, Dean? I can do this._

Dean throws his hands up in defeat. _Fine, you want to crash so bad Cas, go do it!_ He stomps away only stopping when Bobby runs into him and asks him what his problem is. He lets out an enraged snarl.

"Don't get all huffy with me boy." Bobby snaps back. He waits for Dean to collect himself before asking what's going on.

"He wants to learn how to drive but he won't wait for me to teach him." Dean motions back to the road. Cas is trying to turn the car around now. Dean's almost in pain over how badly it's executed, "He's going to crash."

"Well maybe you should have taught him weeks ago when he first asked." Bobby watches Cas's attempt at a....twelve point turn. He has a look of pain on that matches Dean, "You know he's still...worked up over what happened."

"Great. Everyone's on the Dean is an asshole bandwagon." Dean says rolling his eyes, "It's all my fault we got mobbed at the hospital."

"Shut up ya idjit." Bobby says giving him a good whack behind the knees, "That wasn't anyone's fault."

They both snap their heads towards the sound of scraping metal. Cas has hit a post in the fence. Dean shoots Bobby an _I told you so_ look before he marches over to the vehicle to see how much damage Cas has done, "I knew it. I knew today was a bad day for this.


	68. Define close

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel stills. He had been so engrossed in his task he hadn't noticed the taste of fire on the air. He pushes back from the table and stands. _It can't be the camp. Dean wouldn't be so calm._ He heads for the door. There's an orange glow to the sky in the southeast.

Castiel has been packing shotgun shells full of rock salt all night while Dean and Bobby sleep. The repetition is normally soothing but this time his mind keeps wandering to the state of his failing grace. He isn't sure how much longer he has. Some days his grace flares up and feels strong and vital and whole. Other days he can feel it seeping out of him, draining away, slowly killing him. On those days he can feel the fine cracks feathering throughout the barrier that keeps his grace separate from his vessel. He isn't sure what will happen when that membrane shatters but he's beginning to suspect his vessel will likely explode. A human vessel isn't built to hold uncontained grace. _And grace isn't meant to be uncontained._ His grace will likely burnout with the explosion.

He sighs and pushes the thoughts out of his head. _There isn't anything I can do about it._ He pulls at the lever of the press. Another shotgun shell done. He adds it to the bucket. He's distracted by footsteps pounding up the ramp outside the door. _Dean_.

Dean pushes the door open. Cas is right where he left him the night before. "Cas. You seeing this?"

"Seeing—" Castiel stills. He had been so engrossed in his task he hadn't noticed the taste of fire on the air. He pushes back from the table and stands. _It can't be the camp. Dean wouldn't be so calm._ He heads for the door. There's an orange glow to the sky in the southeast.

Dean steps out on the door and stands behind Cas. His hand drifts up to settle on Cas's shoulder. He gives Cas a gentle squeeze, "Is it close?"

"Define close." Castiel says. He sniffs the air and listens to the woods around them. The animals nearby don't seem unduly stressed.

"Close enough me and Bobby should think about catching a ride out on angel airways soon?" Dean says. His fingers dig into the fabric of Cas's jacket. They've been working hard to get this place liveable he doesn't want to have to find somewhere new and start over.

Castiel shakes his head slightly. _Not soon but perhaps later._ He hopes today will be a good day for his grace. He may need to move Dean and Bobby a great distance rather quickly, "I suspect it's on the other side of the Missouri River."

Having two wide rivers between them and what's probably a pretty huge ass fire makes Dean relax slightly.

"I'll go monitor the situation." Castiel says. He glances down at the hand on his vessel's shoulder, registering its presence for the first time. His grace gives a little flick of contentment.

Dean nods, "I'll get things ready in case we have to bug out."

Castiel waits for Dean to let go of him. He feels... _less_ when that hand drops away from his vessel, "Pray to me if the situation changes here."

Dean stares at the empty space in front of him. He curls his hand into a fist at his side. He can still feel the tan fabric under his fingers. He lets his hand go loose and heads for Bobby's cabin, "He's gonna want to take all the books."


	69. Nothing you could have done

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas smells like fire. Not the smell of a campfire but the kind of smell that goes with burning chemicals, plastics, and oil. The kind of smell that Dean suspects a city would leave behind.

Castiel flies back to the camp. The fire has raged far enough south leaving a charred fuel break behind. Unless by some fluke it crosses the Mississippi, swings north, and then back west they won't likely have anything to fear. So he flies back. He flies back because he can't do anything and he can't watch anymore.

A thump and some clattering have Dean bolting out of bed. He grabs his flashlight off his nightstand and shines it around the room. It's Cas. _Thank god, you're back. I was so fucking worried. A week is too fucking long for radio silence._ He goes over to help Cas get untangled from the chair he's caught on. He sticks the flashlight in his mouth and works Cas's coat free. Cas smells like fire. Not the smell of a campfire but the kind of smell that goes with burning chemicals, plastics, and oil. The kind of smell that Dean suspects a city would leave behind. Cas staggers. Dean sticks his hand out for support, "Fuck. Cas, you okay?"

Castiel leans against the hand Dean has put out, "I'm fine."

_Bullshit_. Dean thinks as he helps Cas over to his bed. He gets Cas sitting down before he shines the flashlight over him. There are burns and soot marks on the trench coat, "Should I be getting Bobby up and telling him we're going?"

"...no." Castiel says and takes a moment to compose himself, "No. The fire is moving south."

"That's good." Dean says wondering if Cas is going to pass out again.  

Castiel doesn't say anything. The fire is shepherding thousands of people towards a trap. Demons have been gathering up people infected with Croatoan and driving them towards those trying to flee the flames. _And I can't do anything about it._

"So that's it for Florissant?" Dean asks as he goes over to the side of his bed and pulls his jeans on. Cas doesn't answer. Dean swings the flashlight up to see if he's okay. There's an expression on Cas's face that hurts Dean just to look at, "...Cas?"

"That's it for St. Louis and St. Louis County." Castiel answers.

"Jesus fucking christ." Dean whispers. He gets the look now. _That's what? Close to a million people._ Dean thinks, _There's no way a million people got out in time. Not with half the roads blocked up._ He plunks down on the bed beside Cas. Cas is sitting statue still. Dean hesitates for a moment before reaching out to give Cas's arm a reassuring squeeze, "Hey, there's nothing you could have done."

"I know." Castiel says bitterly. _If my grace weren't failing I could have done something._


End file.
